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Jul 2019 · 208
untitled.
samara lael Jul 2019
oh, nobody knows
the things in my soul,
the things that i hold

& oh, nobody sees
the things in my dreams,
the things that i keep.

~ stigma.
Jul 2019 · 199
familia.
samara lael Jul 2019
there’s something about familia
that makes me sigh.
the warm glow of a hug;
the cheeky wink of an eye.

there’s something about familia
that makes me cry.
the pain of passing;
the tests set for us to try.

but with the unexpected & emotion
whether biological or chosen,
familia is familiarity; home; connection
& this i cherish with the deepest of affection.
Jul 2019 · 318
paraísos opuestos.
samara lael Jul 2019
quiero traerte a mi país,
y enseñarte lo que me hace feliz.
quiero llevarte a los bares bonitos
donde cantan y arman jaleo.
quiero pasar por debajo
de las pérgolas preciosas del parque
con mis manos colgando
de donde dobla tu brazo.
quiero llevarte a la iglesia  
y bailar y alabar contigo.

pero lamento
que no será posible.
es solamente un sueño
que veo yo solita.
porque tú estás pensando
en tu propio paraíso
y no creo que me incluya.
si no, me lo dirías.
duele querer algo con
alguien que no desea lo mismo.

duele  
ver alguien tan cerca de ti
que piensa que estás  
demasiado lejos de él.
no sé cómo la gente lo hacen  
cuando se enamoran  
en otro país.
la mente se queja,  
el corazón lamenta,  
y el alma llora del dolor.
the ache that longing brings lingers close around you.
Jul 2019 · 416
lassie basher.
samara lael Jul 2019
boys are taught not to hit girls
but they will cause
even more damage
emotionally.

it’s like you’re saying
that boys are punching bags
& that girls are dart boards
to fire words at
& to **** & poke.

teach our young equally.
teach them how to love,
not who not to fight.
teach them how to speak
truth & kindness,
not what not to say.

teach them to pour
sweet nurturing nectar
from their souls.

& the next time
you shame a man
for defending himself
against a woman
who attacks him,
or let a man get away
with his pride of
not harming a woman
with his hands
when you see he does it
with his tongue
or mind instead,
remind yourself
of your duty to
lead the next generation.
remind yourself of
how everyone should be
treated.
& loved.
& cared for.
& protected.

if i have children
i will teach them
that violence
is damaging
& not becoming
of a human being.

it doesn't matter
whether it's physical
or emotional,
whether they are
a boy or a girl.
it is never okay
to hurt someone.

not all bruises are purple;
not all words are audible.
lassie basher: scottish slang for a male who hits a female. i would hear this growing up as the reason for why boys couldn't defend themselves or play fight with girls as kids. it annoyed me because the reason should be because violence is wrong, not because we are female.
Jul 2019 · 203
untitled.
samara lael Jul 2019
the way you cross my mind like your swinging in time
to the sound of harmonies in tune with mine.

~ swing dancing.
Jul 2019 · 164
untitled.
samara lael Jul 2019
use your brush
whether it be cracked or stained.
use it to paint a picture
that shows people why
they are made.

use it to write the words
that went unspoken.
use it to keep your mind
from swirling murky clouds
making you broken.  

paint me a picture
to explore what you do;
not for me to judge
but to admire what  
the Lord has poured into you.

~ share your gifts.
Jul 2019 · 546
untitled.
samara lael Jul 2019
the calm synth exhales.
i close my eyes as the rumble of the wheels turn.
palms face up on my lap, i pray.

señor, cuídame en este viaje.
estás conmigo.
inhala; exhala.

my stomach dips with the beat,
the bass picks up & so do we,
right on cue in perfect harmony.

i’m not scared of flying.
i found a peace in that moment
where the song, the sky & my soul
snapped into sync so smoothly
that i sighed in serenity.

i’m not scared of flying,
but sometimes of where i’m going,
& of what lies ahead.

but let me have this moment,
where daniel & kali
soar through the clouds with me,
where everything seems to click.

let me breathe,
despite the lack of oxygen outside.
& save a seat for Him.

