Do you want to hear the music I'm listening to today?

Would you like to hear how I feel about drugs?

I'll tell you what keeps me awake at night

About my divorce, addiction,
one-night stands, non-
breakups that destroyed me,
and whatever else is tattered inside

You can hear it in my tone:
that I don't like myself
And, sure, I'll tell you with my voice

And your heart will call out for mine

But it can't hear you
And it won't speak to you

Don't die young,
Pretty girl
Someone needs you

Someone spread **** all over your locker,
and I don't care
They're the ones playing with ****
Someone else cleaned it up
So what do you care?

"
People are more likely to believe in the supernatural—God, angels, or miracles—when they feel lonely than when they don't, according to new research out of the University of Chicago. The team of researchers also found that people alleviate loneliness by anthropomorphizing —turning objects into people that can keep them company. "When people lack a sense of connection with other people, they are more likely to see their pets, gadgets, or gods as humanlike," says Nicholas Epley, an assistant professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago’s Graduate School of Business and one of the study's authors.
"

So where is this made
up object known
as God when I'm
more lonely than
I've ever
been in
my life?

When the
Most enjoyment
I can
Get out of life is
By
Cutting up my
Non-poetic
Lines of
iN
The most annOYing
Wa
Y
Possibl
E,
U
Kno
W
I'
M
Pretty
****

Why, when I hear music that makes everyone happy,
Do I discover I'm sad?
Why, when I hear stories of a life of purpose,
Do I realize how meaningless it all is?

I break apart from my past
Leave what can't be behind
I search for new truth
But there's nothing to find

All the music you loved made my heart ache
The classic rock anthems,
Dead singers with vintage sound
Drew in my mind the parties of old
Days gone by, couples who've passed
Drugs they did,
Ignorance they spewed;
Peace is lovely,
But life is more complicated
Than your small, narrow mind

But I went on
I tried to fall in love
And I succeeded
In poisoning myself without drugs
Poison, your ex's word that stuck in your mind
But my poison wasn't you;
It was falling in love...
With a gentle heart,
A pair of pretty eyes,
Soft skin and soft touch,
A smile and a laugh

No, it was the music you loved
I hated it in my heart
I despised what it glorified
I am too empty,
And too mindful thereof,
For it to fill me

And I will wake up to that truth soon enough
With the music I now love
I'm getting bored already
When I don't have any drugs

Why wade into this world of love
These bold words written before us

Reliving loss,
Expanding the internal void,
Igniting desire that need not be

Why not say **** the world
And carry on alone

The moon
Her eyes
Her gaze
The sky

Leather
A hum
Crickets
Fresh air

How is
She here
How did
I find

Her hand
In mine
No more
Goodbyes

I want to get so high
And listen to each other's music
And as one of us cries,
The other one joins

We see;
We feel;

This is everything that's real

I'm sorry, M,
but you've just met
an unhealthy man

Being in your line of
work, you could probably
find a diagnosis if you tried
Instead of hour-long
sessions, you'll see it
after weeks of just
hanging out and talking

If you're good with
body language,
you may already
have some idea
that not everything is
wonderful inside me
And as time goes by,
I'll reveal my story
and what goes on within

You are free to choose,
as am I;
I do not know
if you're right for me
And I'm also reluctant
to make that decision
because I am so lonely
I could imagine you
to be broken as well
Being hard of hearing,
I'm sure,
comes with difficulty

But I need a connection
I need a soft-hearted girl
One who can absorb me
And I don't know
if that's someone you can be

I'm going to make love to you,
Okay?
You can look in my eyes
You can run your fingers through my hair
You can open your lips
And feel my kiss
You can remember what it was like
When we were once together
I'm going to make love to you,
And then I'm going to cry
Okay?

And, once this over,
Mankind's sprawling about the Earth
Flying from one end to the other
Making love
Waging war
Some feeding the hungry
Others ignoring the poor,
Who will look back at us
And say anything ever happened here?

