I still
Party
Like you can hear me
Like this music
Will find your ears
And you'll remember
And you'll be moved

One guy punched holes in the wall
When he was angry at you

I broke my chair
When I lost you for good

What will this one do?
Nothing at all, I suspect
Not a care

Box pasta boils
on the 1950 stove
and I wonder why
I haven't written
in a while

I find pictures of you
I've never seen before;
The same missing feeling,
Only just a bit more

My heart broke
When you told me with a smile
How he hurt you
In the most intimate way
Without you even realizing
It wasn't right

as life blows by,
we're told to
grab hold
of every moment;
seize it;
soak it in;
but as we
fall from this cliff,
though we
give it our all,
these hooks we hold
merely scratch the wall;
so as I drop,
I wonder instead:
when will I wake up?
where will I be?
and these
dear faces
I glimpse
as I fly by,
will they awaken next to me?

I swear to god if you say I'm too good for you one more time
I'm just a ******* person

I'm smart, so what?
Am I not smart enough to choose someone who's good enough?

I've got a good job and I'm decent with money, so what?
Am I not allowed to share that with someone I love? Why the **** am I bothering with it then?

And now I realize
As I write
That I have my grandfather's heart
Papa, who I love
He married young
To a girl who had nothing
But big pretty eyes
A tough upbringing
And a tender heart
He fell in love
And he gave her everything
For the rest of her life

And that's why I loved this girl
She has big pretty eyes
And a tender heart
Had a tough upbringing

And she had my heart

She's a promoter
I finally met her
Already forgot her name
But her look
Speared me
Is this why she's successful?

I don't need an adventure every time we hang out
I don't need you to be a genius
You don't need to be completely put together
You're allowed to be unhappy

You can look me in the eye
And say you had a rough day
You can collapse into my arms
And I'll love you all the more

Train of thought
My go-to writing style
I tell you what's in my head
You tell me how bored you are
As this plane ascends
To thirty thousand feet
(Or something like that)
I think about how
I'm not sure I'd really care
If the thing went down
I mean if it really happened
I'm sure I'd freak out
That's what humans do
But the idea of it alone
Not a big deal
No more worrying
No more wondering
Right?
Well, maybe not
Maybe what lies beyond
Is worse than what's here
Or maybe it's nothing
But I sure hope not
See? I'm worrying again.
And this is barely poetry
If at all
But you're reading it,
I assume,
For a glimpse into my head,
Heart,
Or soul
So I wonder,
Reader Unknown,
What is it you're looking for?

As I read everyone's writes
I try to find pieces
I can believe are mine
And thoughts I wish were hers

The fantasy is appealing,
Imaginary healing
But it'll never be quite right,
So I'm back to real life

All I see around me
is unhealthy relationships
"**** buddies"
with feelings on one side
guys who refuse to commit
girls who cheat and lie
I'm tired of it all
It sickens me to see them
investing their hearts
in partners who
do more harm than good
Wake The ****! UP!
You're wasting your love...
...just like I wasted mine

I'm trying
to rely on
the right people
instead of the wrong,
but I find I don't have
the right people
to rely on

no one seems
to be a person
who's healthy
for me to confide in

some are healthy
in their own life,
but not right for me
to seek comfort in

others are unhealthy
or unstable;
not a solid foundation
from which to build

the issues I have
seem to be internal,
so perhaps it's best
I go it alone

We watched the fire
Rain fell
And you remembered the fire
You lived through a dozen years ago

Your experiences pent up,
They don't come out often
But after several drinks
Among people you've begun to trust,
You can tell your stories

We know you're not sure
How you feel about them,
But I can tell you
I'm no fan of cruelty

Beneath your
Uncertain reverence
Of those days,
I think there's anger
At the humiliation you faced

And one layer deeper,
There's hurt
Over the goodness you lost

I hear it in your hesitation
Each time you bring something out
You know it's not quite right,
And I know you're kind inside

Heal, friend
You're worth having around

I wait patiently beside the door
I heard the engine running outside
When will she knock?
There is no knock

I make myself a drink
It occupies my mind for a moment

I think I hear something
Could have been her car door
I head toward the front
Still no knock

I unlock the door
Lay down to wait on the couch
Perhaps if I drift off
She'll join me sweetly as I rest

Why did you run from me?
Could the sad story be true?
That you're stuck in fear
Of being loved by anyone true
A beautiful girl
And no one can share it with you
The only men you'll try
Guarantee to leave you dry
But it's safer that way
Since you've seen the future already

Probably not
It's probably some grey ******* reality
Like everything else
No redemption, no healing to be found
Nothing very interesting
Just human drudgery
Some feelings ignited for a while
And now they've gone out

Woooooooooooooooooooooo life!

