03:00
When I think about never speaking to him again, I picture a girl walking in a crowd that’s all moving in the same direction, and then suddenly she drops everything she’s holding and turns around and starts running as fast as she can, smiling and pushing past everyone till finally she reaches an open space and her face looks like sunshine as her hair blows behind her in the wind and she’s free she’s free, oh God, she’s free.

03:15
But then I think about walking into a doctor’s office ten years from now and sitting on a cold metal table, staring at my legs dangling off the edge, waiting. And then I look up as the door opens slowly, not expecting to see his tattooed arms hidden in a lab coat, but there he is and, oh God, his eyes haven’t changed, and I can’t breathe, and he just stands there, looking at me like an unfinished sentence. Then I’d have to let him put a stethoscope to my chest and listen to my heart and I wonder what it’d sound like, if it would sound like messy half beats of missing him. If he’d be able to tell. If he’d care.

03:30
Or maybe the next time I see him, if I ever see him again, we’ll both be whole versions of ourselves, content and in good places, our lives all sorted out and how we always hoped they’d be. And maybe we’d be able to talk about the weather and our kids and the lives we created apart. And maybe I’d be able to look at him with only feelings of pleasant acquaintance and relative indifference, not seeing the boy I fell for when I should’ve been focused on catching myself.

03:45
And I know I should find comfort in thinking about how one day I may look at him and feel nothing,

04:00
but it’s four in the morning and I don’t want to let go.

I used to feel bad for you, and how your skin was always painted purple and black with bruises that weren't self-inflicted, I almost wanted to absorb some of your pain for myself so that you wouldn't have to feel it as much, but as time has passed and you continue to let people walk all over you like a touristy sidewalk and kick you like a pebble on a road, I realized you like to hurt, you want to hurt, and you want people to sympathize for your hurting, I have had so much trouble comprehending why you gain energy from the way my heart drops watching your tears do the same, and then it hit me, your pain is contagious, like an infectious disease, except you like to spread the illness. You like feeling pain. You like making people feel the way you do, because you can't cure it and you know they won't be able to either

You couldn't even catch the color of his eyes because they were always centered at the ground, like he was searching for something he'd lost years ago and when he looked up at me to smile I could feel the emptiness dwelling deep within him as it appeared hopelessly broken and I don't think he wanted it to be that way. He looked like the absence of a human, like a walking corpse as his under eyes seemed to be permanently tattooed purple, and I didn't know if he ever noticed his laugh that seemed fractured and hollow like it took every ounce of energy from his body to produce. He was the kind of person you wanted to hold to keep all of the pieces together. The kind of person you couldn't let go

I don't understand you and how you've managed to scoop up every last bit of my being and sign it with your name in permanent ink, it's like I'm your property, like I'm something you bought years ago and used to love but now you just leave me to rest on a your shelf of forgotten toys and treasures. I still love you and I shouldn't but I do because at the end of the day you're the only one I think I ever did love. I loathe you for making me love you because it isn't fair for you to make me feel like I'm all you've ever dreamed about and then as dawn fades to dust I'm a huge mound of nothingness to you. I wish I could stop feeling this way but I still want to be yours like I was back then

January: I watched you slick back your hair when nobody was watching, and smile at the ground as she walked by. I wonder if you do that for every pretty face you see

February: You looked at me today and I don't know if it was on purpose but I thought about you that entire day

March: I want to know you, but I don't think you feel the same. So I'll just sit quietly over here echoing your name, maybe this time you'll listen

April: they told me you said you love me, I don't know if I believe them. You look at me like I'm thousands of miles away when I'm standing right next to you, do you mean to do that?

May: You told me you felt like you've known me for an eternity, is that why it was so easy for you to leave me without warning?

June: you remind me of blood loss, and it looks like you like to hurt, I don't understand you.

July:

August: I still feel your presence in my house but I know you're not there and you never will be.

September: I met someone new today and I think I like him but it might just be because i saw you in his eyes.

October: he told me I'm his everything and I told him I feel the same way

November: he held my hand and whispered sweet lies into my ear, and I pretended they were coming from you.

December: the weather is cold and bitter and it reminds me of how it felt when you left me. Do you remember when you left me? Do you even think of me?

You were like a drug that I swallowed and let drown my arteries in while you twirled and twisted around making me feel like I was on top of the world and I was so unaware that you were so bad for me, you were killing me softly and had every intention to make me feel like I needed you to be happy, but the truth is I don't need you at all in fact my life has prospered since I stopped overdosing on you and although the temptation may linger every now and then to return to that weak, broken girl in need of your euphoria to keep me on track, I don't need you and I never did.

If only I could somehow erase your name that's permanently tattooed to my forehead because whenever I walk around everyone can see it and how I wear you around like a souvenir but I've already departed from the country of you I don't need your souvenir anymore I want to let go but you're still with me everywhere and when I look in the mirror I still see your aching name written across my flesh and I hate that it won't go away no matter how hard I try and I just wish my heart would stop resting on my sleeve for everyone to come and easily obtain because I'm delicate and fragile and I'm trying to extract you from my body and my mind but you just linger on even tighter every time I try