I get your hopes up high,
And then I let you crash
My apology drifts by,
Worthless in the aftermath

All my life
I measured myself
By my income
Intelligence
Stupidity
Creativity
Mistakes
But when I died
I saw everyone else
Measured me
By my heart

Your mess
Spills out of
Your cuteness
And that's okay

When I write about love,
I'm writing about you
Remembering your presence
And the things you would do

I threw away your picture,
Quit talking to you
But you live on within me
No matter what I do

I play games in my mind,
Wonder if I could have you
But I think I'm just crazy
And sad to see, too

You were over at my place one time
We were talking about everything
You were opening up
Unusual for you
You said you weren't good enough for me
That you felt like I was supposed to do something special
And you would just get in the way
You cried, the most openly you ever allowed yourself to in front of me
I said you would make a wonderful partner if I'm supposed to do something special
I meant it. You would have been my choice.
And when I recall this now,
I also remember
No one has ever made love to you
What an opportunity I missed.
To share that with you
In your moment of vulnerability
Would have been beautiful
And I cry
Because I wonder if anyone ever will

Every time
I think I've
learned something
about myself,
I find out
the opposite
may be
just as true

My counselor asked me
if it bothers me that she moved on
what appears to be quickly
and how I feel about it

It's a heaviness in my chest
and a tightness
and it keeps me warm
in the worst way possible
when I decide to look her up on facebook
or when I realize
she's getting ****** by someone else

I mean, it ******* hurts, man
it makes me angry,
and under the anger, more hurt,
but is there really any point in talking about it?
Because it's been months
and I feel like I'm getting nowhere

It just feels like
I don't want to finish this ******* "poem"

It feels like I want to call her a *******
for lying to me
I want to call her a ******* fool
for throwing me away
for apparently not caring about me
enough to even tell me how she felt

But for whatever reason,
I still think highly of her
I still wish she hadn't gone,
and in my broken, weak, ******* heart,
I still want her to tell me she was wrong

How is it supposed to ******* feel?

I never realized until now,
The reason I can't find my love
is that I'm looking for it
in a woman
But it's you,
my brother,
who never had
a chance to live

You're the one
whose love I miss

God,
Can I please go out like this?
Because I'm smiling
Harder than I ever do
Riding with my friend Bradford
My brother, I love him
And I would be okay
If I died tonight

I wasn't very sad when we got divorced
I felt freedom
We had some real issues,
And I know I wasn't good for you
I don't stop and think about you often
But one thing I should appreciate more
Is that you hurt when I was gone
It caused you pain that I was no longer in your life
In a way, it feels good to be missed,
And I thank you for that

You've flipped the switch
No more feeling
Your mom beat you

She disparaged you for hours
A failure at everything
A total disappointment

It makes me sad
To hear you speak fondly
Of a hastened death

You're not perfect, man
But you're my friend

My heart beats
with a murmur
Its unsteady nerves
store anxiety:
confusion,
uncertainty,
self-loathing,
and depression
Occasionally,
it goes into
convulsions
as I feel the fallout
of the unhealthy
things I do,
and I wonder
whether anything
I'm doing in life
is right
Drinking, drugs,
staying up all night,
thinking with my ****
I just hope
one of these
heart attacks
I've been having
either wakes me up
or kills me,
because this
is no way
to live my life

Forget your flowery words:
Soft sensations weaving through our minds
As their sound vibrates gently on the surface of our brains,
The written word having skipped the ear altogether
Blah!