You know how
some want to
fix their lover
and others badly
need fixing—
What if you're both?

How can I show
more of myself to you?
What can I show you
to scare you off?
Pervert,
**** at work,
****** addiction rehab,
12-step drop-out,
faith-lost
skeptical mind,
more like cynical
say one thing,
do another;
as confused about me
as you are

And I'm almost out there
first step,
bare all in anonymous groups
second step,
peel back the layers among friends
third step (two forward, one back),
mostly anonymous pouring out the heart
through my poetry in the dark
fourth step,
fully open among all?

I was laughed at the other day
upon sharing my experience with addiction
It didn't really offend me
am I almost ready?

Know how I search every day
on sites for meeting matches
and I never find anyone
I really want to meet
or really want to be with
That's because I'm still
searching for you
And what can I say
except I'm a fool

I barely know you
And I don't know
whether my feelings
will grow
But I think about
how I have to speak loudly
if I want you to hear
And I wonder
If I ever tell you
my secrets
How will it feel
to speak them boldly
As if I'm finally
voicing everything
about the world
that hurts
for the first time

I need just one person
To slow down enough
To see me
To find me
Look into my eyes
And keep looking
Not a glance
Put your hand on my chest
I'm thin, you can feel my heart beat
It beats for you
It beats for me
For what it hasn't found
For what will never be
Won't someone please
Cry with me?

I do serious ****,
but I'm not that serious
or maybe I am
because you haven't
been where I've been,
or done what I've done,
have you?

You shake it
and it happens
just like a music video
You turn heads,
make hearts fall,
turn us on
Most girls who shake
only pretend
You've got it real
and I don't think you care

You came back,
My dear
Not my love,
Not today,
But one I can imagine
Ponder and feel

Alexa, turn off the light
Alexa, it's cold in here
Alexa, tell me a story
Alexa, sing me a lullaby
Alexa, I miss my girl
Alexa, pull up my favorite ****
Alexa, are you real?
Alexa, I'm bored
Alexa, stop
I'm sad

I want to tell you a secret

a chance to glimpse the truth


This heart of gold you see

the kindness, the care

the soft-spoken words

soaking away your despair


This heart does not intend

to bring you harm

but it will

Designers illustrate
and put words I don't want to say
Why don't you just create motion
and emotion;
feeling through colors
and shapes,
all unrecognizable,
except inside me

I want to know what it's like
To have your undivided attention

everything's perfectly aligned on screen
IM windows in the corner,
my several pinned tabs:
email, poetry, music, analytics stuff,
and a book a girl told me about
my desk is a disaster:
a book about curing moods
from one of my best friends
tax papers, pay stubs,
eye drops, spent soccer tickets,
a can of anti-itch spray,
plastic bbs, empty boxes,
and paraphernalia
the clock only keeps ticking
and I wonder if the devil in me
will come out in my dreams again tonight
I hope I don't wake up on the floor again

You...
I'm not sure what to write about you
I wonder if you can see my hurt
You say you're a very anxious person
And that you had a panic attack
And that's why you started counseling
The way you carry yourself, though,
Seems like you have it all together
When you look at me,
Do you see what's going on inside?
Can you see my past?
My recent history?
I don't know what to do or say or think
I haven't kissed you
Do I want to?
I like our goodbye hugs
I notice you are a little cuter to me each time we meet
Tonight for the first time, though,
My last love came to mind for no apparent reason
It was only the anger and pain
Not love (or infatuation)
But she is still in the way
And I need to take it slow
I just hope our feelings line up
Whether or not we continue to grow

I went to a show sober
and I feel worse
at the end of this night
than I normally do,
but I guess at least it's real

Come to me,
soft woman
Look inside me and speak
The wounds you discover
may remain as your gentle voice
washes over my troubled heart,
but the pain is all but removed
so the healing may begin

So I'm going to a soccer game tonight
And I was looking at you on facebook
Earlier today
And you don't have to go, of course, you know
But it might be fun if you did

And me and my friend
The one with the same name as me
We're going to a party later, after the game
And you don't have to go, of course, you know
But it might be fun if you did

Want to go?
And
Sorry
If I'm a creep

It's late at night
and I open the door
The warm glow
of a someday-illegal
incandescent light
gently fills my living room
I plug my phone
into the receiver
and set it to full volume
techno
it's time to vibe

I get down like this
every night
til it's later than what's right
because I love it,
but I can't lie
I'm also missing something;
I don't have your love
to carry me to bed
so I can sleep peacefully
and calm my restless head

