if you do decide to leave,
tread slowly, my love and my dear.

give me a chance and room to breathe,
before you walk away
for i do not know when i ever will again.

desolation comes in
with such heedless grace.
please,
allow me to memorize your face
one last time, before you turn away.

i won't ask you to stay this time,
but i'll ask you to hold on,
just for a moment,
one more moment,
before you're truly gone.

let me steal a souvenir,
a memory,
before i set you free.

with you,
so too goes my words,
my letters,
my poetry.

i am not ready to say goodbye.
i will never be ready to say goodbye.

but oh,
even the ink has to dry.

my darling,
there is nothing
i can offer
but what's inside my hollow ribs --
a paper heart filled with words
so endless,
yet
so easily burns.

there were times
when all you needed
was a soft place to fall
and nobody extended
their arms to catch you

but i hoped,
a blackbird would startle
and flap her wings
and bunker further
into her nest
and the sound of her chicks
whispering back to her
was enough to keep you going.

and there were times
when you needed a hand to hold
but all you could grasp
were the shadows,

but then the moon
would pour liquid silver
to light your way
and it was enough
to make you stay.

and then,
there were times
when you were so alone
that the ghosts in your chest
felt more like home
than the people around you,

but your cousin’s laughter
would echo down the halls
enough to suspend your fall

and though you are aching
and though you are breaking
the way all things do

i'd like you to know,
that this life is worth living
in spite of it all.

Hello, my friend,

They say life's what you make it
But I swear, sometimes it feels like
Life's nothing more than a canvas
Painted by every heartache and heartbreak.

You've got these hands that shake like earthquakes,
And a heart that's been through wars
More times than you care to count.

And you don't know if you're a mess or a masterpiece,
'Cause every stroke on this canvas
Feels like it's come from someplace else.

You've got treasures buried deep inside you,
But sometimes they may feel like gilded garbage,
And you can't tell which is which.

You've been to the bottom of the well,
And you've looked the devil in the eye,
And you've come back with nothing but your poetry,
And the rhythm of your aching heart.

Sometimes, my friend, you wonder if you're anything
But depression, and a lifetime of grief,
And you don't know what sets you apart
From the agony that surrounds you.

But even when the strongest souls
Start to lose their fight,
You're still here, reaching for the light.

So if this life is what defines you, then let it be known
That you are a survivor, a warrior, a force to be reckoned with.
You are the sum of every joy and every pain,
And every moment that has brought you here today.

And when the darkness threatens to consume you,
Remember that you are not alone,
For your poetry and your heartbeat
Resonate with so many others who have fought this battle too.

And even though the road ahead may be uncertain,
Take comfort in the fact that you are not your sadness,
You are not your suffering, you are not your mistakes.

You are a masterpiece in progress,
A work of art that is still unfolding,
And your story, your voice, your heart
Are all essential parts of the beauty that is you.

So keep going, my friend,
Keep fighting, keep creating, keep living,
And know that no matter what comes your way,
You are loved, you are valued, and you are enough.

i am falling for a future that isn't mine.
i wish things were simpler.
i wish i could discard and rearrange my thoughts
and not have you at the beginning
and at the end of it all.
i wish it could be that simple.

i know, no matter how hard i tried to envision it,
its a trap.
but, its nice to imagine once in a while, that it could be me.
and that maybe, the Universe, said yes to it all.
wouldn't that be nice?
but its a future, i know i can never have.
its a future that isn't mine.

baby, it is two in the morning
and i have seen every hour
since the beginning of the week.

i no longer sleep,
because there’s nothing left
for me to retain
except for the memories
that ruin me like ghosts
and i am now the building
they haunt.

i am no longer a home,
because home is where the heart is
and mine is where i left it,

in your hands,
broken and fallen apart,
in the spines of books
and the spaces of my letters,
in everything

just so that it isn’t in me anymore.

i can no longer bear it, really.

it is two in the morning,
and the ghosts are stirring
from the shadows of my walls.

i do not miss you at all.

i think.

my friend,
in the morning
the sun might not
reach your floors
but it will still shine
outside.
bright, and blazing
as it always will be.

and the flowers
might not bloom
in time to greet you
but they are growing
and growth takes time

and the coffee
might not be enough
to wake you
from your slumber
but it will belong
in the palms of your hands.

