I remember a year ago
like it was last night
and I was searching our empty fridge
for anything to fill the void I could
barely identify
I worked out for hours
and negated progress with
entire boxes of granola bars
and laying in bed for days
man, I remember like it was yesterday
but I forgot how much, in that time
I have changed

A year ago I begged for a reason to stay
Today, I create it every day
I talk to God in new and scary ways
A year ago, fear plagued my mind,
Today, I value time
for what it brings me in the form of healing
though it does not always look like so,
but, oh,
how I have changed

A year ago, my tank was empty and I was jaded
today, I fuel my body and am thankful
that with each choice I make from sunrise to set,
I can mold my life and make myself the best,

or better than I was a year ago, at least

Some days are harder than others. I look in the mirror and count my flaws one by one. The voice in my head tells me I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but sometimes I'm tempted to give in. It's such a struggle to not drown in everyone's expectations of what I'm supposed to be. I constantly reassure myself that it's okay, the only expectations I have to live up to are my own. I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I have a big heart. I tell myself these things over and over just to remind myself that my worth isn't based on the recognition of another person. I will always have value regardless of who chooses to recognize it.

Today, I will look in the mirror and tell myself how much I love her. Instead of picking myself apart and counting my flaws, I will look to the things that make me beautiful. The thick eyebrows that frame my face. The eyes that twinkle when I talk about something I love. The thighs I've earned from running hard and long miles. My ability to always love again despite the pain. We get so wrapped up in trying to be what others want us to be that we neglect what is already there.

I want you to fall in love with yourself this year, flaws and all. Find a reason to love the part of yourself that you hate the most. It's nice to be loved by others but it's even nicer to be loved by yourself. Embrace yourself. That voice in your head that tells you that you aren't good enough is wrong. You have always been enough.

**The journey to self love isn't an easy one but it sure is one of the most important ones you'll experience.

Silence is not always absence of noise.
Sometimes it's just presence of noise shut inside.

~JasB

Your as lively as a brick
And cold as ice.
Your clock no longer ticks,
For your time has run out.
Your  forced to wonder about
For all eternity,
But here you can find a friend in me.
I cannot take you above or below,
but here you shall stay.
You always are the same.
Never older, nor younger.
You never tire, nor hunger.
I can always find you in this place,
the place with the stones,
one stone in particular, lies what's left of you.
Your soul and bones.

They hauled me off to jail and got an ambulance for the guy in the alley. I was booked for assault and battery, robbery, and a few assorted charges thrown in for good measure. It wasn't the first time I had been arrested, so I knew the cops weren't going to believe anything I had to say, especially if I used the word, "innocent." So I stewed in jail for a couple days, until just before my arraignment, when I got to meet the lawyer they had assigned to me. She looked capable enough, but I didn't think she had any time to look into my case, so I asked her if the cops had logged any of the money I supposedly stole into evidence. She asked me "Why?," so I told her it would make the cops look ***** if I actually stole some money and none of it got turned in. But then she said that the guy in the alley had told the cops it wasn't me, but some other guys that beat him up, and he refused to press charges against me anyway, so she could get my case dismissed.

     After I got released, I spent a few days tending to my needs and was lying on the floor next to my fridgette when my mind fuzzed slowly into focus. I was staring at something I couldn't quite make out when I realized it was my reflection on a tequila bottle sitting right next to my face. It was empty, so I pushed it away, and the roaring sound it made as it rolled across the floor felt like a jet plane was landing on my head. That got me up and I got some ice and put it in the sink, which I filled with cold water, and then with my aching head. I didn't feel anything at first, but all of a sudden I felt like I stuck my head in a light socket and it was being soaked and set on fire at the same time. My first reaction was to pull my head up, but I needed that icy water to stop the hurt in my skull, so I grabbed the counter real hard and forced my head back in the sink. My eyes opened wide and I kinda made a blubbering sound as I shook my head from side to side and bubbles flew out my mouth. Then I tried to come up for air, but my shoulder got snagged by the faucet and I started to swallow some water. That got me panicking a bit and I started bouncing around trying to find a way to breathe, until my knees buckled and then I kinda slid out of that sink and onto the floor.

     I coughed and ****** wind for a time, and then I just lay back, spread my arms and closed my eyes. It felt real soothing somehow, like all the fight and pain were draining away, and I just lay there, as if I was floating on a pool of warm Kentucky sunshine. And then I remembered the guy in the alley and how he let me go, both my throat and the police. My lawyer had learned a little bit about him and told me he was a corporal in the Marines, served three tours in Iraq, been awarded some medals, and his name was James Mitchell. She didn't know what he was doing in town or where he was from, but that he had been hurt pretty bad and would be in the hospital for a while. I was feeling a bit curious, and kinda in his debt somehow, so I got up to go see if he was still around.