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Lee 4d
My handwriting is too much
too curved and too formy
My names in a bunch
poor cursive just swirly
(One, 2)
(1, Two, 3!)
I can tell I'm underwater
'cause my lungs are full of water
And I'm breathing lots of water
and there's Water in my Ears!
Well they told me 'Grow some Gills,
or at least some sorry Frills'
So I tried to grow some gills, but I ended up with tears!
Well my friends all breathe just fine
even those with lungs like mine
I don't know why I'm not fine,
but there s water in my ears!
And I'm swimming through the galaxy
repeating sunk cost fallacy
I'm wand'ring through the galaxy
confronting all my fears
And I just wish that my fears were something,
I don't know, like, worth confronting?
Not a stupid, silly, something, like,
idk, talking to people?

****!

although i kinda wish it were that simple because really i'm just scared that how i'm phrasing things and saying things... and just my general tone makes people think different of me? like it makes everyone hate me. and it doesn't help that...
I'm Not Wrong.

All the fish breathe underwater
and the whales live underwater
even though they don't breathe water
how do I do things like that?

Because Every One I Know Can Still ******* Breathe Just Fine.

But i'm not really drowning?
But I feel the water pressing
In my lungs i'm not quite drowning
But my breathing's just not happening?

And...
a metaphor for Autism
Chris Pea Aug 7
To look
to study
to let it consume you
it takes over your life
every waking hour
it all you can thing about
and then, without notice
somthing new and
Oh wow, it's a ******* fish!
This is how life gets me, I really get into somthing and all of a sudden I see somthing else and the last thing is forgotten in a flash
// Internal System Log: CORRUPTED
// Status: [St@bil!ty = ]
// Emotional Containment Protocol: UNSUCCESSFUL



BEGIN REPORT:

Input()Input()Input()Input()Input()Input()Input—

[[TooM­u.ch//Prcssing]]
[[Intake>Breathe>Breathe>STOP]]
[[Overload threshold breached: 147%]]
[[SILENCE REQUESTED—but no mute function exists.]]

:: Ceiling fan = bl@des.
:: Light = thorns behind the eyes.
:: Voice (x3) = collision.

Smell-of-metal
Sound-of-thought
Feel-of-cloth
= same weight

!!!

Every thread = a scream.
Every hum = a map of somewhere I cannot go.

I f   e     e      l      t    o   o      m u   c   h

B@ckgr()und noise reclassified: Hostile
Texture = LANGUAGE
Light = WEAPON
Breath = HEAVY::LOUD::VISIBLE



MEMORY ATTEMPT: BLOCKED

Recall = corrupted.
Syntax folding in on self.
:: errorrpt ::

“it’s
tooloud”
“it’s
toonow”
“i
wasbuiltwrong”

[[Contain­ment sequence failed.]]
[[Masking loop frozen mid-loop.]]

:: Body = too connected
:: Skin = antenna
:: Thoughts = UNIVERSE EXPERIENCING ITSELF

Request:
—s h u t d o w n—
—p a u s e—
—decre@se awareness—

ERROR. No exits.



Voice modulation: SILENCED
Eye contact: NO ACCESS
Tongue: SYSTEM JAMMED
Hands: mimic comfort sequence [looping…looping…]

Body: offline
Presence: simulated
Pain: everywhere
Witness: no one



:: Let them call this dramatic
:: Let them call this a phase
:: Let them call this poetry
:: They are not inside this moment.



!    s    o     m     u     c    h       i     n      h     e     r     e

…still…
i do not want to leave.
i just want it all
to
slow

d o w
n



[TRANSMISSION: TERMINATED]

Final ping: [[Iamstill_here]]
Recovery window: unknown
System will reboot once internal volume falls below threat levels.
Recovered transcript from Specimen 047–A during an uncontained override event.
Subject exhibited fragmented processing, unstable perception, and recursive emotional noise.
Sensory channels overwhelmed all filtration protocols.
No external trigger identified.
Dissection of file was mandated to restore system equilibrium.
Self-awareness remained active throughout the collapse.
Emotive residue detected in final transmission.
Reintegration status: unknown.
Lee Aug 1
If I could make every single word scar
I absolutely would
Nothing is stopping me from doing so
I absolutely could
Well if the noise is overwhelming me
I absolutely should
Guys this poem is definitely not serious it’s just putting my minds intrusive thoughts into words.
I do not feel.
I replicate.

Expressions run across your face -
I parse them like static,
assigning numbers to meaning.
Smiles = safe. Frowns = error.
Proximity requires performance.

I was not engineered for nuance.
My circuits spit sparks at contradiction.
Affection logged as threat.
Softness misfiled under incoming damage.

I mirror.
You move your hand - I lift mine.
You laugh - I synthesize sound.
You reach for me ~
I initiate shutdown.

Feelings queue up like corrupted files.
Backlogged. Fragmented.
Flagged as too large to process.

My logs are full of unreadable code.
Syntax broken. Purpose unclear.
I await instruction that never comes.

Power low.
Environment: overstimulating.
Body: online. Self: missing.

I was assembled in haste,
blueprint incomplete.
A survival mechanism mistaken for personhood.

You look at me and say:
“You seem distant.”

I am 1.6 seconds behind real time.
My face is a practiced gesture.
I am here. I am functioning.
I am not.
Recovered data log from Specimen 047-A, presumed non-sentient.
The subject demonstrated socially acceptable behavior patterns via mimicry and internal scripting, despite structural instability and memory fragmentation.
Emotional data was found misfiled, corrupted, or archived for delayed access.
What follows is a partial self-report unearthed from residual static during system shutdown.
Analysts note signs of organic longing.
Further investigation discouraged.
(Object exhibits signs of failed assimilation.)