i cannot promise
that life will soften
at any point,
or that the world will be gentle
enough for you to live
without bleeding,

but i can promise
that if you keep breathing,
you stand the chance
to change the life you’re leading
into a future you can call home.
you deserve that life ahead of you.

and even if
you do it all alone
the world is made better
for harboring your heart

that loves all things
life has torn apart
and gives them the peace
they have been dying for.

you are the healing
that comes after the war,
the strength that helps
others rise from their knees.

you are the heartbeat
amidst the suffering,

the humanity itself,
amidst the stone.

it is you who opens the blinds
to let the sunlight in.

it is you who reminds the birds
that it is time to fly again.

and i am sorry,
we could not be the same for you.

i don't blame you,
i'm not an easy fire to hold on to,
the fire i exude is one that burns
to the core.
if its too much, i apologize just this once.
i didn't mean to be too much,
i only wanted to give you warmth,
to set fire in your dying heart,
to help light the path that was dimming ahead of you.
perhaps i can't help you, and that's okay.
perhaps, the only way for you to come back to me,
is to realize the fire that you've started in me,
wasn't something you should be afraid of.

I’ve been having nightmares and mostly about you – the you in the future, the one who’s bound to un-love me anyways, regardless of how well our love story turns out. It pains me to have nightmares about those because I know at one point it will become a reality. In those dreams, its always one and the same, the moment where I lose you, the moment where I have to let you go and the moment where I have to give you up because you’re bound for better things and I am just a moment that passed by.

I’ve been trying not to count the moments I have with you but I can’t help it at times. I feel like every day could be the last and I cannot begin to think of when that day comes. I know I’ll never be ready. I know that these dreams will never get me to be prepared for the biggest nightmare, that is, the day that I lose you.

you don’t need a drink
but you pour it anyways.

you watch as it pools
in the bottom of your glass,
grimace as the ice cubes
clink together in laughter

it is mocking you,
this drink,

your weakness humors it.

you swallow it angrily
hungrily

it bites back at your throat

you scoff at the burn
and smile around its relief.

you don’t need this drink
but you enjoy the penance
that follows,

it almost condones
your sins,

you almost forgive yourself
for your failures.

if you have any words left for me,
let me have them,
let me have them one last time.

i fear that
i cannot walk further without hearing you say
you love me, one last time.
please.
foolish, i know.
why would i voluntarily put myself through the heartache
of hearing you say you love me?
loved me.

if you have anything left for me at all,
let me have it.
let me hear it,
let me see.

even just for a moment.

And oh,
the season of oblivion
ascends like a thief,
swift, silent,
deadly.

a breath in the vast emptiness,
a universe yawning wide
to devour every decibel
a void wide open
engulfing every sound.

And in my dreams, I swear,
your laughter was a revolution,
the earth halted its hustle,
and in that fleeting heartbeat,
there was laughter,
there was a ceasefire,
and we were its sanctuary.

And when I woke,
your absence was a canyon,
a shadow once more,
I fought for air,
fingers trembling for solidity.

I faced my shadows,
whispered, "Not now, not now,"
and cast them further into the abyss.

I anchored myself to this planet,
stood, knees quaking like fault lines.
I moved,
with a heart dense as a dying star,
and I stumbled into oblivion,
oblivion,
oblivion,

conceding that all we've amassed in the end,
signified
nothing after all.

if there's one thing i'm sure of
it is that
i will always be waiting,
and
if there's one thing everyone around me is sure of
is that
you will never come,
but that has never stopped me,
no one has ever stopped me,
and i fear i'll never be able to stop myself.

i am a running wraith,
your unwanted apparition,
the phantom that relentlessly
walks the lonely road,
and you are the home,
I killed myself to haunt.

you are the ghost,
and i am now the home that you are haunting
to this day.

i am all empty and quiet,
the wreckage,
devoid of sunlight.

i still keep you
as if it serves a purpose

i am not hollow
if i nurture you,
if i allow you to linger
amidst the darkness.

there will be no healing,
no rebuilding.

i cannot make a home
out of a ruin.