~ pilot of life, perfect attendant & guiding wind.
Jul 2019 · 65
untitled.
samara lael Jul 2019
you didn’t say the wrong thing you just said it to the wrong person.

~ naomi joseph.
Jul 2019 · 58
untitled.
samara lael Jul 2019
soy profesional en fingir que estoy bien.
incluso empecé a creerlo.
miento al espejo. los cristalitos se caen;
cortan mi piel & la sangre se derrama de mis ojos.

~ autolesión.
a los que luchan cada día, os admiro.
Jul 2019 · 111
untitled.
samara lael Jul 2019
mirrors always seem to shatter my heart. their sharp shards would draw out the blood.

~ mirror beauty.
Jul 2019 · 244
all i want.
samara lael Jul 2019
he sings:
all he wants is nothing more
than to hear her knocking at his door.

& all i want is nothing more
than to be the one opening up my own.

she walks through streets of calmed anxiety,
a technique she has nailed into closed doors.

tranced, coffee sipping, malamente listening;
she lives in her mind for the hours she has to rest.

the summer soars; the light winds are for
whisking away the days til she returns.

though today she practices for the worser days,
she can’t help but realise these are more than okay.
Jul 2019 · 104
carlisle.
samara lael Jul 2019
all of the troubles in my head started to pile.
i had to get away for a little while
so i took the train down to carlisle
because for a second i forgot how to smile.
Jul 2019 · 143
i miss you.
samara lael Jul 2019
in english we say i miss you,
like the person you seek comfort from
is nowhere near.
in french they say tu me manques,
like that person
is literally missing
from you.

what i’m trying to say is:
te echo de menos.

you’re not here in my circle of proximity.
you’re too far away to hold close
or kiss,
or even meet for a walk & a talk.

& maybe it’s selfish
or silly
but i find myself  
daydreaming
of you
or how you make me feel

when you embrace me & my being;
talk softly to me & laugh with me;
walk calmly near me
& search for answers in my eyes  

or on my lips.  

we’ll always be friends.
but i think you’ll be that friend
where i feel something more.

safe & calm;
happy & warm;
soft & blissful.

& while i can feel those things
with my friends & family,
it grows differently with you:

a gentle glow of light  
in the depth of my soul,
kindled with every touch;
every word;
every look;
every smile;
every inhale of your cologne.

i hope it never dies out.

i used to question:  
what if it’s just the idea
of you
that i miss
& the short time we spent together
that i relive in my mind?

but i know it’s not just an idea.
because if it was, i would want that  
with anyone who piqued my interest.

but it is listening to music with you
& sipping cider in busy bars with you
& sitting on cold benches conversing with you
& lying breathing with you
& how did it get to this,
when surely you don’t feel the same?

i could see it,  
& maybe you could.
but maybe that terrified you,
or made you think more than you should.

pero que será, será; whatever will be, will be.
the Lord will have his way,
& it’s okay to feel,  
come what may.

so is this simply a nebulous picture
that i once dreamt up on a train?

no, it is you.

i
    m i s s
                  you.
Jun 2019 · 200
origami lies.
samara lael Jun 2019
you covered
your deceiving sentences
in pretty paper,
letting the gold flecks
blind the careful,
truth-seeking eye.
each fold you made
masked the truth
even further;
the edges too thick
to tear through.

you made lying
an art.
perfecting your trickery
with each crease;
simulating
the false concern
on your brow.

how many steps
did you take to hide
your intentions
or your secrets?
how many incisions
did you make
on your victims?
relationships
are supposed to be
beautiful demonstrations
of life;
not crumpled up
pieces of false hope
& fake actions,
curated to bend
at your command.

i tried to keep track
of what moves you made
so that i could make sure
you wouldn’t repeat them
on me.
but your nimble, paper cut
fingers moved too fast,
& before i knew it,
i was trapped in a suffocating
paper thin, paper-slicing
maze.

if only i had the scissors
to cut myself out of this pointy mess.
but once i unfolded one lie,
the rest unraveled before me
til there was just one
piece of paper
with the marks
showing where i
could have caught you out.

