I've been building tree forts in vacant chests but the foundation is always too wary for them to last

you won't understand me when I say "my eyes are heavy" but I mean I haven't slept in 6 days because I keep hearing your car keys crash against the concrete

when I say "I'll be fine" what I really mean is I'll be dead before it's over and right now it feels like you're clenching your fist inside my chest and everything's going cold

tell me about all the time you spent rearranging the furniture afraid of the silence being more comfortable than your duvet

the hardest part was realizing I still loved you. I spent months washing you out with bottles of whisky and could still taste your chapstick on my tongue. somehow the burning in my throat wasn't the liquor but it was your name reaching for a way out. maybe it came from the way that I noticed your socks weren't matching and your eyes were dark with circles again. it never made sense to me, you never made sense to me. I could go days without a smoke but the second I heard your name I was half way through a dart that smelt just like you. no matter how many packs I bought each smelled more and more like you than the last, the sweet pine you carried so ******* well. I tried sleeping with my socks on but couldn't bare it. you couldn't stand your socks on. I couldn't stand to ******* breathe because it kept reminding me of the soft hum that leaves your chest when you're asleep. you were my second love but my first real love and I can't get away from you. you're in every ******* light bulb and coffee mug, how am I supposed to move on when you won't let me stop loving you in the first place? I've found you in every new lover I've tried out and maybe that's why each night is more lonely than the last. you have her open legs and I have an open casket but we always knew you had a thing for a quick fix.

I told you I didn't trust myself to be alone the day you made me watch you leave through the screen door. maybe it was the night terrors or maybe it was the mediocre birthday cakes, but you never thought I was worth enough to explain. I laid on my bathroom floor for 6 days straight the following week. I didn't cry over you, don't worry. but I definitely didn't bother to eat over you, either. I stopped showering for the most part and only drank whiskey. I forgot to pay the electric bill and screamed for hours in the dark on my own hoping you'd show up to fix it. you didn't. I think I realized you were really gone when your mom stopped calling to see how I was 'holding up'. when our friends stopped inviting me to the parties to save you the awkward encounter. it took me 3 months to throw away your old clothes I was sleeping in. I'd be lying if I said I dumped them all, you know how much I loved that crew neck sweatshirt from Chicago. but, I shed as much of you as I could bare. I washed the sheets for the first time 2 weeks after that. I cried the whole time and couldn't sleep in the bed for days because it didn't smell like you anymore. it's been almost 6 months and I'm doing better. I changed our voice mail and took down your photos. I stopped waking up in a sweat with your name stuck between my teeth. I've started to drive again. since you walked out that screen door I realized it's not that I can't trust myself alone, it's that I always thought you were what made me better and ******* was I wrong.

for the first time in two years I didn't wake up screaming your name. it still sounded more like a plea for help than a confessional. it was somewhere between "not again" and "don't do this". but it wasn't you. it wasn't the sound of your sweater. it wasn't the smell of your favourite song. it wasn't the taste of your voice. it wasn't you. I'm sure your laughter still lingers on my lips looking for a way out. I knew the day you replaced my bed with hers I'd break. I knew you'd shatter me like your dad's car window. you'd leave me on the cold cement for someone else to clean up. you were always so obsessed with car wrecks it finally makes sense why you were so fixated on me. but why did you choose her? is it the way she can pick her cereal without crying? or is it because you don't have to hide all the knives in the house when she's having a bad day? you knew I was a ******* crime scene when you met me yet you still tore down my yellow caution tape. for the first time in 2 years I didn't wake up screaming your name because I know she already is.