i made this week difficult.

i was struggling with myself and i made it hard for you too.
i turned nothing into problems
and blamed those problems for my ****-ups.

i hurt you
and i knew i was hurting you
and i did it anyway.

i said things
and made you sound like the bad guy

but i was a *****.

and im sorry.

I guess you thought we were forever,
but you were temporary
sorry I’m a *****.


— I’ll say sorry forever but I won’t mean it, unlike you // a.

I don't like sharing.
Or letting you into my space.
I have a hard time with being kind.
Judgements come naturally.
Strangers can be punchlines.
Your feelings may bother me.
I want you to like me.
But I may not like you.
My first impression of you,
Sticks even when I'm wrong.
I don't like how I am.
I've said I would change.

I haven't.
But I wish I would.

The weatherman said it was going to rain but he didn’t mention
when it would let up. It’s been raining for years.

I keep telling myself I’m not allowed to be this downpour,
this unhappy
all the time. It doesn’t help.

I don’t want to be brave today. I don’t
want to do the work today. I don’t want to do the work today. I don’t want
to do the work today. I don't want to.

The only thing worth living for is the sunset. I’m letting things
pile up instead of taking care of them. I want to see
how high I can get.

This is the terrible precipice I’ve been peering over.
Everyone/ no one is worried for me.
If I fall on them,
I will be so heavy. And what is it if it isn’t

everyone you take with you on the way down?
I thought I would fall right into the sunshine. I thought I’d be
covered in it.



Oh my god I can’t die yet,
my room isn’t clean.

Look, I brushed my hair.
I got dressed.

See, I'm better now. See?