look at all those little lies folded up
into something so intricate
that looked treacherously beautiful
from the outside,
but was simple & sinister from the start.

you contorted me into myself,
creating an aesthetic crane.
but i learnt to fly out of my cage,
& out of your clasp.
i won’t be pleated
into an origami opus
for you to
display & deride.

i am not your paper to fold or decorate.
not aimed at all. just caught inspiration from origami and though that lies unfold just like it; when you discover one, the rest of them unfold.
Apr 2019 · 1.6k
laces.
samara lael Apr 2019
i laughed at all those jokes you made about falling
yet here i am feeling tears fall because i realise
i tripped at every sweet sentence you said
& now i can’t tie my shoe laces to stop myself.

my shoes were dancing with yours
to a song i associate with you now
& although i know someone kicked you before
& that you’re not ready to throw out those old sneakers,

my laces are getting ******* with yours.
you’re kneeling down to undo them,
& i want to do it, too, to protect myself,
but my heart laces are making me fall.

& then they wonder why kids take off their shoes.
oh, the irony; they don’t get hurt.
Apr 2019 · 203
soft hands.
samara lael Apr 2019
"your hands are soft",
you say as you hold them gently
& although i have been told
this before,
you make me believe it.

your words are pear drops
that sweeten my soul
& pool in your palm.

your soft hands hold mine.
okay so it's 0237 & i just wrote this with my eyes half shut in 5 minutes because this person is keeping me up in my head.
Apr 2019 · 173
the door.
samara lael Apr 2019
after leaving the door ajar for so long
(silently arguing over who was going to leave it),
you shut it in my face.

& i finally felt at peace
knowing whether that door could lead us to another place
or leave us in the cosiness of comfort.

although we switched opinions
a thousand times,
our hands don’t grip the handle anymore.

i don’t mind
if you locked or not.
the door no longer swings.
también lo he traducido al inglés.
Apr 2019 · 272
la puerta.
samara lael Apr 2019
después de tanto tiempo con la puerta entreabierta
(discutiendo silenciosamente sobre quién lo iba a dejar),
la cerraste en mi cara.

& por fin tuve esa paz
en saber si esa puerta pudiera llevarnos a otro sitio
o dejarnos donde estábamos en la casa de lo conocido.

aunque cambiamos de opiniones
mil veces,
nuestras manos ya no agarran la manija.

no me importa
si pusiste el pestillo o no.
ya no se mueve la puerta.
i have translated this into english too.
Apr 2019 · 525
untitled.
samara lael Apr 2019
pues ya no pienso en ti así.
gracias.

~ amigos de nuevo.
Apr 2019 · 677
untitled.
samara lael Apr 2019
salt market; busy road; tracks everywhere;
the pungent noise suffocates the air,
the rain drenches my hair,
& fills the trenches in the road.

but…

raised from the ground,
such a haven from this world,
lives clothed in serenity
with flowers in its hair.

surrounded by green leaves,
hidden from the dirt,
standing firm in its place;
strong in its purpose.

purpose? you may ask.
home- where your loved ones gather
in safe space & warm welcome.
it is beautifully structured, yet free.

it is a breath of fresh air.
                                    
                       ­               ~ for home.
i wrote this for a friend's architecture project presentation, but i ended up being rather fond of the image i had created, so i like to include it with the rest of my work.
Apr 2019 · 204
valentine.
samara lael Apr 2019
i am aware that there must be so many letters
just like this one.
but i promise you, that this love is real.
you hid yourself behind your tear-stained face,
you ran away from your own name.
you took part in the name calling & shaming, &
you hurt yourself more than anyone else did.
but i forgive you.
i forgive you.
i
forgive
you.

because it is you who came here
to complete God’s purpose for you.
not anyone else.
he designed, delivered & devoted.
he designed you in his image.
he delivered you to his world.
he devoted himself to you.

he loves you. he adores you.
& i love you too.

if i can’t, then who will?
& how will you grow & love others?
& how can you not love someone who he holds so dearly?

so here it is.
i am not promising that it is easy.
because it won’t be.
there will be days when you wake up
hating & crying.
there will be days when you question
your importance, your purpose, your life.

but i promise you this.
i choose to love you.
i choose no more to be your enemy.
if i am tearing myself down,
how can i build others up?
every second that i love myself,
my father smiles even more,
& the sun shines straight through the cold clouds.

