We were so detached from the others
our voices sore and aching from the cosmic conversations which had before cluttered our minds but now dripped from our tongues like water on the leaking tap.
You and I, the explorers of this monolithic place,
where the inertia of it's inhabitants had spread like wildfire
we were the resistance.

Can I get a taxi
because I need to go home
too long along these cobbled streets I have roamed.

I am not a wanderer nor a rolling stone
My quest has always been to guide myself home

I made your favourite cake
i knew you'd like it
and my body was tired
but i stayed up late to make sure it was ready just for you
just how you like it.
When you told me you weren't coming
something else has come up
I said,
what about the cake
and you told me you would have it another day
because something else had come up
and it did time and time again
and there was only so many times i could bear that feeling
a feeling i wanted to reject
a feeling of feeling a reject.
So I called the whole thing off and you agreed
even then it hurt me to see
you felt the same.
It was my first birthday without you and I guess you thought about what i'd be going through
i watched you walk away after you dropped my present at the door
i thought,
after all this time,
we are strangers you and i
You've left this gift at my door and now i watch your frame walk away
wondering what days
lie ahead for you and I
separately.
Strangers we are now,
when you flicker through my mind
do i wander through yours at the same time.
Once we were,
now -
never to be
our moments in time
separately.

This was not supposed to be the life for me
it wasn't chosen free
I dont think it was
I dont think it was
it cannot be
my true story

How many love songs will I write,
To get my lonely heart through the night?
I don’t miss you in my bed,
Because of all the cold words you said.
You chewed me up and spat me out,
There is nothing more to talk about

Whatever you do,
you'll fall from grace,
at some time
at some place.
But my darling,
whatever you do,
fear not,
this is only one part
of a much larger plot.

When you died
I beat my chest
in utter despair
in utter distress.

When you died
I screamed your name
the pain
the pain
it was all to blame.

When you died
I kissed your head
and thought of all the words I should have said.

Up you left
into the sky
your soul
your soul
I saw it fly.

I stared at your writing
You had written your name to remove a book from the library
The orange paper now fading
Your ink in red
I imagined your hand holding the pen
Paper you probably thought so insignificant
The significance to me colosal
The subject matter one of my interests
Shared between you and I
Words we will now not speak
Conversations we will never have
I study your writing
And I will think of you instead.

I told her to stop sharing her grief
we had all felt it
but no one else really cared
and would want to be burdened with all that sorrow
sometimes you think,
it might lighten the load
but there are so few now
that really care

My voice of hope leapt into the air
****, the way it spread everywhere,
but ****,
you didn't hear a thing -
you couldn't even feel those decibels ring.

How optimistic was I,
that this message
would pass all the way through
it's trajectory,
yearning for it to land to you -
from me.

How occupied you are now
the epoch of us has gone,
I just wanted you to know
I still think of you
despite it being
so long.

I was a piece written by Mozart and you never learnt how to play piano

I came here a lot when dad was ill
and it really made me feel -
like I just couldn't breath
suffocating in silence
with nothing to
appease -
the pain
the loss of love
it is so insane.

It's not a unilateral decision
when you decide to leave earth
it really affected everyone
but I know you would argue
you didn't have a say
and maybe I am just looking for someone to blame
because the aching heart
is an unreasonable thing
Oh and what a double entendre,
a funny thing.

Your equivocal life
I didn't seek to know enough
now we all sit around your boxes of stuff
your books of Tolkien stand proudly in their place
life's journey
what a race
but you
you finished too early
and now You are gone
my dear
so many tears
and I will play the saddest of songs.

Solitude summoned me into it's lonely arms once again
and I told you
I'll be right back

Baby
I'm so tired of the endless fights
worrying if you still love me at night

I can't make you see what's true
and
I can't make you care because
if your soul was aligned with mine
we wouldn't be in this despair

baby,
I love you
but even you said
that love isn't enough

my heart isn't made of unbreakable stuff.

When it rains, it pours
and I don't know what to do.
When it rains, it pours
and I shouldn't be missing you
and I shouldn't be missing you.

I wish you would stop searching for love
within people
and things

the only place you'll find it is if you search within.

Don't text me back
and don't make the bed
i can't quite stand you after all the foul things you said

can you let me go
because i want to leave
i am too tired
the universe has handed you your reprieve

my mind, my mind, you loosened the chains
now it is me
it is me that remains

Hit the gas so hard
I guess then it was too soon
there was not even a chance to enjoy that honeymoon-
period because we were so enraptured by it all
but now this unadorned love is something I cannot recall
it really is alien to me
I was more accustomed to the magic you see

The interminable talks of you and me
psychoanalysing what used to be

This sense of foreboding
we both know what's next
now the ecstasy has gone
all I can do is wish you well
for the heartache has gone on for far too long

I thought of your eternal soul when I bathed in the sea
Where we returned your ashes
Where you wanted to be.

