I think you send me little hearts on Skype because it makes me smile
And I think you think making me smile
Will keep a razor off my thighs and pills out of my throat
But I don't think you realize
I might do it anyway

Not to sound ungrateful
Because I appreciate the sentiment
But I feel like I'm dying anyway

And smiling wont stop that
And smiling wont bring my apathy back
“Why would you want apathy?” you ask
I live in a home where every eye contact
Makes it look like you're talking back
And when you talk back
You get your possessions taken from you
One by one

And that wouldn't be a problem
If I didn't miss the little hearts on Skype.

I don't care if I'm breathing in monsters when I smoke
Maybe they'll help me figure out the mess that is my mind
Because I sure as hell know the cigarettes do

Sometimes I remember the days when I was four and I had to spend the day at his house
I remember how I wanted to leave as soon as possible
But he had told me that what we did was a secret that I couldn't tell my parents
So I endured

Sometimes I remember the days when I was five and I thought it was normal
I remember how I didn't think there was anything wrong
I thought that everyone did this
So I endured

Sometimes I remember when I was six and he started being much, much meaner about it
I remember the bruises I would have
I thought that it was my fault
So I endured

Sometimes I remember when I was seven and he began to fear my beginning of truth-telling
I remember the touching slowing to a halt
I thought I had done something wrong, but I was so, so glad that I did
So I endured

Now sometimes I remember when he's not the one touching me, but you are
And I tell you to stop in the very middle
But you understand how it feels because I've told you during my 3 AM bouts of depression and nightmares
So you endure