One day, I will no longer
be in the habit of checking
if your light is on from your window.
One day, my thoughts will be
in my own voice again.
One day I will no longer
miss you from the moment I wake up
to the moment I fall asleep.

If there is
Just one thing I could do differently
I would go back to that night
And catch every single tear
That fell from your eyes

They are not your past.

Stop treating them like
everyone else who took
your heart and broke it.

Let them handle it with
careful hands so that you
may one day know love.

The hardest part of all of this is that you were not just the first person I was in love with, but the first thing I've ever loved at all. I think everyone needs to love something to be happy in life, and some people love their jobs, or school, or their home, or even themselves, but for me it was only you, and I don't know what to do now. I keep having dreams of people asking for my commitment and in those dreams the first thing I think about is when and how I will leave them. I keep having flashbacks to that evening we had dinner at the European brewery. You were joking about how if we ever broke up I would spend the rest of my life trying to replace you but I would never succeed. What if you were right? What if you were it? What if I am never able to love anyone else again?

I had a dream about you last night.
You held me tightly and lifted me up,
while I wrapped my legs around you.
You kissed me and said,
"Silly, I'll be with you forever."
My entire body was trembling
when I woke up. It hasn't stopped since.

Is there a word for the guilt you get
when someone is being so genuinely nice to you
and it doesn't make you feel anything
when you know that it should?
This is why I don't like being around people anymore.
Ever since you left,
I've been constantly trying to figure out
if I actually still care about anyone
or if I just tell myself I do because I want to believe it.
The way that I am now is similar
to how you have been since before I even met you.
So I just want to know,
who was it that you loved?

The other day,
my friend brought up something
that happened years ago,
and it was the strangest phenomenon,
the way it felt like that
wasn't even part of my memories
because it occurred before I met you,
like I wasn't even myself
until you came along,
like my entire life is only the span
between when you came
and when you left.