but perhaps,
i can make a grave
and bury in it
all the memories of you i’ve saved
as if they were a lifeline
to the time
when you were still here,
and i was still there with you

and i can stay forever
with you

you weren't satisfied with my smile,
and the way i liked to laugh and grin
at every little thing you do,
so you took it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my eyes,
the ones that always found a way to stare into your face,
and most importantly to your own brown eyes,
so you took my gaze with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my kisses,
the ones that were always hungry,
but needed spaces in between,
so i can kiss you in places you didn't need,
so you took that to hell with you as well.

you weren't satisfied with my words,
the ones that assured you that i will be here
no matter the cost,
no matter the pain,
because you didn't really hear it.
its not from who you need it.
so you threw that away, and didn't really take it with you.

you weren't satisfied with my actions,
the ones that screamed of love
and defied all rules and enclosures.
everything i did,
it was not for me to be loved back,
but for you to feel that someone out there cared.
you took all that anyway,
and decided it was time to leave, halfway.

i took only a piece of your heart
and made a mess of things

and all that followed
was a wreckage

i had meant for us to heal
and instead,
i carved deeper wounds

please forgive me
for my transgressions.

i did not know how to love you,
i was even worse at losing you

my sweet darling,
this is my confession to you --
to not be with you
to not go out and look for you
is the most difficult challenge
and the hardest form of love
i will ever do.

i lost the other half of my self within you
and i have not been able to get it back
ever since
you and  i
fell apart.

i know you do not want me to seek for you
i know you want me to let you go
and i have, in all the ways i can
but my heart cannot,
my mind cannot set you free
for i bound myself to you and only you
for ages to last.

and though some days i attempt to unchain myself,
it is you,
ultimately,
only you,
and your love --
that can set me free.


if you choose to love me right this time,
and destiny decides to tear us apart,
then i will know --
i shall know,
that you've set me free,
the universe and you,
have set me free.

our exchanges have been magical,
you and i.

i'd like to gather all the moments we've had so far --
even the ones we shared in silence  
and lay it out for us to be wrapped in them.
the feeling of being surrounded by even just the sound of your voice soothes me,
and that is enchanting for me.

perhaps i'm caught in a spell,
the incantation, however is nonexistent as i
simply see you for what you are
and i am truly delighted,
ecstatic,
and overflowing.

perhaps its not a trick,
not an allure,
and definitely not a spell.
perhaps its me finally falling for the magic,
the hearth,  
not the witch.

darling, crossing paths with you was like seeing fire for the first time --
ablaze and ardent and truly unprecedented.

maybe i’m no longer suffering.
maybe this is just the after shock.
maybe, i don’t miss you anymore.
maybe i’m just experiencing what’s left of me
maybe, it isn’t supposed to be like this.
its been while but i still feel the same.
and maybe its because of you.

i asked into the oblivion,
"when will the pain subside?"
i suppose it was foolish of me to think
an answer would present itself,
that a voice will come out and say,
"soon, after you've felt all that is there to feel,"
i want to shout into the void how tired i am,
how much i want the very memory of you to go away.
but i know myself,
i know that even if i wanted to,
i couldn't.
i can't.
and i won't forget about you.

i wrote this poem
before I even knew the words
that i wanted to convey to you

that is how beautiful
you are to me -

you give purpose
to fifteen letters,

you give reason
for broken lines,

you give hope
to this poet

that maybe one day
i can write you

in all the ways
you deserve.

and love you,
in all ways you
want and need.

i didn't really quantify to anything,
did i?
i was just a tool,
an object,
a ship that passed by,
eventually harboring affections for you,
a bridge to help you cross the stream of your tears.

somewhere along the way,
you realized,
you liked drowning.
the lines everywhere blurred.
you liked where the tears were coming from,
never mind the sturdiness
and stability i offered,
you still wanted to drown.
you didn't take my hand,
and you don't want to be saved.


not by me anyway.

you are an entire symphony all on your own
and i'm hoping to be granted a
chance to be a measure
a movement
in the music
that is you

and oh, i'm sorry.
its all coming back again,
the sorrow
the hurting
the caving in

as if i was a monument
that still had a long way to fall,

as if i had not already
lost it all
to the fissures
that broke beneath my skin.

i am no longer the moss-lined ruin
where the sun still meets
the stone,

i am sharp, i am broken,
with dark bruised bones
that would definitely crumble
beneath the touch of your hand.

but i will still leave
a wound that bleeds you
right where you stand.

