it is a new year,
it brings new beginnings.
yet why do I continue to feel
this heavy, dark weight
of the loss of you.
my heart continue to beat,
yet I am not alive.
I am dead to the world,
unable to soar with my wings spread wide.
all because of YOU.
you took my happiness
and crushed it into pieces.
i hate you
but I love you,
and that's what scares me the most.

i want to know what it's like to not feel anything instead of everything coming at me full force and repeatedly crashing into me until all that's left of me is tormenting feelings of uselessness and broken "i'm sorry"s and i want to know what it's like to not feel anything instead of the smallest things tearing my heart to shreds wondering how and why they held so much power in the first place. i want to know what it's like to be on the opposite side of the way i feel i want to be happy and full of joy again and i want to be happy to live instead of dragging myself around each and every day wallowing in a sea of self-pity that i swim in every day until i finally drown myself in at night when i can't sleep at 3am because i'm awake wondering what it's like to be anyone but me. i can't escape these horrible feelings because i can't run away from myself and that's the saddest truth i've ever had to live with

Humanity
cannot grip the thought
of loosing everything
and everyone.
but oh my darlings,
one day our corpses will be underneath the ground;
and our souls will be dancing with Angels;
the loved ones we lost so long ago.
do not fear death,
for death brings you home.
and home is where we all belong.

When humanity loses their beacon
Future plummets to deepest chasms
No light to welcome the future
No hands to hold, in our weaknesses
Only shenanigans
Will finally obliterate us
Leaving this celestial space lonelier