my skeleton never liked me
very much. it cracks in unusual
places, ribcage poking out of its
skin prison, the frailty of it
breaking beneath the musical
whispers of the wind through hollow
spaces.  i see

light bursting beneath the flash
of a camera and my skin
incinerates - do not look do not touch
do not look - and the charcoal in
my lungs is set on fire. i wake up
with ash beneath my tongue
far too often. my skin

despises me now that i have
bruises in places no one could
kiss better. there's this scar above
my right knee, which dislocates when
my life falls out of its socket, and it
reopens and blood pours from the
renewed wound too often. i think

i have a body that likes to believe it is dying.

Loneliness is an epidemic.
To have all your breaths cut short
by the ghost of a boy fizzled out.
Just a burned down wick,
the aluminium shell of a tealight.
I didn't even burn at both ends.

By the mist of an old bee sting.
Was pain any better than this?
I remember deciding to stop feeling
but not why I did.
Loneliness is a piercing migraine.
I am a bottle washed smooth by the sea.

My skin is a reused Manila envelope.
Well used and travelled,
every scar is an ink blot, how did
you know where I was going? You didn't.
Loneliness is an epidemic and yet
you scream in my loneliest moments.

worms live from the decay of dead bodies
they are beautiful and soft,
and anyone could break one
but why would they want to when
their bodies seem as sunlight against glass?

you do not know that they want to get inside of you,
take from you,
and add your remains to their
empire of dirt. their soil, their sustenance.

he found his way into my soul,
he wants me to give all my insides away
to make him more beautiful.

worms think they are ugly
they have to fill themselves up up up
of other people, until everyone else is empty
and ugly too.

i am so sad
i want to die, want
to open up my wrists and show him my veins
because they look like worms

like him,
and i need them
but never wanted them.

You seem like you
would taste like a
thousand different girls
like you would
feel like the sunlight when
it's 20 degrees outside

you ate hearts like
the wave eats the shore
which now makes me
under the waves
feeling the coldness of the water
not being able feel the warmest of your heart and now I'm washed away like every other wave you have swallowed

j.f

it's never you he will remember it was her
he was a car crash
and you were an unreturned library book
he caused thousands in damage
you; a late fee
she was EMT's and flashing lights
and bandages and scar kisses
she was storm clouds and
lightening strikes and screaming between sheets
and you were condensation
on shower ceilings and crackling
speakers in beaten up cars with roll up windows
you were floral patterns and pastel shades
and grey socks and tidy bedrooms
you were studying hard and drinking with friends
you were beach trips and family photo's
and B grades
you were wavy hair, no make up pyjama sundays
she was studs and torn denim and
laddered stockings and lace up boots
she was binge drinking and pill taking all alone
she was road trips and  broken frames
and "I didn't finish College" grades
she was last nights make up and strangers clothes sundays
she was hushed whispers and angry words
and 100 things you did wrong today
you are child hood friends and same class time to graduate
she is loud and grubby and free
you are shy and calm and soft
you are memories and happy dreams
she is crying in the middle of the night and aching touches
she is broken fingers and hearts
you are bashful smiles and spring clouds
you are april showers and she is winter downpours
your touch is sacred
her touch is a fabrication of a half-dream
just chemicals and adolescent love
you were 2 kids, suburban homes
you were safe
she was fear
you were alive
she was living

I could tell that you had smoked a cigarette
yesterday before I saw you because
your shirt smelled like smoke and
your lips tasted like
lung cancer.  (I like to to pretend
that it doesn’t really bother me that
this is not the only connection
you have with my father.)

My parents, my sister, and you, my darling, all
have green eyes.  Green like miniature
earths turning in space, like Lake Michigan capsizing,
like the summer leaves in the woods behind my house.  
Sometimes I think that I’m more closely related to
my grandparents because when I
turned down the emeralds, I was given
sapphires to use as kaleidoscopes instead.

And, you know, my father called me a month ago and
wished me luck “in the big city” and I still
do not know if that means he knows
where I am or not; I have
not heard from my mother in over five years.  
(I like to pretend that your relationship
with your parents is much easier than mine.)

Do you remember that time when you told me that
                       “everyone sins?”
I do not think that you took into account
the amount of which we all sin.  (All sinners are equal,
but some are more equal than others.)  Sometimes
I think that the Viking blood inside of me
makes sure that I identify with
the villains            more than            the heroes.
Sometimes I think that
                                            you are the hero.

But, darling, there so many things I
tip toe around when it comes to you, and
I am not sure why—religion, politics; the
Chernobyl boy, the inked boy, my father, my mother; the
moths that live inside my gut, the layer of dust over my limbic system.
I wish that I had the words to say that I can never
be what you want, what my
family wants, what anyone wants.

I wish that I could tell you how I
think I am drowning in the in the gene pool,
how I am convinced that I’ve broken three bones
without actually breaking them, how I lay awake
at night, scared to death that my
dreamcatcher will stop working and that the
nightmares will finally catch up with me.

There are broken wishbones in my bed that
I keep as trophies of losing to luck and
blood stains on my clothes from all
the lambs that I’ve been forced to slaughter.
All I want to do is tell you why I prefer
cigar smoke            to            cigarette smoke
and how I would rather have you
quit all together than live another day knowing that
you’re dying faster than me.

But darling, I watched the world spin last night
when I opened my eyes and looked at you
looking at me, and for now, it’ll do.  You
can be the nightlight in the corner of my room.
Wait for me in my chrysalis. Listen to my wings flutter.