I am still so in love with the person I thought you could be that I forgot to fall in love with who I've become without you.

I have been so mind numbingly lost between the static in this room that I've forgotten what your voice felt like. searching for the promises you buried in your pillow before I try to get out of bed every morning, I've forgotten what your hands sounded like. but, like broken glass on soft feet I walked recklessly into a fight I could never win with you. you were always stubborn and selfish. I spent years searching for reasons you couldn't love me in boys that swore they did and only ever came up with me loving you too much. I loved you too much I suffocated you with 3am drunken phone calls and 6am good morning texts. I loved you too much with surprise lunches and coffees when you're home alone. I loved you too much with poems and songs that have your name written on every page. I have been so whole heartedly consumed in your dark eyes I forgot how light your hair looks in the sun. I sold the devil my soul knowing **** well you never wanted me at all. but god knows I will always ******* want you.

I was raised to be titanium; sturdy steel surrounding a soft body, but no one ever told me titanium sinks.

I still remember the first time I ever fell asleep in your bed. every time I opened my eyes I saw your lips slowly part and your eyelashes flutter and I swore you were the most beautiful art piece I had ever seen. we spent the entire night high off of infinities only pills could promise, watching the world around us swirl into galaxies I had spent hours telling you about. we smoked two packs that night and after every one I swore it was my last. every time I outlined your lips I swore it'd be my last taste. every time I laced our fingers I swore it'd be the last time. every time I put my hands in your hair I swore it'd be different. 8 months later and I can still taste you when I smoke my cigarettes and I still see you through the clear capsules. I can still remember what it felt like to wake up to your grumbly hello and how nothing will ever quite compare. I still remember the first time I ever fell asleep in your bed. every time I opened my eyes I realized I'd never love another human being like I do, you. do you remember?

graveyards have started to feel a hell of a lot more like home than this god forsaken house ever could. it's easier to sit in front of strange graves in beds of grass and weeds than even consider looking at the empty space where your shoes used to block the doorway, where you turned our welcome mat into an ashtray. the comfort I find in headstones from people I'll never know is nothing compared to how I felt pressed against your chest listening to your own voice boom within your ribcage; shaking the walls with every consonant you let escape your mouth. the overwhelming sound of silence across the grounds is all that I can hear in my hallway now that your laughter isn't lingering between the wallpaper and drywall. I swear to god I hear wilting pedals from forgotten bouquets the second my ear touches my **** pillow every night, I miss your snoring. I've found sick comfort in the way the grass is welcoming and forgiving, the way it happily took every poem I wrote about you and decayed them into the earth beneath it. I've left every trace of you I had at that ******* graveyard but I still can't bear to wash my sheets. I'm as good as dead to you and maybe that's why I've found a home 6 feet under every word I've bled out in your name rather than in this house and body you abandoned.

If I ever get the chance to love you forever I promise you I will do it to my greatest capacity. I promise to listen to you when you get so invested in conversation you ramble for hours. I promise to accept you when you're being stubborn, and fight you when you're wrong. I promise to learn how to make your favourite meals from your mother, I know her cooking will always be your favourite. I promise to find every freckle on your body. I will kiss every single one. I promise to always say see you later rather than goodbye. I promise to protect you from heartache to the best of my ability. Actually, I promise to help you through heartache when it comes our way. You'll never be alone. I promise to kiss you when you first wake up even though we both know you get smelly. I promise to be your biggest fan and greatest supporter. I promise to scratch your back and pop your back pimples. I promise to watch your favourite television show even if I could honestly care less. I really don't care about zombies. I promise to never let us become your parents. I promise to never let you be like your father. I promise to never let you be like my father. I promise to be the best mother if you let me. I promise to tuck you in when you're drunk and give you water and Advil when you're hungover. I promise to be your home. I promise to make our house as home-y as possible. I promise to race you up the stairs. I promise to keep myself positive. I promise to let you pick me up when it feels like I can't do it myself. I promise to laugh at your baby photos with your sister and to talk to your father about his hobbies. I promise to make fun of you for being a mama's boy. I promise to love you for it, too. I promise to love you with every bone and muscle in my body. I promise to love you more than I did the day before. I promise to love you and love you and love you and lo

the devil has never been a red bodied monster with bull horns and the tail of a scorpion. the devil is a brown eyed boy who introduces himself to your father with a firm shake and a promise to keep you safe. he'll spill his guts onto your kitchen floor promising he's never told anyone else what he's shared with you. a few months in you'll meet his mother and she'll tell you how happy she is that he has found someone to keep him honest. you'll believe her when she says he's never talked about someone the way he has talked about you. you'll tell her you care about him and she'll say she knows. in the summer he'll tell you he loves you and he can't imagine his life without you. he'll joke about where you'll both be when you're 45, living in the suburbs with steady jobs and a couple of kids. you'll hope he means with him. he'll talk about the future like its so obvious he'll be a part of yours, like you have no reason to doubt him. fall will come around again and the leaves will change. he'll stop calling as often. the rain will relentlessly fall onto the streets. he'll stop coming by your house. the temperature will drop and rain will turn to snow and soon enough you'll have burned every poem you've ever written for him. you'll remember the night you almost sent him your suicide note but instead of being scared you felt bad for betraying him. february will come around and you'll try to remember the sound of his voice when he first wakes up but you can never imagine it just right. your parents will forget his name and his mom will stop telling you how she misses having you around the house and how his dog has been wondering where you've been. she'll tell you he hasn't been the same lately but you don't try to believe her. the seasons will change and months will pass and he'll forget your name and break every ******* promise he swore he could keep and ******* will it hurt.