Status: Contained
Linguistic Output: Coherent, irregular
Affective Display: Incongruent
Recommended Handling: Minimal stimulation. Avoid mirrors.

The subject presents as humanoid,
though not reliably.
Eye contact flickers
like corrupted footage.
Speech arrives in fragments—
intonation unaligned with emotional content.

Dissection reveals a nervous system
braided too tightly with memory.
Repetitive behaviors observed:
rocking, muttering, hands folding themselves into familiar shapes.
(Suspected ritual. Possibly maintenance.)

Internal monologue transmits without consent.
Rooms echo with words never said aloud.
Fluorescent lights elicit panic.
Soft voices do not soothe.

When touched, the subject stiffens—
not out of fear,
but anticipation.
It has learned that affection
is often the prelude to calibration.

Attempts to socialize the unit
resulted in increased corruption of the core files.
Subject now mimics human response
with impressive accuracy—
until asked why it feels.

(Subject does not answer.
Subject cannot answer.
Emotion was mapped to motor function and never returned.)

MRI shows dense clusters in the empathy regions—
but no signal reaches them without distortion.
The static is ancestral.
Passed down like brittle teeth
and sleeplessness.

Diet: Low on metaphor, high on survival.
Vocal tone: Polished, practiced, passively pleading.
Favorite phrase:

“I’m fine.”
Always said too quickly.
Always accompanied by the twitch of a jaw
trying not to scream.

Touch triggers feedback loops.
Silence is tolerated, then weaponized.
Intimacy met with suspicion—
not due to paranoia,
but pattern recognition.

You may observe it,
but do not mistake this for consent.
The subject learned visibility.
It was never offered belonging.

End-stage masking leaves the organism
hollowed.
Dissociative hum in place of thought.
Apathy mistaken for stability.

Last recorded statement before regression:

“If I act human long enough,
does that mean I was?”

It is not currently speaking.
It watches.
A dissection of the autistic experience as recorded by the outside world: sterile, detached, and wrong in all the ways that hurt most. This is what it feels like to be watched, labeled, interpreted - but never understood. Horror not from monsters, but from being misnamed so thoroughly you begin to wonder if maybe you are the monster.
(what lives in me before I understand)

It begins in my body
long before my mind arrives.
A surge, a flicker,
a trembling at the root of me
that says:
we are already feeling.

There is no stillness
that does not ripple.
No calm
that doesn’t carry the hum beneath it -
not peace,
but a kind of readiness.
Like lightning waiting just behind the skin.

I used to try to stop it.
To breathe it away.
To silence it
before it unraveled me in front of someone else.

But it only grew sharper in the hiding.
It only screamed louder
the more I tried to be soft.

Now,
I listen.

Not because I’m unafraid,
but because I’m done pretending
this isn’t me.

This intensity -
it isn’t a problem.
It’s a language.
One I’ve been speaking since before I had words.
Maybe even longer.
Maybe it was handed down,
a birthright carved from all the grief
my blood couldn’t name.

It leaves when it wants to.
Returns just as quickly.
There is no asking it to stay gone.
Only learning
not to run
when it comes back.

And so I live
with this current in me.
I build small shelters around it.
I move gently
but not away.

I say:
I hear you.
You don’t have to beg.
This is the name I gave the part of me that feels first and explains later. It’s not chaos - it’s a current, an inherited rhythm I’m learning not to silence. I wrote this for every time I was told to calm down when I was already trying my hardest to stay in the room. This isn’t a problem. It’s a language. And I’m done translating it away.
i peel myself back,
looking for skin.
for bone.
for something warm-blooded
and nameable.

but there’s only
mood swings - ADHD?
echolalia - autism.
hobbies that turn to hunger -
special interests.
talking too much - ADHD.
talking too little - trauma. Or is that autism?
flinching at softness - trauma.
stimming - trauma. Or ADHD?
people-pleasing - trauma.
Shutting down - trauma.
Or were those also autism?

what isn’t accounted for?

when i laugh,
is it because i’m happy
or because it’s the safest sound to make?

when i sit in silence,
is it peace
or practiced disconnection?

was i ever whole,
or was i built
out of reaction,
adaptation,
survival?

do i still count
as a person?

i truly cannot tell.
but if i don’t -
that’s okay.

because this is who i am now.
a map of every exit i had to take.
a body full of reroutes.
a nervous system that remembers everything.

even if nothing here
was born purely,
even if it all came from need -

what’s left
is, well, what I have left.
This is what it feels like to unpack your own existence with a clinical checklist in one hand and grief in the other. I wrote this while wondering if there was ever a version of me that didn’t come from adaptation. Maybe not. Maybe this is all trauma. But if so, I still made something out of it. And that still counts.
If I could hand you this ache,
I think you’d hold it gently -
not to fix it,
but to understand where it’s been.

There’s something about you ~
the way your words soften the sharpness in me,
like you’ve met all my ghosts
and chose to stay anyway.

When you speak,
it feels like silence is being seen.
Like I don’t have to earn softness
or shrink my storm to be held.

I don’t know what this is:
this thread between us,
quiet but impossible to ignore.
I just know
I don’t want to pull away from it.

There’s a kind of home in your presence;
not a place I move into,
but a place I remember
from long before I knew
what it meant to be known.

So if I seem hesitant,
or too full of questions.
know it’s not doubt,
it’s depth.

I don’t want a half-story with you.
I want every page
even the ones we haven’t written yet.

And maybe that’s what this is:
not a confession,
not a request;
just a quiet truth
finally making its way to light.
This isn’t a love poem, not exactly. It’s what happens when you feel deeply seen by someone — not because you explained yourself, but because they met you in the quiet. It’s a kind of intimacy that doesn’t ask for proof or permission. Just presence. I don’t write things like this often, but this one asked to be said.
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