my flu turns to a sinus infection and my mom tells me it could have been avoided if i'd only taken medicine to begin with and didn't try to act like a superhero how do i explain to her that for once in my life i just wanted to fight by myself and fight alone and fight to success and so much for that because what started off with a little sneeze is now an emergency and i'm stuffing antibiotics down my throat and falling down the stairs due to vertigo and it hurts you know it hurts it doesn't feel good to have your head full of sinus and i want someone to take a syringe and insert it into my temple and pull out all the liquid and maybe some memories too i think i've reached cognitive overload and okay so maybe my plan to be self-sufficient didn't work out so great but that doesn't mean i can't save myself right? right? i don't know anymore i'm not so sure anymore i don't know if i can get back on my feet when just a little infection gets me in bed praying for light to consume me and end this now i can't even handle a sinus infection for the love of all that is holy and kind how am i going to survive anything in this cruel world when i can't handle a sneeze and it reminds me how you'd still kiss me when i was sick and even though we hadn't met in months you'd be okay with just cuddling and not having *** if i didn't feel like it when we finally did meet and do you remember when our biggest problem was me being on my period on the days i wanted *** and do you remember how we had *** anyway and do you remember how it felt and do you remember how i was (who i was) do you remember? and this sinus infection feels a whole lot like love it gives me a headache and makes me want to die but somewhere inside i want it to stay because being sick is a great excuse to give others when they ask you why you look so pale so sad so down it's a great excuse to give when people ask you why your eyes are so red you can tell them the infection kept you up all night instead of revealing how you had a dinner party with your demons until 4am before realizing that the tea was poison and your demons in your head i'm thinking about the kid in my literature class who showed up ****** and i wonder if that takes away his pain i don't plan on getting ****** but i have red eyes all the time anyway so why not right? why not depend on a drug why not depend on an antibiotic why am i trying to save myself when the world has provided me happiness in a pill and instead of fighting all the time all i have to do is swallow (i've always been good about swallowing, ask him he'd tell you) and i guess this pill is just another thing to close your swallow even though you don't want it down your throat and i guess it's time to lay down my arms and say here, you win. i give in. the food festival is tomorrow and my  aunt tells me not to go because there are open wires on the fields and the rain has given them more life than ever before and oh i've always had a love-hate relationship with food (more love than hate anyday but that's the whole problem anyway) and i think i'm going to go to the food festival- whether for the doodh patti chai or for the danger of open wire shocks; **i'm not so sure yet.

Home is hanging with a few close friends
It's always spending time with family if not now and then
It's laughter, and hugging, and yes even tears
It's someone beside you as you're facing your fears
It's "good morning" and "what's for dinner?"
"I'll see you later", and "is there anything good to eat?"
It's not about where you lay your head to sleep.

Home is about the memories and the moments you hold dear
Talking about your long day with mom and dad
Or having a shoulder to cry on when your sad.
It's movie nights and nerf gun fights even when your "too old".
It's snow forts in the winter and couch forts when it rains.
It's being surrounded with love when your world seems full of pain.

Home is Christmas cookies, ice cream, and making apple cake,
And spending time with Grandma, learning how to bake.
It's a bro's night out at the movies, or breakfast in bed on Mother's Day
And it's dancing to the music in that particularly peculiar way.
It's beanie babies, teddy bears, and memories so sweet,
Basketball, and baseball gloves, and sometimes muddy cleats.

It's sewing fingers, broken fingers, and shutting them in doors,
Broken toes, and scooter falls, and hospital trips galore.
It's talking all night with your brothers, and driving together to school
And making fun of brace face whenever he would drool.
Home is not a building not confined to just one place
It's more a state of mind, a memory encased.

Family are the friends you're born with and friends the family you choose
Home is being with either for in neither case you'll lose.
They say home is where the heart is, so I've split my heart in three
One for family, one for friends, and one to keep with me
For life is full of travels, sights I have yet to see
Yet no matter where I'm headed, home is where I'll be.

1/13/17 1:00 am

New year has its
self created effigy
Can just another day
change the way
I grow old
or get ****** in
by pharmaceutical chemicals?
Can the new year
Maneuver my life in such a way
That my increasing trauma
Of New patches of grey hair
Disappear?

What do I hope for?
When Trump gets it
And a scientist gives us just 10 years to live (now nine)
2017 is a number
And it pledges hope
That the new violence
Is comparatively acceptable
That man in Florida
At the baggage claim
Is a sweet man
He is not ISIS
We don’t talk of him much

Happy as one may be
The shades of grey
And the optimistic colors of
Yellows and magenta
Will repackage our emotions
And give us a trajectory
To go on
Nevertheless

A year that took Cohen away
Can’t be a good one
But the one that gave
A Nobel to Dylan
Makes me sulk
And sing
“Times, they are a changin'”

Before it tastes like a savory.
But for some reason, it started to taste as what it’s supposed to be.
Sweet, creamy and lovely in every bite.

It was never my favorite in coffee shops.
It was never that tasty enough.
I couldn’t even imagine finishing a piece of this pastry.

I wonder what caused this sudden change of flavor.
I wonder why I have this urge to save it for later.
Perhaps, it was the person who gave and made it taste better.

It's another year coming to a close -

A time to give and sit around
Talking about all the wonders

Unexpected, and crossed fingers for - alike

A new box we now have filled
With brand new moments
And snapshots of memories
Nights we danced like crazy
And those we spent staying up talking, far crazier
Dreaming and stretching out our fingers

To grasp the distant future
And hold the best of new days close

A whole new box of all wonders
And reminders of when we were most human

To open and sift through, picking apart

And piecing together the parts
Of our lives and holding on
To the fewest, the brightest
And those we can't live without
On the bleakest of days and the longest of nights

For all we have is this firecracker of a life
The last five seconds between

Lighting and setting off
And on to the explosion we become

We've spent our years sitting and holding on
To one last glimmer of hope

A slow burn, simmering

Almost never going off

And right before we've all but given up
We're taken aback
By the loud crack and the dancing of lights,
Falling embers and exposing new dimensions

Now there is more to discover
Time to spend
And create
The next great adventure,

A hopeful new year, lasting long and
Filled with sights and stories

Two in the morning worries sitting on the roof,
Long swigs and watching the faint trail of smoke

Days for searching and nights spent answering
Questions that make up an existence
And those that give life

To the new year
And how it posits,
Theorizes all three sixty five new ways
The odds are fought, not so much as even defied

But goes down among storied days
It remains and awaits

With the grace of kind hearts and warm cheer
To be remembered and placed

On the footnotes and small scraps
Of history and the infinite loop

Of memories that together, create.

The first night of 2017,
Hearing some of Gary Burton's tango,
Reminiscing of 2016,
Shaping the perfect atmosphere of night,
Accompanied by this candle who's bright,
Flickering because of the music's vibe,
While seeing me reminisce, describe.