I have to get up very soon
Why am I still writing poetry?
Tonight the thoughts keep flowing
from that creative side of me

I think about life and love
and everything in between
I marvel at all the wonderful
things that I have seen

But deep down I
wonder if I'm manic
And gonna be up all night
"I should sleep" I say and panic

I think of all the things
I could be doing but I need to get to bed
It's crazy how I fight sleep
and how fast ideas go through my head

You waltz through this hell
Like it’s just a park
You laugh at them
They’re afraid of the dark
Because you’ve seen worse
Oh so much worse
They’ve had it easy
You’ve had the inverse
You’ve fought the long night
You’ve faced the fierce fire
They’re out of breath soon
But you just don't tire
They begin to cry
At every small burn
They don’t have the tolerance
You’ve had to learn
You walk through the fire
Like it’s so amusing
Though your heart’s burning
And your soul’s bruising
Because you’ve gone numb
To all of the pain
It’s left a permanent
Stain on your brain
And now you laugh
At the fire and flames
You know better than
To play their games
You know how to live
Forever burning
But won’t you teach me,
I’m still learning
I haven’t swam through
Infernos as long
Living with my heart on fire
Still feels wrong
So teach me to brave
The pain within
And teach me to waltz
Through hell with a grin

Signal failed
Signature drooping
Telltale signs
Neurotransmitters: misfiring

Preoccupation,
Glitching phalanges
Losing grasp on reality
Creativity: collapsing

Paranoia resurfaces
Obsessions, obscure
Reduced to, as follows:
Fallacies: logical

Dissociation abundance
Time? Never on it
Obstacles: insurmountable
Retention? Improbable

Mimic and nod
Emotion: mirage
Glass full of emptiness

Present
As
Functional

What am i supposed to do
When everything is too much
When the idea of getting out of bed
Sounds like the hardest thing of my life
I stand in front of the mirror
I need to wash my face
I need to brush my teeth
So why can't I?
Why does that feel impossible

What am i supposed to do
When my entire life is a game of minesweeper
Always one move away from game over
From an explosion
And when I say explosion I mean of emotion

Anger that shakes me to my core
Anger that makes it impossible to do anything
Anger that makes me yell at you
Even if you don't deserve it.

Or maybe it'll be sadness
Soul crushing heartbreaking sadness
Tears that won't stop until you are choking
Literally choking for air.

What am i supposed to do
When I can't seem to enjoy anything
When everything is lack luster
When everything is pointless.

What am i supposed to do?
What can I do?
nothing.

I'm sorry
Sometimes it feels like thats all i say
I'm sorry for being a mess
And being unstable
Sometimes it feels like i'm sorry is all that i am
Everything i do wrong
My existence hurting everyone
But no more than me
Im sorry
It falls from my lips over and over again
A mantra that i cant stop repeating
Im sorry feels like the only thing
The only thing that can make you stay
I'm sorry
Please don't leave me im trying
I say it over and over
Until it annoys you
And then once or twice more to apologize for that
I'm sorry
That I cant get control
I'm sorry
That all i do is fall apart
I'm sorry
That I hold you back
I'm sorry
That I’m alive

**** baby,
I’m Having another episode,
Will you watch it with me?
My track won’t stop skipping;
Siren won’t stop screaming,
As the song drones on and on and on
And on in screeches of violent pitches

I am reminded that the witches’ words ring true
As I dance with the devil;

I guess it does take two to tango.

sometimes I wish I had cancer
then people would send me flowers, and get well soon cards.
but I am bipolar
so when I am sick
I suffer alone, ashamed
because too many times
people synonymously use my illness for crazy.

-please stop

Gambling, gambling with my life
Rolling dice to leave the knife
Medication comes and goes
What will work, well no one knows
Round and round and round I spin
Playing games no one can win
Getting dizzy till I fall
Wondering how to stand at all
Lock me in this place at night
Make me swear that you are right
Let me out to see the sun
Just to find it’s not the one
Throw me back into your jail
Wait until you post the bail
To see that it’s much to high
When can I just say goodbye
Make me swear these oaths of peace
Even though this pain won’t cease
Just to let yourself get sleep
While I lie awake and weep
Watch the sun rise bright blood red
Giving light to what I dread
There is nowhere left to hide
When my head and heart collide
So I struggle in this strife
Gambling, gambling with my life

You say these pills will help me
But you don’t know just how
You say these pills will save me
But I don’t trust you now
How could you call it saving
When I still feel I’m dying
I know you want to help
But I can tell you’re lying
And I lie here bleeding out
Bleeding drops of hope
You plead just one more pill
One more pill and I can cope

I held on for one more pill
Then more and more and more
Now I don’t see how pills
Could change what’s in my core
Each pill comes with its own
Plethora of pains
You don’t know the torment
Of erosion in your brain
I just want you to know
It’s so hard to be strong
You swore these pills would work by now
It kills me that you’re wrong