i Thought the fields were on fire until you Reminded me thAt it was just dawn
you took me to your graNdparents' farm so i could ride horseS again
it had been a very, very long time
but i remembered theIr bodies as much as my own
and you were good
The animals knew you like a god
all bent and hIdden in the light
we didn't get hOme till late
your parents were asleep, they left dinner iN the refridgerAtor
it was the only ilLumination in the entire house
i saw you in the faint, shadowy glow

You would never hang yourself from fishing line and expect to die
You were too smart for that
You took the parring knife out of your father's tackle box
You cut lengthwise so that they couldn't stitch you back together
But God, did we try
I held you like a child until the paramedics came, clutching your arms shut and humming sweetly over the crying-
- In case that was the last thing that you heard
I wonder if you're watching me condense your room into boxes right now
Your mother couldn't do it
She couldn't turn your life into a storage room, and I understand that
Your scholarship to that graphic design school came in the mail two days later
That was not a pleasant phone call
I'm not even your family
But your death was a grenade and it didn't just hurt you
I walk around school and see shrapnel sticking out of everyone
Everyone wants me to take a few days off but I can't
It ***** but I need to keep going because I believe in my life
I understand why you did it;
I can imagine you walking through your garage, thinking of the easiest way to go,
Maybe you were even crying, but that's not really your style
I don't think you understand how weak you were in that second, the one where the tip of the knife actually hit your skin
I don't think you realize how selfish it was
I wonder if you were able to see me run in as you were falling
Maybe you didn't even know that I loved you, but God, I loved you
Maybe you get to see Rome now, like you always wanted to
Or maybe you're in Heaven, or Hell,
Or maybe there's nothing, and that's what you wanted
I hope you got what you wanted because I can't get your blood out from under my nails.
You have infected my life with yourself, and that's forever now
I still remember your jacket...
The green and black one in some box in some storage locker somewhere
Your mother covered your arms in bandages, and then decided against and open casket
It was like you were flowing out of yourself
Maybe it was freeing, just for that second before it ended
I don't know
That is the only honest answer I can think of when I ask if you're really gone
You could have lived forever
Now, you only live until I wash your image out of my head
They hired someone to wash you off of the floor
They didn't let me into the ambulance
I had so much time with you, and then suddenly, I didn't
For some reason, it's cold outside whenever I think of you
You were the snow that made the cold worthwhile
I'm moving to Arizona next month so that I don't have to see your shadow around every corner
You vaporized
Your breath exists in photographs
You used to smile

You left so much behind