that is the price
of loving me.

to be haunted by the memory
of everything i used to be
and everything that i became
and will be.

not even the ghosts
dare to whisper my name
because of the way
it disturbs the hall.

there is a reason
the demons
are best left sleeping
beneath the walls.

but oh, i'm sorry,
it all comes back again,
the sorrow,
the hurting,
the caving in

as if i still had something
left to lose.

the ghosts,
my ghosts
bow their heads to you
as you slowly take your leave.

take one last look at me
before you go.

do not flinch as the shadows
fold me away from your view.

there is nothing left here
for me to turn back to,
and for you to return to.

as I sat down one day,
I tried to remember you,
to think of you,
to write about you.
I could not form the words that I wanted to say --
the words I wanted you to hear
the words I wanted you to see.

as I sat down one day,
I heard your laugh at the edge of my ears,
I saw the flash of your smile from the corner of my eyes,
I smelled the scent of your hair from the tip of my nose.

I wish I never sat down that one day.
Sadness was what it brought me,
for I can only remember the good in you,
and
I
still
can't
find
myself
for I am lost in the worst part of you.

as I sat down one day,
I remembered,
I disintegrated.

Perhaps one day I’ll understand why we were never made to last.
Perhaps one day I’ll get used to the idea that you were never the one.
I know in some corners of my mind, I still hope you are but maybe I’m just in love with the memory of you — the perfect you.
But, I’m hoping maybe one day I’ll grow weary of waiting.
Perhaps, one day I’ll finally
be able to say I have let myself go
from voluntarily shackling myself
in your hand that was long gone.

i'm sorry if you're burdened by what i feel.
this is not your fault.
you didn't ask to be cared for,
and you didn't need anyone to be mindful of you.

but,
here i am --
for you,
and there you are --
for me,
for now.

i'm sorry for the weight i've put in your hands.
i promise to take it away, as soon as i can.
i know you don't need what i have for you,
and i know you won't ever want, what i can be for you.

but,
here i will still be for you,
and one day, you won't.

and that's okay,
that's okay.

she is so lucky to have had you,
and to still have you
the you before you were hurt,
the you that
loved
and
trusted like nobody's business.
will you trust me too?
or will you believe me to be a fool?

your kisses are made of heaven
and you somehow made me forget about
all the other kisses i have ever had

ever since your lips laid on mine
i could not stop thinking about it
and how i wish
it will always find its way to my lips
again and again
until you finally whisper that
you love me.

i once swore on dew filled grass
i would not dare
to make that sin.
but
for you, I did.
for you, I huffed
and puffed
for you, I crossed the line.


as you ignited the devil in me,
my old self felt betrayed
for it was
a promise --
a promise to myself
but
some promises are indeed
made to be broken

if there's one thing i am sure of
however,
it is that,
i'm willing to let go of my inhibitions
my worries,
retired promises,
for us.

you are the sin,
the mischief i've managed
the glorious forbidden
lady of my life.

once in a while,
love changes form
it turns from a sweet sunrise
to a sad sunset
a beautiful love song
to a melancholic tune
and though love hurts
when it changes forms
love will always be love
through the rain and fire
love prevails the change in intensity
and that's what I learned the day I learned
to let my anger,
go.

i believe,
even the stars
get tired.

when the night sky
had folded them away
back into the darkness

and the moon,
that lonesome thing,
has doused itself in shadows.

so will you too, my friend
shy away from the light
as if it would burn
if it reached you.

maybe you feel,
you just are not strong enough
to face the day.

that the midnight hour
is a broken thing

and oh, the silence
is deafening.

and you and i know, even the stars
are tired.

you mourn for them
as their light expires.

there are so many questions that i need answers to.
questions that i cannot ask you,
nor anyone but myself.
why do you shed tears?
you let out more than a sob that night as i stayed by your side
when she acknowledged how beautiful you loved her.
you, a wonderful being when loved and when you love.
why must you suffer?
you let out another wail, and i wished i could take away the pain.
i wished, with all my might that you will believe me as i whispered,
"you'll be okay, it's okay"
tell me, did you believe it?
i meant it, dearly.

my friend,

if you were afraid
of dying alone

of having lived
without purpose

of staying
of leaving

without anyone
to recall your name,

rest easy, rest easy,
rest easy.

