You have got to wake up every morning at the crack of dawn,
Brew yourself a coffee,
Sit on your lawn chair,
And watch the first orange hued rays of sunrise kiss the dust-laden rubble

You’ve got to stop crying
Stop keeping yourself awake every night thinking about the same **** thing that wont matter 2 years from now,
You’ve got to stop depending on him to make you smile,
Talk to your friends and make yourself smile,

You’ve got to stop pitying yourself
And think, breathe and then go upstairs and get some sleep.
And kid you’ve got to love yourself
Because you’re beautiful
Because you’re worth it
Because no one else really will.

It’s not just pain,
it’s hotter,
brighter,
more compelling.
It's heartbreak-love,
the kind that tears you apart inside
and yet awakens you
to the silenced realities to which
most are blind.

It is a pull, a lock that
hooks inside of another
person drawing
them to you
indefinitely.
You feel like a magnet
at all times,
crushed when he looks at you
with those sad, terrified eyes
which beg for hope.
You are crushed for him,
crushed for his pain.
Always wanting
to keep him
close to you, to give him
the warmth you
somehow know
he needs.

No one will hurt you here,
you want him to know.
You’re safe with me, I will protect you.
You want him to be happy,
more than you care
about your own happiness:
that’s heartbreak love.

And it's always the loners,
the lost souls,
the obscured escapees,
the ones with the shaded expressions and watering, orb-like eyes,
the ones with the smiles that don’t quite touch light into the face,
the kind that drains life out of you,
yet leaves you needing more.

He’s my boy,
that’s how you see it,
how you experience it.
He’s yours,
and you would do anything
to protect your child.

I've been trying to reach you,
In this silent dead area,
Where neither I nor you can see,
The dark and misty air,
Vague,
Though clear.
I can see you on the field,
Looking for a place to shield,
You and me,
We are distant,
But not that far from reach !

i was rummaging through the sock drawer,
i found the candle
that i burned during that winter i lost you
it was too hard to handle.

you left me,
and the smell brought it all back:
the loneliness,
the blood, the anxiety attacks.

i hated that winter,
your absence was so loud.
i was a zombie in my own chains,
you were my black cloud.

i needed you so bad,
i know that's a horribly cliché thing to say,
but i couldn't sleep, eat, smile or laugh
i needed you those days.

i was a hollow shell
of someone i never knew.
i thought it'd maybe make me stronger,
i barely made it through.

the silence and confusion
rang in my ears.
the pain is so real
it won't disappear.

merry Christmas,
i wish you were here,
i hope you're having a great time
i am drowning in my fear.

that Christmas was the coldest one
that i have ever known,
i never thought i could get that bad,
why'd you leave me on my own?

i denied it all,
tried to hide the pain
but it crept around corners,
slipped into my veins.

the days faded into nights,
the nights into days,
i never left my bed,
i was a slave to your dark and estranged haze.

my only friends were the figures
that danced across my bedroom walls.
the flame would flicker and shake,
i watched the shadows rise and fall.

the sadness smells like linen and ocean waves
i will throw that candle away,
one day
one day.

i have moved on now,
moved on with deep tissue scars.
it's not fair to him
i'm still behind your prison bars.

i have moved on now,
nightmares and anxiety attacks
are horrible souvenirs,
maybe i'll get over this soon, hopefully this year.

i lie when i say
"i breakdown for no reason",
i'm broken because i am remembering that
heartbreak season.

Did you ever hear the tale of the loneliest cigarette?
Bringing short term pleasure to just one man, while simultaneously burning herself away into oblivion, she is selfless.
He'll soon kick her to the kerb and stamp out her embers which she offered to him because it's what she thought he wanted.
When she is gone, he will take another.
*And she will be useless. Lifeless. Unwanted. Replaceable.

I woke up
remembering
how I used to

shut the world

shut myself

shut them all

just so I could
bury you
into my heart's oblivion

That's how lost you
made me feel