"daddy, i'm so tired all the time.."
of course you are.. you barely eat...
"don't i?"
no you don't... you only just eat enough to survive
you eat less than your 5 year old sister.

"what?"
Yea...



- I don't know why... and i haven't thought about it.
I like my body trust me
But i don't want food
I am hungry, but i don't eat till the hunger has passed i only eat because i have to... if i didn't have to i wouldn't eat.
Eating bores me
Eating makes me feel nonproductive

I haven't thought about the fact that i eat less than my 5 year old sister... and i can't understand why daddy hasn't said anything before now..
And now i can't wait to get on the weight because  i wanna see if he's actually right, that i'm losing weight..
Trust me i'm not trying to... idk why i'm doing this...

I'm afraid of many things..

The usual...
Spiders
Heights
The dark
Strangers
Clowns
Dying
Fire
Flying
And the list goes on...


But the thing i fear the most is that you see me the way i see myself..

i've been joyful for the past 4 months... i haven't even had one sad moment....
but all of a sudden i look back at how my family is torn apart, how i changed so much..
how much weight i gained.. how faded my scars are, and i kinda miss the way i fell....

I would never imagine that i could miss something that bad this much..

A couple of weeks ago my aunt asked me,
what the first thing I noticed about a girl is.

''Her hands''.

The conversation quickly turned *****,
''you just want to know what they are able to do to you''.

At first,
I thought it was funny,
almost agreeing with the statement that had been made but then,
I realised that we all want what we can't have.
Looking down on my own hands for ages thinking that I wish they could just function.
I have been looking for the hands I have never had,
in the girls I have been debating whether or not they were,
girlfriend material,
judging my looks,
my hands,
my shape and my face while other girls wants what I have.

After realising just that,
I decided that from now on,
I will stop looking at hands and look into their eyes instead.

(e.k.j.)

goosebumps.
like the ones you give me.
like the only things you left as proof
that we were real.
goosebumps.
the ones I got when you stroked my side with your thumb
and it tickled
but I didn't tell you because I was afraid you'd stop.
goosebumps.
the ones I got when you raised your voice
and threw plates across the room just to watch them shatter
like my father used to.
goosebumps.
the ones you gave me
when we'd sit in front of the fireplace
with our blankets and hot chocolate
on cold winter nights,
taking turns exchanging ghost stories.
goosebumps.
the ones I got when I found out you'd become
one of the ghosts from the stories we told.
goosebumps.
the ones I got when we lowered you into the ground
because it had become too hard for you to breathe air anymore.
goosebumps.
the ones I got from the whispers saying I could've saved you
but didn't.
goosebumps.
the ones I get when i feel you touch my arm
when I sit in front of the fireplace alone (like I did during fights)
and whisper, "I'm sorry," in my ear
in the middle of the night (like you used to after fights),
pretending it's your arm around me
instead of your favorite blanket.
goosebumps.
the only things that remind me I'm real.

I'm afraid that this wonderful year has come to an end
and that we have to go our separate ways

I know i was the one who left
but i can't do anything but cry

I thought that we would last for ever..
everyone did really

we were perfect
back then at least..

But i matured while you stayed the person you had always been..
and as i changed so did my feelings..

It was tearing me apart to know that it would never be the same
and to hide that knowledge from you..

i still love you
i just want you to be happy

but it's time i put myself before everyone else
and so should you...