you're alive
i mean, you stand in front of me
you can breathe
i feel the air shirt when you move
as if you were alive
but in some ways, you're dead
i'm mourning you, though you're here
i can touch you and feel you
if i put my fingers to your wrist
there would be a steady, rhythmic pulse
but there's nothing in our relationship
there's nothing tell me you're alive
so i mourn you as i would mourn
a dead relative or friend
i mourn not for you as a person
but for all that could have been
for all of the possibilities that were
hidden under moss covered rocks
because of something out of your control
because of something no one can control
it's cruel and it's evil and it's real
it's still there and you're still dead--
you're still dead and i can't bring myself
to go to your funeral

Baby Panda
You called me
A *****-*****
When you woke
And I smiled
In response

Baby Panda
When eating
Fruity pebbles
With almond milk
You croaked like
A frog, croak
Over 20 times
And got up
To spit in the sink
Excessive saliva
In between
Each bite
I asked you why
You croak
wha?
I smiled
And say
Never mind

Baby Panda
You ran to me
Sobbing as if
The world was ending
My socks!!!
No more clean
****, I forgot
To dry them
You pace
Uncomfortable
As you're forced
To go barefoot
Feet ****
For longer
Than an hour

Baby Panda
I return to
You're stash
Of a room
And picking up
Your pajamas
I smell an
Accident
Of both sorts
Soiling your
Clothes
sorry
Red faced you enter
I smile and
Remind you
To let me know
Next time
And not to
Throw it on the
Wooden floor

Baby Panda
Socks on smooth
Shoes tied with
Quadrupled knots
You head to your
Room, radio blasting
Some radio talk
Station about comedy
Until 8:21 rolls around
And you run
Like a bullet
To the bus outside
Our house
I smile as you yell
BUS IS HERE
No matter what room
I'm in

Baby Panda
I worry for you
The second you walk
Out the door
Because you have such
Big, terrifying emotions
Yet a small filter
On your words, thoughts
Of your own body
Despite the fact
That you're turning
Into a real teen
Before the summers end

Baby Panda
I wish I could help
In ways I cannot
I can't read your mind
Though you think
I should
Know how by now
I can't make socks magically
Not hurt, or have people
Not get ******
When you randomly shout
Profanities
When your last conversation
Was regarding food
And I can't
Stop the madness that
Overtakes your body
Every time you get ill
Physically, mentally


But Baby Panda
I love you now
And always will

I look down at the world below
So high, so hidden
  And so well-read
They smile and laugh
Knowing something that I don’t

Like a dream lost upon waking
It slips through my grasp
I feel it, sense it
Yet the memory fades
  Into daylight

The mask I wear hides my eyes
A part I play, a song I sing
Words I recognize
  But cannot comprehend

While I peer from my lofty prison
Imperious, impervious
I discover I am not above, but down below
Waiting and longing
  To walk free

Din!
Your voice envelops me
  Drowns me
   Blinds me
    Encircles
     Confines me
Din!
Your whisper is fog
I feel it echo
   In my bones
    In my blood
     In my head
I gasp for air
   For light
Until the silence comes

i give them my executables and
ask them to reverse engineer me
to look into my code for reasons
reasons that i'm not just broken
not just slow
not just bad

if these letters
on this line
mean
that i am programmed to worry
then it is not my fault
not my fault that
i have wasted years
years of my life in fear

it's just a bug
looping too many times
using too many clock cycles

my code may be broken, but
if it is broken
then i am not

maybe, just maybe
i am a good processor
given bad code.

not my fault.
no one could blame me.

it would mean
i do what i am told to
perfectly
quickly
efficiently.

but
what i am told to do is
buggy
unoptimized
inefficient

my programmers are lazy -
not me.

when i find
a function in my code
that never works
and they say
"that code is fine"
then why?
why does it never run?

something must be wrong with me after all
me, myself, the processor
i don't do what i am told

but no, no, no
i don't want that
i can't be broken, overheating, dusty
segfaulting
bluescreening
panicking

no!

the code must be wrong
it must be

so i look again and again and again
i lose myself in my code
i click and click and click
2x more and 2x more and 2x more
COMT and DRD4 and ANKK1
rs53576 and rs7794745 and rs1858830
lower risk and normal risk and higher risk
of the same thing
in me at once
conflicting
overwriting each other

there is no code to add risk objects
and no one knows
whether
they make a group or a ring or a field
or just
something
useless.

like dividing by zero.
you can...
but it's useless in the real world.
just like me.

i look for more code
for more functions
for more comments
more more more
give me more
take my rights
make me open source
as long as i can see me too.

602,000 lines are not enough
not when i run millions

stick your wires in my veins
take the code from my blood
decompile it
untangle it
i need to see it all

i need to know
that i am a good little processor
even if i am doomed to
forever
run BASIC and
a million GOTO statements
and ugly ugly spaghetti code
i am still good.

It's getting louder
With all the talking
The murmuring
The staring
Too much, too much

I'm in a class room
Surrounded by a crowd
Of screaming, shouting
And endless chatter

Oh dear god
When will it end?
Everyone
Everything
Seems to be becoming
Quicker, quicker AND QUICKER

Oh no
No no no no
It's getting louder
Im screaming
Others are staring
I'm almost not there
But my screams and cries are

No one saw me
When I groaned quietly
No one saw me
When I covered my ears
No one saw me
When I started to cry
Now they see
As I run away screaming