& he is saying:
“i am your valentine.”
true love is a straight road to my heart.
the rest is an obstacle.
i don’t need cards or kisses,
pennies or pockets full of poetry.
i only need my heavenly valentine
who hugs me into unconditional,
unfailing,
& everlasting love
without precaution or judgement.

& he teaches me to love the woman in the mirror.
side note: this poem doesn't mean i am against love, romance or even valentine's day.
Apr 2019 · 668
mira.
samara lael Apr 2019
mira.
la cafetería llena de ruido,
y el té que se derrama de tus labios
sin querer.
las páginas que cuentan historias,
y las ventanas que muestran vidas.

pero sigues pensando en otras cosas.

mira.
él no pensará en ti.
él no se preocupa de cómo estás.
él no está esperando por alguien como tú.

mira.
no por él.
mira.
por tu bien.
might translate this into english so let me know. also, the 'mira' is meant to be in italics & so is the middle sentence, just can't figure out how to make that work on hp.
Mar 2019 · 202
why me?
samara lael Mar 2019
when were you going to tell me?
how did you think I would feel? did you even think?
you took what you wanted & locked me out,

making me say sorry so i could come back in,
expecting me to make amends.
Mar 2019 · 506
crazy.
samara lael Mar 2019
i need to get out. out.
but do you know that it´s that conversation
that keeps me captive?

you don’t.
and i mean, how could you?
when you were right:

about not being meant to be.
& a part of me hates that phrase.
meant to be?
i mean i believe there could be
many ‘meant to be’ relationships.
maybe “ours”
wasn’t one.  

but your. choice. of words.
your method of saying. or not saying.
really?

agreeing with me?
when you know
that that is never
ever
a way of telling someone.

i may be crazy.
but i am not that kind of crazy.
& bringing the opinions of your friends in?

huh.
i guess you did go there.

i’m the kind of crazy that cries,
but doesn’t stalk insatiably.
the crazy that has past pain,
but does not use it to manipulate.
the crazy that gets hurt,
& clearly the kind that drives you away.

i liked you despite your difficulties.
& i know you didn’t owe me anything like that, because ultimately it was your choice.
but it did hurt what you said.

i liked you because you seemed so much more different than those who would tell you
i am crazy.
but maybe not.
when i said that other people would see me as “a crazy b*tch”,
i never said that i thought that about me.
but by confirming that’s what your friends would say,
& by making me feel i was?
maybe it was for the best.

this is the part where you would say
that that is what i felt
& not what you said or did.
that i can’t blame you.

i know that.
& i am not thinking you are the bad guy.
quite the opposite actually.

i just know
that anyone
who makes me feel that way
whether it be intentional,
unintentional,
or simply coincidental,
it’s a feeling that doesn’t go away
easily
& that when they make me feel like that,
i need to reconsider my distance.

& how could you have known
that that is how i felt?
well,
you aren’t stupid,
& you could see that i was hurting,
& you know the decent thing to do.

it may be my fault for feeling that way
when that wasn’t your intention (?),
but i did feel that way,
& i never wish that upon anyone
(it crushes your soul, just a little bit each time you think of it).

& i most definitely have never been in the situation
where someone would feel like that
after the words i had said
or not said.
i want to dedicate this to anyone who is labelled a crazy b*itch for having baggage, a mental illness, or for simply having emotions; you don't deserve the hurt that people make you feel.
Mar 2019 · 3.5k
genetic makeup.
samara lael Mar 2019
why am i like this?
how do i scare everyone away?
i am your biggest fear, your phobia, the monster on the streets.
i paint my claws that i only ever hurt myself with.
my hair is a nest where nightmares hatch, & the mascara dries on my cheeks.
these eyes find the flaws, but they also see the scars and weep.
what? don’t you want to kiss me?  
or are my chapped lips too angsty?
do they say “crazy *itch” at you?  
do my endless questions also itch at your skin?
at least your skin seems comfortable.
but how dare i make this all about me, when we all go through the same.
right?

