the calm synth exhales.
i close my eyes as the rumble of the wheels turn.
palms face up on my lap, i pray.

señor, cuídame en este viaje.
estás conmigo.
inhala; exhala.

my stomach dips with the beat,
the bass picks up & so do we,
right on cue in perfect harmony.

i’m not scared of flying.
i found a peace in that moment
where the song, the sky & my soul
snapped into sync so smoothly
that i sighed in serenity.

i’m not scared of flying,
but sometimes of where i’m going,
& of what lies ahead.

but let me have this moment,
where daniel & kali
soar through the clouds with me,
where everything seems to click.

let me breathe,
despite the lack of oxygen outside.
& save a seat for Him.

~ pilot of life, perfect attendant & guiding wind.

you didn’t say the wrong thing you just said it to the wrong person.

~ naomi joseph.

soy profesional en fingir que estoy bien.
incluso empecé a creerlo.
miento al espejo. los cristalitos se caen;
cortan mi piel & la sangre se derrama de mis ojos.

~ autolesión.

mirrors always seem to shatter my heart. their sharp shards would draw out the blood.

~ mirror beauty.

he sings:
all he wants is nothing more
than to hear her knocking at his door.

& all i want is nothing more
than to be the one opening up my own.

she walks through streets of calmed anxiety,
a technique she has nailed into closed doors.

tranced, coffee sipping, malamente listening;
she lives in her mind for the hours she has to rest.

the summer soars; the light winds are for
whisking away the days til she returns.

though today she practices for the worser days,
she can’t help but realise these are more than okay.

in english we say i miss you,
like the person you seek comfort from
is nowhere near.
in french they say tu me manques,
like that person
is literally missing
from you.

what i’m trying to say is:
te echo de menos.

you’re not here in my circle of proximity.
you’re too far away to hold close
or kiss,
or even meet for a walk & a talk.

& maybe it’s selfish
or silly
but i find myself  
daydreaming
of you
or how you make me feel

when you embrace me & my being;
talk softly to me & laugh with me;
walk calmly near me
& search for answers in my eyes  

or on my lips.  

we’ll always be friends.
but i think you’ll be that friend
where i feel something more.

safe & calm;
happy & warm;
soft & blissful.

& while i can feel those things
with my friends & family,
it grows differently with you:

a gentle glow of light  
in the depth of my soul,
kindled with every touch;
every word;
every look;
every smile;
every inhale of your cologne.

i hope it never dies out.

i used to question:  
what if it’s just the idea
of you
that i miss
& the short time we spent together
that i relive in my mind?

but i know it’s not just an idea.
because if it was, i would want that  
with anyone who piqued my interest.

but it is listening to music with you
& sipping cider in busy bars with you
& sitting on cold benches conversing with you
& lying breathing with you
& how did it get to this,
when surely you don’t feel the same?

i could see it,  
& maybe you could.
but maybe that terrified you,
or made you think more than you should.

pero que será, será; whatever will be, will be.
the Lord will have his way,
& it’s okay to feel,  
come what may.

so is this simply a nebulous picture
that i once dreamt up on a train?

no, it is you.

i
    m i s s
                  you.