Someday,
I'll retire where it rains and storms,
and I'll sit out on the back porch
with the girl I love
and watch the lightning strike,
and we'll find out
how powerless we are,
and how beautiful it is to see
the silhouette
of a mountain tree

For now, I'd rather imagine
and write about that day,
even as electricity
lights the sky before me

I long for you, my beauty,
The one who will put
the rest of creation
in its place

I recorded this off the cuff.

http://youtu.be/btVqiO-hgPI

I just want you to know
that
I think about you all the time
and
it doesn't matter what music's playing
I write lyrics to that song
and it's always about you
It's not always love
Sometimes it's pain
Most of the time it's pain
It's regret
about the way I handled
everything that happened
It's about
Wishing that I'd been stronger
It's about
Wishing that
I'd been able to keep it
in my ******* pants
It's about wishing
that I could just be your friend
And let things start over again
It's about wishing that
you'd have wanted to move
a few miles
instead of across half the country
to a state that I know you don't
want to live in
except for him
But it's always about you
I always think about you

Maybe tomorrow
I can cry
about something
different

So you don't hear well, you say
Left ear a bit better than right
You're a little apologetic at first
But you look me in the eye
And at my lips when they move

When you look away
You don't hear me sometimes
But maybe that's okay
Maybe I could learn from you
To speak with more intent

I wait as your head is turned
And due to your brief absence
When you look back my way
I brighten all the more

A sound is comprised of a range of frequencies forming a wave
I ride just ahead of the crest of that wave
As your music carries me along

I stay awake until 5 every morning
It's an escape
If I go to bed, I have to think
And I've given up on living

My ex weighs on my mind
And then my other exes join
No one will satisfy me
And my vision is going bad

Art won't be my living
I'll have to go back to productive work
I have no plan, no discipline
And I'm about to **** up some relationships

Everyone is sour, I believe
It's the most obvious quality of mine

My dad, though he would not be my dad for two years, was left alone outside the newly-vacant hospital room
A cart stood inside, unmoved since my mother's bed was rolled away
He could not follow her, but his mind had not left what lay on the cart since her departure anyway
He was not supposed to do this, but there was no choosing otherwise
He entered the room and approached
A white towel lay over a small metal pan resting upon the cart
He reached down and pulled the towel away
His son
Tiny, not entirely formed, but human
His name was Spike
My name is Spike, too
He must have only been a pound or two
My dad loved him
And I love him, too
My brother,
I hope someday I'll meet you

I remember when you told me
about a guy you met
with whom you had a connection
from the outset
He looked at you with a look
you'll never forget
When he spoke,
you heard the truth
about the stardust you came from
Who knows
where the star came from,
but you came from it
Why did you run from him?
As beautiful as you are,
it only would have taken a look
It would have been a look
he'd never forget
And you could have both kept
remembering it together
until the very end
And I can't understand
Why did you run from it?

Your name
is more of a trigger
than your face

Your biggest smile
As you tell stories
Names I haven't heard before
Fondness I haven't encountered

No raw rock voices
Of broken men with life
I can't hear you right now
You're too much of my story

But I will get lost in you,
techno;
Your monotony makes me forget me

These secrets you keep
I know them
I know almost everything
But the one remaining piece
You keep from me
As if telling me
Would destroy me

I already know, dear girl,
And yet I love you
Please tell me
So my love will be complete

I suppose I have to send the first text
I suppose it has to be just right
Right time of day
Sincere, but not serious
Playful, but not juvenile
Smart, but not intimidating
Polite, but not formal
Happy
And then I'll wait

Or how about I just say **** it
It's pointless anyway

And by that, I mean my Turkey Cheese *****

But for real, it can also **** my *****

That is, my Stuffing *****

But, on a serious note... it can **** my real, actual *****

Of course, I'm referring to my Oreo Cookie *****

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I won't talk to you,
*****
My friend might,
but you ****** him over,
and I won't stand for it

I stop on my way through the kitchen. Something about the floor is appealing. A week ago, a dozen people stood there chattering and drinking. The ones who didn't care for dancing in the basement. Today, the floor is empty. It's well-lit. It's hard. It's a bit *****, but not repulsive. I stand still for half a minute, looking down at it. I want to lay down there. I don't know how I would situate myself, but I want to lay with my chest on the floor. It makes me sad to think of myself there, but it seems just right at the same time. It looks like home. I consider how no one would know. I appear in people's lives every day, and then I disappear into my car and drive off to some abyss from which I'll reappear tomorrow. I wonder how many men have moments like these. I think about family, and how at funerals we talk about what he was like, how kind-hearted, how funny, and how everyone will miss him. But we don't talk about this moment. We don't even know this moment occurred, because it took place in the abyss.