"It is no longer a question of "Should I stay?" ...but rather, "When should I go?"

For, you see, I no longer crave your attention the way I used to. Nor have you craved mine.

I see they way your eyes glance at me, when you believe I'm no longer looking- eyes with a sharp pain that acknowledges that yes, we have both changed.

And it wasn't when you said, "I want the old you back" that I first realized it- we, had faded away, but rather the first time I caught myself with my eyes open during our kiss.... the first time I said an empty "I love you too."

For I was always taught to be truthful, but in the moment, the lie was so natural, so convenient, that I didn't want to ruin the memories of a perfect something.

How had I not seen this coming?
When should I go?
How could I ever leave this?

These are all questions that will ruin me."

I was going through my drafts when I found this from February of this past year. Isn't it ironic how the tables have turned? Because February turned into August, and now I am begging you to stay as you tell me you have to go-- that you want to leave me.  

And now I'm sitting here wondering how I could have ever written that I couldn't have loved this man, but according to the February me, I was preparing myself for this fall all along.

My heart is hurting since he told me he has not felt anything for a long time. And, apparently, neither had I.

maybe love is to watch a thousand winters pass, and still stand by his side because you know he's made of spring

as I slammed the door behind me, you began to drive away- "You promised yourself 30 seconds of courage." my brain whispered to my heart.

I froze for what felt like forever, but could not have been longer than a fraction of a second before I sprinted out the door yelling, "Wait!" as your yellow car came halting to a stop, "Just once more," I thought, as my heart began to drop-

"Here is my 30 seconds," I said. "Love is patient." 1 second passed on the clock. "Love is kind." 2 to follow what's true. "Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude." I whispered, 3 seconds more- out the door. "It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged." I recited quietly, realizing my courage was fading as tears streamed down my face violently. "It does not rejoice in injustice, but rather it rejoices when the truth wins."

His eyes began to water as I recited these words we had held onto once more, and louder for good measure, not realizing before how much more it meant then than before, " Love never gives up. Love never loses faith. Love is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love never fails..." I finished, realizing my thirty seconds was up, as I began to fall to the floor-I finished off with silent tears as he held me tightly in his arms and I whispered into his ear, "Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love." 30 seconds- up.

What happened after, I am not sure of. I only know that "when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away such childish things." I now hold onto the patience I am called to have, hoping and praying for an answer he may never be able to give.

Love is patient. I think as I count slowly to ten, wiping away the heartbreak and pain of a lost romance.

Love is kind. I recite as I remember the way he softly loved me that cool night in the field.

You drove away that day confused and crying, though I am not sure why, since you called it all off. All I know is that I carry those words around with me whenever I think of you- love is patient and kind. I must be these things, in order to love correctly- in order to show His love correctly.

I'm still waiting, patiently, and praying deliberately, for you to stay- for you to just give us *one more chance.

I long for something new.

I want so much to no longer *long for you.