Their she was
On the edge of the cliff
Wind whipping through her hair.
The sound of waves crashing.
She's surrounded by such beauty
Yet thoughts consume her
She can't enjoy the things she used too.
She wants to know who she is .
She wants to find that missing piece.
She wants answers.

I tend to fall into a complacent obsession
Over unhealthy attachments

That will lead to me self-harm

And carving suicidal thoughts along

The dotted lines of my veins

Just so I can portray my favorite role

Once again -
The victim

It was a bad night last night
My tear stained cheeks
and sliced up wrists
can vouch.
I never know what I'm thinking anymore...
Or why.
I just know that I am.

It's scary,
You know...
Being like this.
I get scared,
and other people get scared.
More often than not,
I can't control these thoughts...
These protruding and unwelcome thoughts
but I don't know what to do.
I never know what to do anymore.
I just know that I've had a lot of bad nights lately.
A lot of them.
But I don't know what to do.

When I met her she was covered in scars,
How could I know how deeply she’d been cut?
I’d try to empty my own reservoirs,
To heal the wounds that she had sealed shut.

I still believe none could have given more,
But sometimes it’s not how much care but how.
And when I failed it cut me to the core.
I feel my faith in love is weaker now.

For even if I loved her perfectly,
She was beyond ability to fix.
Her safety an impossibility,
She nailed herself to every crucifix.

You’ll be the one who’s broken if you stay.
You’ll never love her brokenness away.

The knife slid smooth across smoother skin,
A thrilling thing, a winning sting,
Blood bubbling up like syrupy scarlet wine.
Alarm bells felt like fireworks to celebrate the first time,

“That’s dangerous!” the brain screams, eyeing the **** aghast
“It’s exciting.” the body sings, sighing dreamily and relaxing finally,
I’ve found a way out, I think, somewhere between the two.

To bleed is not to die, but certainly it holds the key,
Perhaps someday, some night in the haze of the absence of sleep,
I’ll reach for my razor and cut so deep,
That all there will be left to do is bleed and bleed and bleed

I want to hold a gun to my head
shooting the monster inside
until it's lying there spilling black blood on the ground.

I want to pull the trigger
over and over again
until it's not moving
not breathing
until there's nothing left but silence.

i'm so angry
my face feels pale
empty space no art-
ist wanted to draw in

i want something
to fill this void behind
sharp teeth: vomiting
coffee grinds and blood
over my favorite novel
in a dream where my
glasses are still
broken and there's
always been wet bed
sheets, red is nothing
is smothering

oh, i want.
need pain
love leaving i've
never craved laughter
no one here is looking at me
the eyes of hungry gods are
glued to my skin tearing them
selves apart leaving me leaving me
to cope with one less layer
i think there are devils in
the clouds that haunt me.
oh, i need.

i need a cigarette
somewhere between
home and hell

taste fog water
catch a breath
push everything
down with old
blood coffee
splash water
on my face:

who the **** is that?