This ephemeral life
How angry I was when you departed,
A year on still I grieve
Unable to accept another life you have started.

The sublime wonder of everyday
The lives
The deaths
The returning of they.

The magnificence of it all
If you have the strength to see
Why cry for those who left us
They are eternal as are we.

What could have been
was what we lost,
our mistakes
at a cost.
At first glance, such a beguiling love so
how
could it diminish to such a prosaic space?
I guess we were in such a
race
to feel it all
and it was the most tumultuous, clamorous fall.
The puerile arguments of when I came home late -
how facile you acted when I tried to really piece together the broken pieces of us,
you told me not to make such a fuss
and your facetious nature of it all
left me with a foreboding sense of our downfall.
You became braggadocious
and I just couldn't stand it so maybe
we reached our apex
and this is for the best.
Irregardless of it all,
I think of that epoch from time to time
the special love when you were mine
the sublime notion of finding you
someone I would have searched universes to find
if only
if only
we could rewind.

They told us to fly and I asked, how high? To the stars where you belong, was the honest reply.

I loved you,
you didn't love me back
it was enough to bring on a heart attack

What a wild illusion my heart did desire
all the while
my feelings burned in the fire

I must abstain from falling in the trap,
I must,
I must,
please don't take me back.

He said, how often do you come here.

When I’m bored, I replied.

He asked if he could join me, I said if you must.

Playing it cool like the ice in my glass.

We spoke and we smoked,

We drifted and we drank,

We left together that night.

We had the most bizarre conversations

and he fitted me like my best Kurt Geigers.

I love him, I thought,

but I didn’t,

I enjoyed his company

and the alcohol allowed us to connect,

We said things we never would, had we been sober.

That night, I knew him better than his wife.

Sad isn’t it, to think,

your deepest darkest secrets were revealed to a stranger,

and not the one you claim to love.

Not the one who wears a rock to symbolise your eternal love.

He asked me, will you go to that place again?

If I’m bored, I said.

Don’t hang onto my every word
Because I know I can sound a little absurd
Bizarre thoughts leap from my mind
And leave the sane ones behind

Sometimes I feel like I don't know if you were really here
I'm not sure how but all the memories have disappeared
whether they were suppressed
it was probably for the best
and everyone is trying to suggest -
to me
that I talk to someone outside of the family
and try to gain some stability.
But all I can really think about is the journey you went through.
In the end
words can never mend the loss of one of your first friends,
one of the first people that held your heart.
My dad, the one who was there from the very start.

You should have stayed
why did you leave?

It wasn’t as though I knew anything was wrong,
weren’t we in love and getting along?

When you want to leave,
the only choice is to go.

A feeling that escapes you can never recapture,
I guess my heart just got lost in the rapture.

We can’t live forever

This vessel wasn’t built to last for eternity

Life goes on

And I’ll see you in another life

Won't you stay a while
and sit by my side
because you know, our ephemeral lives are tired

Watching you cry,
i felt it too,
my shoulder will always be there for you

One thing that bonds us all
the pain we feel
the seasons that pass
it makes it all real

Won't you let me comfort you
to help you find solace after all you've been through

A minute gone,
An hour past,
This life
this life
it does not last

What a life
and what a time
how crazy we were
when you were mine.

The difficulty of remembering what was said
the fleeting memory
probably better left unsaid.

6 months on,
Everything is stale,
Nothing has grown since you've been outta town,
6 months on,
But it seems so long,
Pushing past your memories like they're somewhere they don't belong,
6 months on,
You're still in my head,
Can't forget seeing you on your death bed,
6 months on,
Looking up at the sky,
Please forgive me for all the tears I have cried.

Feeling at the top
like I climbed the Alps.
Man, I realised I had to
before time ran out.

The tenacity in all my being
I was never going to stop
now this, you're seeing.

However, it wasn't so long ago,
I felt so low,
a deep unrest inside of me continued to grow.
All the while I knew it wouldn't last
but I knew I would
and I knew My Path.

How ephemeral our feelings can be
that's why I never let them get the best of me.

By my own admission, I will admit
although not there yet,
the apex I will meet.

i thought of your smile but now i was impervious to any thoughts of you
the plethora of emotion i had once felt
had now gone
but when i sat on the bench at the end of my garden
mind still
regretfully
you were still in mind

The gift of remembering is a terrible thing,
Memories of the past, a tear will bring.
But before ignorance clouds my brain
I must abstain from pretending the intractable pain -
Of life doesn’t exist,
For it impacts us all throughout our lives,
And so does joy - allowing hurt to subside.

I must remember,
How dare I forget!
My ambivalence towards memory is something that didn't last,
Ironically another memory in my mind’s past.

Typical earthlings,
With their generic views.
Oh I’m bored of these earthlings,
And all the things they do.

