Your eyes.
Your laugh.
Your smile.
Oh, how I miss it all!

Is it selfish-
     to want you all to myself?
Even if you were never truly mine... but I was *always yours?

I loved you by the way you squinted when you sang really loud in the yellow car. I loved you by the way you looked into my eyes as if to say, "I get it. I'm here for you. I love you too." I loved you by the way you kissed my forehead. I loved you by the way you loved me- especially when I couldn't correctly tell you how I felt, but you knew what I meant anyways. I loved you by the way you kissed me under the waterfall, and in the rain, and in the snow, and in the burning sun. I loved you.

You hurt me by the way you looked away when I began to cry. You hurt me by the way you lied. You hurt me when you ignored me. You hurt me when you asked me to move on- time and time again. You hurt me when you told me one more kiss wouldn't hurt anything. You hurt me every time you said you had to go. You hurt me when you could never tell me why. You hurt me.

I love you because whenever I picture happiness, you are it. I love you because you never gave up on us before, and now it is my turn. I love you because you are my rock. I love you because you are my person. I love you because you still love me, even though you are trying to stop. I love you- because even despite you breaking my heart, I am willing to start all over with you.

I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts back, and never lets you fall asleep upset. I hope she holds your hand and isn't afraid to reach for it first. I hope she doesn't get as frightened and angry in scary movies as I did, but I hope that she has a subtler and sweeter way of being scared. I hope she loves chocolate as much as you, so you don't have to sacrifice anything you love for her.  I hope she is never afraid to ask you to dance with her. I hope she tickles you when you're sad. I hope she makes you smile on bad days, and appreciates you on the good days, too. I hope she isn't indecisive or stubborn, but rather that she is confident and gentle. I hope you fall for someone who kisses you under waterfalls, plays with you in the rain, wrestles with you in the snow, and cuddles with you by the fireplace when it is cold.

But beyond that, I hope you fall for a girl who will never take you for granted or allow for you to stay angry. I hope she is someone who will stand by you when you are right, and still listen and care when you are absolutely wrong. I hope she is able to see you at your worst and love you still. I hope she can see the beautiful oceans in your blue eyes, and the galaxies in each of your heart beats. I hope she hears music in the way you speak.

I hope she means everything to you, because you mean everything to me.

she's been staring at blank pages
tapping her pencil against the desk
shaking her foot
she's been staring at blank pages
lost for inspiration.

she's started to cry
late at night
sometimes in the day
she's got a weight on her chest
she overwhelmed with emotions.

She's been filling up those blank pages
pencil swishing back and forth
paintings
drawings
poems
stories
each tear drop
a new chapter
every sniffle
a stroke of the brush

overjoyed to produce lovely work
dying from the pain
loathing the necessity
that artists
need to be miserable
in some way
or another
to be great

three years ago, I hesitantly explored the blue oceans of your eyes and discovered what it felt like to feel loved. you healed a broken girl- picked up the pieces and put me back together, leaving bits of you as you worked.

two years ago, you took my healed and happy heart on top of the ferris wheel and promised to never give up on us. we spent that year running around the fields, kissing in the snow and under the rain, and imagining our future.

one year ago, we were laughing under the stars in that field, loving each other madly, and enjoying what I didn't know would become our lasts.

today, you are somewhere happy ( I assume), and I am here.
tonight, I will drown in the memory of those blue eyes I fell for three years ago.
tomorrow, it will **** me, and my exhaustion of this pain will let it-


because loving you was the best thing I ever knew, but apparently I was not for you.

to believe the thoughts that
     consume my mind late at night

to believe the confusion
     in my mind

or to simply be? is a constant
     question of mine.

its** not that bad, the heartbreak will go away

all you have to do is find someone else
                 ...then you'll forget the pain.

lies they tell you to make it less painful.


The lies don't work.  It's hard to believe it ever gets better.