I - The Proxy. (September 2010 - February 2011).
I don’t know how it began
and I don’t know how it will close.
All I recall is that of us together
in the dull rooms
with your male equivalent
and the girl who’d soon depart.
The first year is inmaterial,
the second is where
you came ablaze
like a torch in the obscurity,
intense and alive.
From blonde to brown,
but it arose.
You enticed me in,
as did the serpent to Eve.
So started more interaction,
guess I was foolhardy,
strained my luck too much,
got me nowhere.
Blasé, shrugged them off
(but you knew didn’t you?)
and they soon stopped,
but the talking did not.
It became apparent,
she was sadly gone.
You were the substitute,
as foul as that sounds.
II - The Design. (March 2011).
Over again I thought, once more I attempt to ease into this world,
a world still hazy to me but I’d seen how it worked,
people happy, joyful, walking around with a little more happiness
on the soles of their shoes, or sad,
sad at the expiration of what before had seemed great
only to invisibly split like the skin of a bruised banana.
Me and P spoke for ages about what could be done.
What would she like? Should anything go ahead?
Three years in a row, but this one felt righter,
a genuine chance to get my feet over the threshold.
This couldn’t go the same way as the past.
Ideas were puny, rash, almost stupid,
it needed to be powerful, effective, simple instead,
I said all the time, stick to those rules, a plan will come up,
though days disappeared, notebook remained a vacant space.
But just like the first time, a night by myself in my room
an idea came.
III - The Envelope. (5th April 2011).
*You must understand that what you are reading could not be truer.
You know that I like you. A lot. I have felt this way about you for several months.
You know that I hate it when you (and I) have to leave, and that I miss you as soon as you are gone.
You know that you make me feel happier just by turning up to lessons.
You know that I think you are an amazing individual.
I know that you may not care, I know that I cannot stop you from doing what you will, and I know that I cannot force you to change. All I want is to be around you all the time, but that cannot happen.
Quite simply, if I do not tell you this now, I doubt I ever will. Even though you sometimes make me feel depressed, and sometimes make me annoyed…
Written: June 2012.
Explanation: The first three parts of this poem were written in my own time over the space of several days. It is the most personal poem I have written to date.
Part One refers to how we met.
Part Two refers to how I planned things with the aid of my friend.
Part Three refers to the plan that never was.