I found myself
full
after a day
of starvation
and I look in the mirror
disgusted by
not only my external
appearance
but my inner demons
as well

We have thoughts
about everything
we come in contact with,
but I never saved
my better judgments
for me

Perhaps I have used up
too much kindness
on everyone else
until there is none
left
at the end of the day
to spread through my fingertips
onto the skin
I occupy
but cannot seem
to love

You tell me I'm beautiful,
pretty,
gorgeous,
But why?
Because you are not tricking me,
But only yourself,
You think,
"If I tell her she's beautiful, maybe I will grow to believe it too."
Well sweetheart, it is working?
You ignore the flaws of my body, my face,
Only to deceive your own mind,
Because if you saw my flaws you might no longer love me,
You chose to ignore my acne,
Because if you didn't, you're afraid you would leave,
You chose to ignore my protruding chin when I smile,
Because you wish you had someone who could smile sunlight rays,
You chose to ignore the redness in my skin,
Because you want to believe what matters is within,
But is it working dear boy?
The more you use the word beautiful,
Does it make you any more confident being around someone who's not?

I'm around too many people that are too obsessed with their bodies.
I'm afraid of being too skinny. I'm afraid of being too fat.
Molded into the right shape by the wrong society.
Pinching your tummy fat between sickly fingers with manicured nails painted blood red.
Your power lies in your body.
Men desire us
So we ought to be optimally desirable.
Inject fat from your *** into your lips
And give us a big sloppy kiss.

When we were all little we had the innocence
The innocence of not knowing right form wrong
The innocence of getting away with it
The innocence from society

Today, we all do what is socially acceptable
Most of us wish we could back to our innocence
Forget all the experience we have and everything we have been taught
Simpler times

When I was little I never cared what others thought of me
I never cared about what I looked like
I never cared about what society thought I should be

When we grow older we are trained to listen to society
Abide by societies rules
We learn what is and is not socially acceptable

This is when we get eaten alive
This when I get eaten alive

I never had a confidence problem when I was younger
I never relied on a guy for my happiness
I never let them dictate who I was or what I should look like

When I was younger I never did this
Today, I do and so do many other girls
Our confidence is easily damaged by a guy in our life

I promised myself I would never abide by their standards
I would never do it again
I would never damage myself or my body again

We all know this is never true

My doctor told me I was too thin.
I weighed in-
113lbs, 5'8"

My Mother told me I was too fat.
I was 13.

From there, I starved myself, like it was a test.
Don't eat for 36 hours, til hunger claws at you like a ravage beast,
Then wait 8 more so you can sleep before succumbing to a few sips and a ******* or two.

I had the flu,
I was 14
My mother didn't believe me,
But the disease almost killed me.

The Doctor asked me to gain weight, watching the scale tip precauriously to 110lbs.

It's not easy being cool with this body
It's not a whisper
It's not a whip
It's not a slender boomerang
It's a booming voice
It's a car crash
It's a fat frisbee

I bump into you unintentionally
You might not have ever said it
But I dream you think it
"What a heavenly body to touch down to"
Because the galaxy is huge
And a runway is wide
And both are beautiful
To the open eye

I knew I wanted to step on the scale
But my mind was screaming "don't"
Because that number only tells you
How much gravity is pushing down on you
Not how much you're worth

I stared at the wall
As my bare feet touched the cold surface
For once, I was strong and didn't want to see
A number that would break down
The very small wall of self esteem
I have been trying so hard to build

I prayed I would see nothing
Higher than a 4
Or else my day would be done for
I looked to the spot between my feet
As though I was looking into a crystal ball

And surprisingly, I liked what I saw

We were barely teens together
and now we're barely sober
on opposite sides of the country

I see photos of her,
sparking thoughts I wish I could erase

She gained so much weight,
I wonder what happened,
She used to look so good

In my critical analysis of her figure
(I could earn a PhD in Judgment of Others)
I miscount the curves of her face,
the shadows falling where they should not be

Her cheeks, I see
(they've gotten bigger)
but I forget to cancel out
the inflation from her smile