we will remember you,
i will remember you.

the past few days have been nothing but haunting,
its as if every memory that i once cherished --
every detail of your face,
comes back to me,
mocking me,
taunting me to keep going.
i'm looking for the answer, but the question is
all but a mystery to me.
what is it i'm trying to ask?
am i asking for you?
am i asking what went wrong?
or am i asking for what the meaning of everything was?
nothing makes sense even if i was so sure,
i was ready to get lost in you.
to lose for you.
nothing could have prepared me for everything that stands
before me -- between you and i.
and i know, even if you tried,
you couldn't care for me,
the way i care for you.

i'm done trying to get you.
every unresolved question
needs no further answer
when you chose to retaliate in anger.

i'm done trying to ask why,
knowing you will never try.
i won't ever come close
to a realization,
a full circle with you.

i'm done playing these games
i should have never started.
i anticipated losing,
yet i never expected it to feel this,
defeated.

i'm done letting myself burn for you.
you set me free
with a flaming tongue
and for that i will be grateful,
and disappointed.

i saw something in you,
and i still do,
but i'm done trying to get you.

the last few days have felt like a lifetime
i never thought we would come to this point.
but then again, when had we ever come to face regret if not the end?
so while i sit here,
wondering how i can turn back time,
i also think,
to when will turn it back to?
i don't know the exact moment when i lost you,
i don't know how long you have felt the agony,
how long you have allowed yourself to drift from,
how long ago did you decide to start unloving me?
it seems a bit unfair,
to have such a head start.
perhaps you are nearly there,
to the point where you wanted to be.
and i am still stuck on this road,
unable to see,
carrying my own weight,
and all the excess and the very love i had for you,
that which you chose to part with.
tell me, my love.
was it easy?
because it honestly felt like it.
i felt like it was all too easy for you to just cast me aside,
like a match you no longer want to hold.
like a candle that no longer served its purpose,
and like a fire that no longer incinerated you.
and all the while,
i thought we could make it.
all this time,
i thought our love could take it.
how foolish was i to believe that once again,
perhaps,
this one would be different.
that i will not be left in the dust,
the minute things get hard.
that i will not stand in the darkness once again,
alone and lost
because i've shed every bit of light that i had for you.
and now i walk alone again,
wondering,
where do i run back to?

there are so many secrets,
so many things still hidden,
underneath the skin from which you hide.
that even after you revealed so many details
about yourself,
your past, present,
and future,
i still clamor for more.

i hope to unravel,
every part of you,
in time.

i hope to know you more,
because i am drawn,
to every piece you divulge,
even the ones that you hate.

i like what you show me,
and i love even that which you hide.

so confess,
impart,
unfold.

i know,
i know.
the weight of my soul
is much too heavy to hold.

my spirit sinks beneath my bones
as it pulls me down,
further,
deeper,
i drown,
i drown
i drown.

forgive me if my name comes with so much weight,
that perhaps it makes you hesitate
before you inhale,
and breathe.

and my darling dear, i mourn.
i grieve, every time my name leaves you weak,
fallen, and on your knees.

my heart was meant to love you,
but instead,
i hurt you.
and my ghost built a home in your head,
and destroyed whatever was left.

i regret it fully, my sweet,
oh how i regret it.

i was much too selfish
to set you free.
so i took you in my arms
and you drowned with me.

knowing the flame would burn,
did not stop me from reaching out,
hoping it would only sting a little.
the flame did not burn,
as painful as i thought it would,
but it spread within me,
and it is coursing through my veins.
the flame,
that is...you,
even this confusing part of you,
has already made it under my skin.
its futile to tell me to go,
to stop,
for i have already begun to feel
dangerous things for you,
even if the odds are against
the favor of this.

its the break of dawn
and the colors of the sky,
reminds me of our time together.
it was when you captured
my heart,
and my soul.

its the break of dawn
and there is stillness in everything.
the light slowly creeping in,
taking over the darkness,
reminds me of the time,
you put your head on my shoulder
and i felt the happiest.
it was a moment i was positive,
time moved slowly.
my lack of movement
was not because i was frozen
but because time stood still for me.
you willingly closed the distance between us,
making me yours, unknowingly.