wrong.
because i am your drama queen.
i declare a set of rules, i keep records on what you say,
i write letters to your name & invest in you each day.
each day i put on my armour & climb the watch tower.
i see you on your horse.  
you are not the knight.  
but you shine regardless.
you earn the trust for you to enter the iron gates.
once you are in, the damage is done.  
it just takes your leave for me to feel the sword.
what hurts is that i tripped over it.  
my vulnerabilities were out  
in the open.
& you accidentally hurt me.
this, humans can’t promise not to do.

i am an addict.
i write my insecurities & my inabilities down,  
& my pride goes into poetry.
i do nothing about anything.
& i can’t.  
stop.
some would say it’s pathetic,  
how one can be so overwhelmed by the underwhelming,
how one can be so distraught by the daily doses of life.
if i accept it then i have given up my responsibility.
if i ignore it then it silently damages me & my capability.
if i address it i am holding on & i deny my viability.
whatever i do, it has won,  
& it has left me with nothing.

but that’s what a loser does.

sometimes i feel my feelings feel too much.
sometimes nothing makes sense.
sometimes it feels normal that nothing feels okay.
but that’s okay.
sometimes i stress about stressing about stress.
sometimes i hate my irrational abnormality.
sometimes i cry about my weakness.
but that has to be okay.

yes.
there isn’t a definitive answer to my questions.
there seems to be more struggles than strengths.
there isn’t a clear path, or a silver platter with a cure for me.
my clothes cover my cares like sugar coats the pills i swallow.
The pill being _.
but i make a choice.
a lot of the time it seems i don’t have one.
but i do.
sometimes i am influenced to make it,
but i do.
i do.
i always do.

always.

doctors and scientists are trying to find
the causes, effects, & answers.
i sleep & wait.
but instead we should be
talking
listening
trying
supporting
helping
fighting
& never ever letting go.

even if they prove it is part of my genetic makeup
i will wake up,
i will get up,
i will make up,
i will stay up,
&
i will help myself,
help others help myself,
help others help themselves,
& help others help others.
i will highlight my temples with wisdom & peace.
i will shadow my eyes with beauty & light.
i will paint my lips with humility & kindness.  

my genetics will not make up whether i give up or not.
they will not make up my mind,
or make up someone else’s.
my genetics are not choosing if i live or not.
suicide is not a choice.
suicide is not make-up.
suicide is not a gene.

& suicide  
will not take part  
in my genetic makeup.
Mar 2019 · 134
genetic makeup ii.
samara lael Mar 2019
you once said i always have a choice.
i was mad.

you said that to someone who was helpless.
you said that to someone who had tried everything endlessly.

but you made me see that i was giving up.
that i had given up.

i am crazy.
i don't deny that.
but while i am attempting the embracing,
all i need is an embrace.

you won't give me that.
i respect you for the respect you give.
i know i have baggage.
i didn't expect you to carry it.
if you don't believe
that you are the one to help me with that,
to adore me for who i am,
to keep me 'til i die,
then that's okay.

it hurts.

like a paper cut.
it requires all my attention in this moment,
but if it won a role in my life
it would be the grains of rice i eat
from my favourite dish i cook
on the wednesdays of a busy week.
mostly insignificant, yet memorable.

i'm not saying you are a paper cut;
i'm saying you paper-cut me.

papers cut unintentionally.
knives cut with purpose.

that's why it is paper.

it stings.
it will seem tiny later, but right now it screams.

it needs healing. it needs prayer.
it needs trust in the bigger picture plan.

my bigger picture plan will have you in it
i am sure. for you have great lessons to teach.
but don't think you are the only one,
or that you are the only teacher.

my bigger picture plan will have you in it
for i have known you long.
my bigger picture plan
is not mine to organise,
but it is mine to live.

& even if you aren't in it after
i (dramatically) mourn this paper cut
with yellow rice on my fork,
r & b in my ears,
& type up words with teary tissues,
i thank you for everything you gave me.
i pray for your wellbeing,
& i praise God.

— The End —