No, let your heart bleed from your fountain pen
And dump the ink well over these pages,
Spilling your blood for us to pour over
To search for beauty and love
And affirmation of the blood within our own

You soothe me
I nod my head
Roll it side to side
As you enter my being
Wash over my restless soul

You perk me up
Brighten my day
Your subtle quirks
Remind me this life
Isn't always so bad

You speak to me
Whenever I listen

I love you

But, music,
You're only a feeling

And what I need is someone real

I want to be naked and cuddle
Why can't I substitute for you?
With another,
It could never satisfy

With you, I imagine,
.....I can't describe

My sister,
I hear things about you
And I yell into an empty hole
The tears are here to stay
You're just like me
Only on the other end,
The one being hurt
But we grew up together
You were my big sister
We played
You put up with me
We had the same mom and dad
And you got hurt
And I hurt myself
To get away
But why did you do it?
Why did you need these things?
You're my sister
What am I supposed to do with this?
The tears are here to stay

Even if I found you,
I wouldn't want you
You're too depressing,
like me
Or you're too optimistic,
which is annoying
Whatever the case,
say something to disagree
with my outlook
on any given serious life topic,
and if you're not crying
by the end of our discussion,
I'm not being honest

If I died today,
This would be my story

A young man longed for love
He found glimpses of it as he spent time with several women
Once a man of deep faith, he lost much of himself as he turned away
At a parallel time, he held onto one of the women who never could have saved him
He lost his belief in love, but he still tried
He never understood why he was shattered
But in spite of being depressed almost all his life, things were never quite this way
He reached out to different friends scattered about different media
He tried to bare his heart for anyone who wanted to see
He wanted to be known
Broken relationships he saw everywhere brought tears to his eyes
He was tormented by death and the end of everything, so even connection he felt from time to time carried little meaning when he stopped to think
And one may have hoped there would be a happy ending, a comeback story, but he passed today
What will they say about him?
They may say anything they wish, but this is the truth of the life he lived

I put my heart on display
At the teddy bear store
When you take it off the shelf,
Will you squeeze it with delight
And cry out, "he's mine!"
Or will you hold it outstretched
"It's got a crooked nose"
Drop it on the ground
And find another one

All I do in life is long for something that can't be fulfilled. There is no answer to the questions; no filling the void. The girl I miss would be of no comfort if she were in my arms tonight. I would just be uncertain about something to do with her, wondering if I'm really happy with her; and the truth is I wouldn't be. When is it going to be my time? It's coming one day anyway, and I see no difference whether it comes today or in 40 years. I will not be fulfilled or happy in this life. That is a plain fact. Music, drugs, self-reflection, friendship, family, work, relationships - all these things leave me wanting more, needing more. God is no longer something I can believe in. I desire more regardless of what activity I'm engaged in. Connection is fleeting, never truly attainable. When is my time? I'm as ready as I'll ever be. When is my time?

Here I lay
With an itch to write
And fear of what I'd say

I have all this depth;
a heart
that bleeds

But when I meet someone new,
it's blaaaaand
What's your favorite color?

Why can't my heart
come out
and speak for me?

I blast music
I smoke drugs
I groove
Not to celebrate
Not to have a good time
Not even to escape
But because
it's the only
way I know of
to get
in touch
with how I feel

These nights
are too easy
for you
You get
what you
want
And
so do
they
But your
hurricane is
too strong
So they bend
and snap
Roots exposed
for them to see
For you to feel
A night with me

Don't put your heart through a filter
On its way to the page
Don't pump it up with violence
Unless violence lives inside
I don't need a disconnected intellectual discourse
I won't read your descriptions
If I can barely understand them
Just
Use your voice
Your own voice
So I can see who you are
So I can love you as you are
Without guessing
Who's behind your words
Is that so scary?

What if I stopped caring
about everyone
including me

What if I decided
it's not worth the effort
to worry
about what I
"get out of life"

What if none of the
cliché *******
love, self-betterment
mattered to me anymore

Maybe I could relax,
accept reality,
live and die,
and not give a ****
really not give a ****

No more struggle

Well I don't know if you saw me and passed on Coffee Meets Bagel a few days ago or not, but you look pretty adorable and sound interesting too, so I wanted to say hi either way! 4 weeks in Ireland sounds pretty great too - was that for work, or some other opportunity?