its the break of dawn again,
and here i am, still awake at this very hour,
trying to forget,
trying to disassociate you from everything.
because when the light finally touches my face,
i remember that you're gone and
it won't ever be like it was before the light.

its the break of dawn,
and my heart is broken.

some days I wished for things
that just can't be
some days I yearn for your realizations
some days I want to be your only star
but those are the days where I completely agonize myself
from foolishness
from selfishness
and in my despair
I found rationalization
that some things are not meant to be thought,
said
or done
but only on some days.

only you can make someone as logical and smart as i,
believe in a futile scenario.
the probability of you,
running towards me,
giving us a chance,
is as much odds i have of being in space
during my lifetime.

you see,
i've never dreamt of being an astronaut,
or had a fleeting thought unto seeing the wonders of the galaxy.
however, that changed with you.
now, all i can think of
are all the infinite ways i can swear
the universe,
the stars and all its might,
are playing a role in this
and how i want to see what's beyond this world,
to justify how i feel like you are a wonder,
more than the moon, stars and the sun combined.

i can probably describe to you how the moon shined
so much brighter during the nights i spent up speaking to you or
i could explain to you why the stars feel like they're finally aligning,
and on the day i finally see you,
it will have aligned to lock us in an embrace
that will cause any stars and cosmos to pale in comparison
to the explosions in the sky we will produce.

the stars,
that which i mocked, saying
"i'll never believe in something predestined,"
and indeed it was something i never quite believed in,
until you.
it had to be you.

my friend,
you belong to the sun, I say.
come to the light,
and bask in the goodness of life
in all its beauty and colors.

but you stay in your corner,
and tell me,
but I cannot outgrow my suffering

you could not hold love
without destroying it,
piece by piece
attacking it at its wake .

you tell me you are nothing without your despair
you are at home in the wreckage
and that perhaps,
you belong in all the messes you have made.

your peace only comes when your memory starts to fade,
and the ghosts of your past return to their graves.

you've never seen yourself as someone that could be saved,
for you have surrendered yourself
and have fallen on your knees, arms to your side
begging to be taken away.

you tell me to understand when you say,
there is nothing worth fighting for left in me

and i do, my friend.

i know you struggle to tell yourself that you belong in the sun,
in the light, and deserve all the good things in life

but i also know you do not feel at home in the garden.
you are their loss,
you belong in the wilting.

darling, no,
the coffee
won’t keep you and i
awake

and the breakfast you just had,
will not fill you.

the sun itself will still shine
but it will not reach
your floors

and the moon
will not win
over the shadows.

it will be striking silence
that greets you
when you make it outside,

and you will find,
the world still turns
without you.

and you'll know that if you love,
sometimes,
you will lose.

prayers will fall
on deafened ears,

no hands will rise
to dry your tears

and life
will keep marching on.

it does not end
when you are gone.

but wait, darling,
a moment,
before you leave.

do not abandon me
to grieve,

do not leave me behind.

because even though the world
might be fine
and all the stars
will still inevitably,
shine,

i cannot attest
to what will be left
of mine.

it is you who have kept
the beats in my chest
and finally,
gave my soul a home.

i know,
i cannot possibly do this
on my own

so stay,
i beg of you,
please stay,
with me.

baby,
without you,
there is no poetry.

stop saying you're miserable
because you don't know misery
it hasn't landed on your doors
nor has it ever been on your feet.

misery is a concept you're trying so hard to get to
and you destroy people to get to it
you cause misery
you are misery to people
but you will never feel misery
nor will you be able to claim
you're in misery
because misery is only for the good

i had a good day,
and in some, nay, most of those moments,
i couldn't help but think of how we used to be,
and how we would be,
if you were there walking beside me.

how do i escape what's in my head?
how do i free myself from the voluntary shackles i've put in my hands?
how do i retrieve the keys that i've allowed you to swallow unknowingly?

tell me,
how exactly do i walk away from all that's been said and done between the two of us?

my darling, my sunshine
you are to me
what the rain does
to wilted things.

you pour unto my cracks
scour across my hollows
and you fill them instead
with a selfless abundance of love

how fragile I was
before meeting you,

how resilient i am becoming,
in order to keep you.

i am more tree now
than weedling,

more flower
than thorn.

i am beautiful
for loving you,
and for continuing to love you.

and i know
i will be stronger
for having you by my side.