I cannot even
fathom
how happy I will be
when I see you
again

I looked for you
I found pieces of me
I picked them up on the way.

Still not whole,
but still not fully broken.

I felt like I’d been severely stabbed but when I looked there was nothing to dab, for the Pain it swirls around my heart, from the day You and I did abruptly part

Today a thousand tears I cried
because you are not here by my side
although I have tried to dismiss as many memories as I could
today proved difficult
because it is your birthday
and it is hard to forget giving you a birthday card
and I cannot remember the last time I said 'Dad'
it is so odd to say aloud
and I wonder if you can hear.
I hope I grow up to be just like you the child inside of me screams so loud
because you really were the magic of it all
and I couldn't see your light
as much as it shines so powerfully now
the fondest memories if I allow myself to remember
and I wish we had written together
Do you remember making me sing while you played guitar
House of the Rising Sun
I wish we could go back
I will try to remember
and I love you Dad,
Happy birthday to you.

It’s been so long since I last saw you
Since I heard your voice
We had to throw out some of your clothes
They were getting old
And we’re moving house
Somewhere new
Somewhere where there’s not as many memories of you
They’re hard to escape in the house you lived
The place you left us.

My whole life will have passed by until we meet again
And that’s a long time
My old friend.

I asked her where did you buy the Bob Dylan collage from
You made it apparently
Well then, I must have got it from you
I’ve made so many collages too

I found your bookmark
So I know you were reading about death
I guess you were wondering what was going to happen next
I hope you weren’t worried
It made me worried
Worrying about you
Hoping you weren’t scared about what you were going through

I think we would have got on so much better these days
Back then you thought I was going through a wayward phase

Another day passes
Another moment in time
And I know I will see you again
When the time is right.

It was so frustrating that a song
a lyric even
just words really,
would transport me back to the memories of a boy.

He was the beginning of summer
unable to keep me company in the coldest winter.

And the sad reality of the current moment in time was that
I must set my heart free
from this middle place.

Watching the passing of hours
We thought the world was ours
It belonged to us
and we belonged to it.
The oceans roared
while we heard the crowds applaud.
In perfect parallel they echoed what we already knew...
This world,
this World,
it belongs to You.

Many dreams
so I walked for miles
the blistering heat beating ******* my shoulders
and my heart beat racing against time -
winning every illusory race.
Footsteps -
it brought me right to your doorstep
but you weren't home.

And I searched for you in all the seasons
but all four told me they hadn't seen you -
for a while -
and it had been a while since we had synergised
to create a euphoria only we felt.

An interloper -
somewhere that had once been so familiar
and I was reminiscent of an ethereal being.
Although incredulous of the falsity of my prior truth,
how could I not -
begrudgingly accept the reality of our ephemeral world.

Follow me into the night
the dark sky has never shone so bright

Follow me into an incandescent realm
the future awaits
so only time can tell

You are like me
and I am like you

You wished for me
and I wished for you too

Our divine lives
are not just to be
there is more on this earth than what our eyes can see

Yeah you know, I felt as though I owed it to you
I'm sorry for these last years,
And I guess you were too.

Far away
you could say
but inscribed in my heart
are your last words
that nothing could really keep us apart.

How sad it is when I think of the past
when I look back at the last years
the grief tore us apart
and we let it in fact
no one held back
and no one admitted how much we ached when you left
there was no one ready to sweep up the mess.

I guess I really owe it to you
and all I can promise is what I will prove.

i thought of you late last night
at night
at night
when my brain goes into overdrive
How contrite you were when i said my final goodbye
our love
our love
you let it die

You left us and we weren't ready to be here without you
your jigsaw puzzle
a third of the pieces were missing

Because you don’t hurt the one you love.
Our romance was cut short
Love abandoned
Something so pure dissolved like a tablet in water
No evidence that it had ever begun.

When do you know if you’ve found the one
Will I feel like my life’s begun
Am I going to look into his eyes
And see a beautiful mystical sunrise
Is he going to fulfil my hearts desire
Or will this love eventually tire?

While we stood together
we were miles apart
I did not want you to be connected to this
a frequency not quite there
yet.
While sorrow still crept through me
you were so so still unaware of it all
a life untouched by pain
if only if only.
As I connect with my memories
healing slowly
I will know you are there
and we will be together.

Picking me up from Bethnal Green at 8am in the morning after I've had another crazy night out
Feeling lost and alone
Mind wandering and heart endlessly racing
Unable to go home and the only person that I know and needed there to save me was you
It was tasteless of me but the taste of comfort really was priceless
And even though we didn't speak for hours while I lay there filled with regret
You regretfully on my mind again
wondering what you're thinking
It was really sad because even though we weren't right for eachother you were always right there for me
3am
8am
I am -
thanking you again for just being there.