If you had to pick between only skiing or snowboarding for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

Hey! I do web work too...what do you do for the sports coverage website? No workaholism here haha, but I do work hard.

Where do you like to get ****** up on a Friday night?

Love the uggs on the one male stripper. Gotta get myself a pair.

Aww, you and your pup look like super good cuddle buddies. It's really hard to pick something to watch on Netflix...or Amazon Prime in my case. Watching anything good now?

What is there to get butthurt about on your profile really? Except for short guys, maybe. Oh, and gamers. I play games sometimes, but not excessively. What's the cooper tires thing you did?

6 pounds is tiny! What kind of dog is he, a yorkie or something?

Hey, hope you're having a good weekend. Kinda feels like a golf day today based on the way this last week has felt ha. Do you play a lot?

Hey, how are you liking the city and school so far? I went to an engineering school not too far away, you might have heard of it - ...

Sometimes it's hard to sum up our IT jobs in a few words, but nice job ha. A constant challenge and learning something new every day is what I like about mine!

I'm a different person than I was a few years before.
I may be a different person again in a few more.
But what does it matter?
I am an animal.
I react to my surroundings.
My will is limited.
I make observations.
I contemplate my own existence.
But one lonely day,
I pass away the same as a dog.
I'm missed by a few,
but not for long.

When you say hi for the first time,
just remember,
she's probably taken,
not interested,
interested only in ***;
none of that commitment ****,
or she thinks you're a creep
Good luck, man

I used to care about her every move
She deserved better than she got
I felt the smallest of her pains
Her biggest had me searching with my all
But the bitter taste left in my mouth
Has worked its way through my whole
Now, your problems are yours alone
Don't expect any help
If I offer advice, it will be cold
If you don't take it,
Don't bother whining to me again

I'm not interested in you
I'm interested in girls who
Show off their body
Because they want you
To need their soul

What do you mean,
Why am I on drugs?
I don't do this to hurt myself
I do it to survive

I remember one time
You came over
And when I opened the door
You sorta met my eye
And had a little smile
On your face
As you brushed by
It was just enough
That I knew you were
Happy to see me
Not just as a friend
Or a familiar face
But someone
You had been wanting
To see all day
And I smiled back
As I closed the door
Or I was already smiling
As soon as I heard your car
And we had fun that night
You might have left earlier
Than I would have liked
But we were smiling
And you were mine for that time
And now I don't know
What happened
Wind blew
And time
And conversations
Anxiety and drugs
Fear and distance
Coughing these up in our lungs
When we took hits
From your blunts
Suddenly it wasn't just fun
Nothing can be easy
Nothing simple
I still think about you
All the time
And I still open the door
But when I do
You're not there
And
I don't smile
So much anymore

You and I
were a beautiful love,
but not one meant to last
We loved the same music,
but in completely different ways

Your soft lies hang gently
In the clouds in your dreams
And wreak havoc
As they rain down in mine

I can't handle you, girl,
as we go to town,
I can't
You're too much
Just too, too much for me
As I let out this breath all at once
in an exhalation of anxiety,
you ask if I'm okay
Yeah, girl,
I'm so much more than okay
I just wasn't prepared for this today

In some parallel universe,
I hope when you broke up,
I invited you over and said,
listen to my voice, pretty girl,
and listen to my eyes
You gave it your best
and he tossed you to the wind
Here I am for you;
I never left
It's up to you, of course,
but I won't take you for granted
Won't you be mine, pretty girl?
And in this universe,
you said yes

Coworkers
Beautiful Asian girl
Guy friends in tow
DJ friend
Unexpected dancer
Molly, no
Dance
Socialize
Chips and dip
Clean up wine mess
Dance, dance, dance
Goodbyes and thanks
Glad you came
Too many drugs
But I had a ball
Please come again
You're welcome, all