So sometimes, I still double back,
To these little pretty things-
Where I entwine my written words
with depictive new meanings.

Happy birthday, I must first say
To my Albanian commerce kid.
When we met, then when I left, I
always appreciated all you did.
Next comes the apologizes, I'm sure you know what for
The fact that you showed up, for me?
Confirms it even more:

Julia Kruja, you're an incredible person- such a beautiful soul,
Its a blessing to call you 'friend', and remain someone you know.
With unconditional support- unwavering sincerity
whichever way things go.
Despite my lack of clarity, selfishness and pain- you're always there to meet with me, make plans again and again.

You instill this worth back in my soul, by treating me the same- removing judgement from your heart,
Regifting hope inside my brain.

Happy Belated Birthday my friend

I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my  smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,

I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.

Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.

I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.

I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally  shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.

At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.

I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.

When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her  face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.

Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess  that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.

Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!

My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.

You were born on August the 2nd of 1948.
Your death was sad and hard to contemplate.
Today would've been your birthday but you didn't survive.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy-five.

Your death was a very painful thing that I was forced to experience.
It was hard to accept your demise because it ended your existence.
You gave money to the homeless because you loved to give.
You were the greatest mother on the planet while you lived.

It was so sad to learn that you were going to die.
And it was very painful when I had to say goodbye.
I wanted you to survive but I didn't get my way.
You were my mom and I wish you a happy birthday.

He was my papaw and he was my father's dad.
When he died in 1994, it was both tragic and sad.
If Papaw had survived, he would be celebrating his birthday.
If he hadn't died, he would've become 100 years old today.
He was born on July the 28th of 1923.
Today he would've lived for a century.
When Papaw took some medication, he became very sick.
He died six days after his birthday because he was allergic.
Dad was hurt by Papaw's death and so was I.
It's always painful to learn that a grandparent is going to die.

****!
no way!
im still alive?
im getting too ******* old...
anyway, what's for breakf-- "rent"?
****,
i'm old.