It’s not easy to be vulnerable,
When your armors welded on.
It’s not simple to calm your soul,
When your very existence is seen wrong.

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                           Anything about myself.

I couldn't see through and
Never had tools,
                                                     Pitch dark and wandering by stars.

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                           Social rules, quiet cues, or how
                                                        Became my "muse".
An island
                                 A shipwreck
                                                                         Adrift at sea
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                               My forsaken longing for true connection,
                                                                  
                                                                    Or what you meant
                                                                       When you said

"Stop painstakingly crafting your prose as if you must earn my attention"

Scouring
                                   Half blind
                                                                       For the unloved part of me.
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                          My desperate diversity.

Shackles clattered free with every blackout pour

Each line a rush of promises I knew would rot

Filled myself to forget nothing was ever there,
Expanding the hollow before it even had a name.

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand

                                           I was heaving the empty unknowing alone,
                                                     An anchor keeping me drowned.

With no practice feeling, I stood
     Petrified to appear the fool,
                                                                   I didn't know and
                                                                 I couldn't understand.

After numbing for years
I finally learned and finally healed,

                             This quiet apology is not an excuse
                      Only late recognition from my old recluse.

You think you know because you read something on the internet
And your wife’s best friend’s cousin knows someone with it
So you have all the answers and cannot be wrong
Dave down the pub reckons it is all a scam and really they are just a bit thick
And he knows because he is Dave and Dave knows **** especially when seven pints in (God he is ******* funny; what a legend)

We are the problem with the world
The world that is only for the entrepreneur
Not the ones who see through the smokescreen
Wanting to give love to everyone, using intimidating genders and pronouns, instead of glorifying the economies of scale
But they are the snake oil salespeople

So go back to your cave of gossip and rumours; evolution has stalled for you
Genuflecting at the feet of those paid influencers who tell you how to live your life with fictitious remedies of being
Leaving us to mop up your mess
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to save the earth
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to end poverty
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to accept
Too
*******
Stupid
You
Greedy
****

Fields stretching out in yellow and green
The brilliant blue of the sky joining in the distance
A gentle breeze swaying the sunburnt grass
The crickets chirruping their piercing songs
Tranquillity is all around
The clean air fills the lungs
As the calm spreads throughout
Like a lover’s hand caressing the body
Or the warmth of the first hit of *****
Releasing the pain from within
All has disappeared
And I am one with nature
But its permanence is fleeting
The cold turkey will kick in
And as thoughts flood back
The tsunami of angst returns
The realities of life

And don’t get me started on interviews.
What a ridiculous process.
You are asked a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question
And answer with one.
But in the feedback,
They wanted more.
And you are not right for them this time.
They wish you ‘good luck’
And ‘try again in the future’
But why the **** would you?
When you did nothing wrong,
But answer their questions as asked.
What are you?
A ******* mind reader
******.

Just tell me what it is you want
Don’t sit there and make me into a mind reader
Just say exactly what you want
Don’t complain about me behind my back
Saying I don’t do this and I don’t do that
When you haven’t told me exactly what you want
After I told you to be direct
Just say what it is you want
(For ****’s sake)

Bark like a dog that can’t bite
You’re a rerun, redundant
Idiot shouting at staples on trees
Guns to a pillowfight, pillows to a massacre
Why can’t you learn the perfect place to sit

Your eyes look handsome when your mouth is closed
Talk until your lungs become heavy with air
But know that not a soul listens to you freely
Your only audience is a captive one
We encourage you to try anyway
Someone out there must be into that sort of thing

Try drinking and feeling more and less
Be the coat hanger that everyone else loves
Talk to me, I want to know how you’re running
I don’t want to hear about your prosthetics
But the guy standing next to you sounds nice

Have you tried to end your life lately?
You might smile more if you think about it daily
We liked you more back when you were smaller
When you were close to the edge of that thought
When our clothes didn’t fit you
When we liked you even less

My handwriting is too much
too curved and too formy
My names in a bunch
poor cursive just swirly

(One, 2)
(1, Two, 3!)
I can tell I'm underwater
'cause my lungs are full of water
And I'm breathing lots of water
and there's Water in my Ears!
Well they told me 'Grow some Gills,
or at least some sorry Frills'
So I tried to grow some gills, but I ended up with tears!
Well my friends all breathe just fine
even those with lungs like mine
I don't know why I'm not fine,
but there s water in my ears!
And I'm swimming through the galaxy
repeating sunk cost fallacy
I'm wand'ring through the galaxy
confronting all my fears
And I just wish that my fears were something,
I don't know, like, worth confronting?
Not a stupid, silly, something, like,
idk, talking to people?

****!

although i kinda wish it were that simple because really i'm just scared that how i'm phrasing things and saying things... and just my general tone makes people think different of me? like it makes everyone hate me. and it doesn't help that...
I'm Not Wrong.

All the fish breathe underwater
and the whales live underwater
even though they don't breathe water
how do I do things like that?

Because Every One I Know Can Still ******* Breathe Just Fine.

But i'm not really drowning?
But I feel the water pressing
In my lungs i'm not quite drowning
But my breathing's just not happening?

And...

To look
to study
to let it consume you
it takes over your life
every waking hour
it all you can thing about
and then, without notice
somthing new and
Oh wow, it's a ******* fish!