october 7th: i saw your for the first time and i knew you were something special
october 25th: we had our first real interaction, i told you that you were “so tall”, you laughed and told me about a food fight you and marcus had previously engaged in
i don’t remember the exact date but i know it was sometime in november, the third i think, you and emma ended things and i remember finding out in reading class and throwing myself a silent fist bump and whispering “yes” to no one. happy that you were finally single and i knew that i wanted you.
from november to december i was trying to set you up with sage. you were oblivious to this obviously and i had my sights on someone else, a distraction from what i really wanted but didn’t realise until i yelled at sage “go out with harrison he’s nice and cute” and so forth and she yelled at me “why don’t you go out with him?” and i replied with “maybe i will.” in that moment i knew that you were what my heart desired.
december 23: the first time i tried to talk to you. i said you were lucky that you were in australia and you told me you were visiting home. you left me on read and i remember getting sad about it, but overlooking it afterwards.
january 4th: i chatted your story about cereal, from there we hit it off. The beginning of us was anything but platonic. i knew i had a crush on you after an hour of talking but you had no idea i existed up until that moment.
january 8th: things escalated that day, we established our feelings and mutual like to each other. whatever platonic feelings lay within us faded that day and we were.... us.
january 15th: the fatal first date. i looked a mess looking back on it but i remember our first kiss and i still relive that moment. the sun had never felt so good on my skin, and you, you were a dream and i was head over heels. i remember getting home and my entire family made fun of me but all i could do was smile. i hadn’t felt butterflies in awhile and it was petrifying.
every weekend there on after we were together and after awhile i became comfortable, the most comfortable i had ever felt around a boy. i remember falling into horror, i didn’t know what this feeling entailed until february 18th...
february 18th: the day i realised that you would be the first boy i ever fell in love with. i remember the moment vividly. we were waking back from coconut and you were walking in the road because the pavement was too dark and you were scared. you were dancing to michael jackson and i remember looking at you and saying to myself “this will be the boy i fall in love with.” and i began to cry. i was terrified, i knew that once i admitted that there was no stopping myself from inevitably falling in love.
april 1st: the day i realised i loved you. we were sitting on my bed and you weren’t doing anything, simply just sitting and i looked at you and the first thing that came to my head was “i love you”. i freaked out inside and i almost said it to you, but i caught myself and you didn’t even notice my freak out.
april 8th: i thought you were going to break my heart this day. things seemed off and you only kissed me once, i had never felt so confused and upset by you before, this i believe is why you started to realise that you weren’t ready for me.
april 14th: this was the day i knew bad was coming. prom wasn’t the greatest for me and i didn’t acknowledge the fact that you leaving me alone so many times was significant to something, i should’ve seen the signs. but you looked like a dream and i was so in love with you that night. i remember our slow dance and looking into your eyes and i had never felt so much love for one thing before, i stopped myself from crying. i felt like i was on cloud nine and we were infinite.
april 18th: our first fight. it was over nothing and completely my fault, but you knew we were over and i cried myself to sleep that night. terrified that i had pushed you away and that there was nothing i could do to make you stay.
april 19th: the day before our demise. you told me that you were glad to know me when i said i was glad to have you, everyone said i was overthinking it when i thought that was a sign we were over. turns out i was right. i cried again that night, i didn’t know at the time why.
april 20th: the end of us. you wanted to be friends, and that’s what we are i guess.
i act like i’m okay with it, smile when i see you and answer all your texts. i know it’s only been just over a week, but i have never felt so much pain, this week has been an eternity. i am constantly waiting for you to change your mind but i am terrified that i am causing to you believe that we are better off as friends than lovers. i hope you know that’s not true and that there will be no one more perfect for each other than me and you. i love you and i plan to tell you one day, soon. i love you i love you i love you and i don’t think you understand that. i am doing all of this to make you happy because that’s all i could ever want. i love you my darling, and i know you don’t love me too.
this is more of me reliving my heartbreak