Did you know I’m brave?
Did you know I’m caring?
Did you know I’m extraordinary?

I’d like to cash these in.
I’d like a payout.
I’d like something in return.

Did you know I’m weak?
Did you know I’m pathetic?
Did you know I’m ungrateful?

I’d like to be punished.
I’d like to be held accountable.
I’d like to bleed away my guilt.

If you’re still listening,
I’d like to know what it is
that I truly deserve.
I’d like to feel free from worrying
that I’m taking too much,
Or not enough,
Or too much,
Or not enough

It didn’t happen overnight,
It was nightly,
In the dark.
Festering in the day,
Guilty in the sun,
Hidden under smiles,
Masked in the noise,
Owned by the owner,
Used by the user,
Fed by the feeder.
Listened to
Cared for
Nurtured.
Until you believed that it mattered.
It doesn’t matter.
You do.

I stare down.
Straight down.
And stroke the silky threads
of a golden woven flower.

You cannot have my eyes.
Audio is all I can bear.
Forgive me. Forgive me.
I’m trying.

I yell for just a moment.
The flood threatens the dam.
What a relief it would be
to burst and ride that wave.

Your love, your love, your love.
Knocking painfully at my door
I am afraid to open it
for the strangers who raised me.

I sit in a burgundy leather chair at work
Hoping that I don't get fired.
But I tried downloading an unauthorized program onto my computer
And a pop-up with the word *******
Flashed across the screen when I went to check the baseball scores.

Maybe I will forsake this whole ******* life
And run off into a hermitage
Heaping ashes on myself, prostrated before a cheap wax statue.
But on some level what I'm really doing
Is avoiding responsibility.

I'm dreading the drive home, to be honest
Because I know you will greet me with that fiery anger
That paradoxically gives me an *******
But also breaks my heart.

Maybe I can just walk in the door
***** preemptively sealed in a yellowed Mason jar,
And say,

"Just stay right where you are, Steve."
"We don't want any trouble..."