Sara L Russell*

Bright colours in a pool of crystal clarity
reflecting all the spectrum of our days
slip down into a quagmire of nonentity
with nothing left to sully or erase.

This cold disease that strips a man of human soul,
is worst of all the ravages of time;
behold those eyes, devoid of everything you stole,
yet blissfully unknowing of your crime.

This bright man, worn away to barest minimum,
this one-time writer and great raconteur,
this poet - will not travel to Byzantium;
his world is fading to a senseless blur.

6.02 a.m.

sunlight pries your eyes open and i
meet you for the ****** time again and again

nothing mends and breaks my heart more than watching
you fall in love with a novel fragment of me every day


9.35 a.m.

i toast bread with both eyes closed
and i let them char like the edges of my heart

you tell me last thursday's joke
but i erupt into hilarity, anyway


3.17 p.m.

nostalgia is a side-effect of forgetting
you reminisce about knitting parties we never threw

between giggles, i wonder how your words are needles
that pick all of the right places


7.43 p.m.

this world is a stygian dystopia
but you, you are my sole scintilla of colour

i feed you blatant lies for dinner
only to let you sleep with a peace of mind


11.59 p.m.

i watch you fall asleep to the rhythm of my silence
there are all types of silences and distances
but this
this is the worst kind


please, don't forget
to remember
me.

I don’t remember much, Sugar Ray told me.
Yesterday is tomorrow. Tomorrow is the same.
He told me this isn’t what I wanted to be,
I would tell you but I forgot your name.

It crept behind the corner. Bats. Cobwebs.
Dusty. Proof was needed to believe something
Of such filth. Barbaric
aBsURditY.
The memories crawled back into the cave.
Music played.
Rita rocked back in her chair,
“That sound, I knew it once”.
Once was a while ago.
That’s forever.
If you knew it and then lost it
Consider it dead.
“It was never a memory if it can’t be remembered”.
That’s what the nurses told them, Rita didn’t believe.
She knew that sound from somewhere.
That’s all to be retained.

Hope Springs Eternal.

Mama,
Today I'm heartbroken beyond belief, it's the day that you decided to leave. Yes, I know that you 'left' long ago, but today's the day your body let go. The pain I feel makes me not breathe, the relief makes me want to scream. I just feel so terrible, so twisted in two, I'm really not knowing what to do. I really shouldn't feel immense  relief while the tears are flowing down my cheeks. Your mind wasn't here for, oh, so long, but the hope you'd know me kept me strong. Now you're gone, for real this time, and all I want to is cry. The weight of you not knowing me has lifted and I am now free. You're free of not knowing who you see especially when I wish it was me. Do you now remember the Christmas songs? You had forgotten for so long. The hymns you loved, we played for you. We just didn't know what to do. I wish you would've shown some recognition, but I know that's rare with your condition. Mama, why'd you have to die without seeing ME and remembering how it used to be. Alzheimer's took your intelligence and quick wit and the love you had for us with it. No more days of having fun, almost like when  clouds take the sun. You lived in a fog and couldn't quite grasp who we were, you were stuck in the past. I feel such guilt for the relief in my heart and the grief I feel is tearing me apart. I'm so confused with my conflicting emotions, but I hope you know of my devotion. I was staying by you for as long as it took, for God to finally stop and look. For Him to show up and take pity on you and decide to end what we've all gone through. I told you before you're my mama, mother, mommy, friend, and now you know I stuck by to the bittersweet end. I will love you forever my beautiful mama.

As I sit here all day; day in and day out, I try to grasp what it’s all about. Thoughts and dreams are all locked within; no longer can I tell a joke and grin. I try to remember how it used to be, but most of the time I don’t know what I see.
I can remember things from when I was young, but when I look at you I don’t know where you’re from. The hurt, the pain I see in your eyes makes me want to hide and cry. I know you must’ve meant the world to me, but how that can be?
My mind is so muddled with memories of the past, but I can’t seem to find the thoughts I need fast. I vaguely catch glimpses of you and I, but they seem to disappear in the blink of an eye. You say you’re my daughter, this must be true, but I can’t seem to remember anything of you.
I know it hurts, I know the pain. I can’t remember my daughter, am I still sane? I want to shout, shake my fist up at God, but then I forget and I feel odd.
Sometimes I forget how to tie my shoes or why I’m stuck here in this room. This isn’t my home, this isn’t my room; why am I here in this building of gloom? What is wrong, so wrong with me that I can’t remember who I see?
I look in the mirror and I don’t seem old, but I’m in my eighties is what I am told. I’m sorry I hurt you when you come around; I really don’t like to see your painful frown. I guess at one time I loved you more than life itself, but now all those memories are hidden on a shelf: deep in my mind is where they lie and no longer can I grasp them and it makes you cry.
My mind is a curse that everyone can see. Please when I go think of how I used to be. Don’t see me as I am now, but remember when I placed a kiss on your brow; when you ran to me with scrapes and boo-boos and I kissed away the pain and said "I love you".