I so badly seek approval from friends teachers and coaches because I don't feel the approval from my family

To be perfectly honest this was one of the more difficult poems to string together for the sheer fear of possibly jinxing it,
as there appears to be a pattern to every story involving a boy and me lately,
which begins with the same overrated butterflies in the stomach sensation followed by a poem,
sleepless nights, cigarettes, ***** and a tragic ending.
So having reached the poem stage my instincts and the part of my brain receptive to pain are already bracing themselves,
I can feel them clenching in my gut.  
As this three nights stand situation burns the lines between a *******, friendship with benefits and something to the extent of a budding romance,
my expectations are protesting against being so fiercely oppressed,
frankly they are getting out of control,
as the dislike of not wanting to be clingy, chivalry of not wanting to subdue to any labels nor the fear of yet another heartbreak itself,
are no longer sufficient to keep these rising hopes in place.
Ironically, when I think of you I think more of who I become when I'm with you, than actually you,
even though I do sincerely adore you. Very much.
I'm bemused by how comfortable I feel in my own skin,
naked and burnished, next to your warm, ivory touch.
Each time you trail your fingers down my body and take in a quick breath as if you were seeing me for the very first time,
I treasure the look in your eyes for later in the week when the going gets tough.
I idolize your rough, blistered, bleeding palms with all its calluses for they mirror my own much subtle bruises,
representing our shared interest, commitment, strength and transformation.
Your new found superpower to completely eradicate my necessity to socially smoke when socializing with you, speaks for itself really,
and we haven't even got to the laughter, the banter, the top notch sarcasm, the conversation, the warmest embrace,
breakfast ending in a ridiculously serious spectacle of coffee making,
which I thoroughly enjoy from the best seat in the kitchen wearing your shirt which fits me far more perfectly,
and the skip in my step as I head home.
So when the day comes for the revolution, of my expectations, overthrowing this rather tiresome governance of fear,
I just might pop the question, will you be my forever one night stand? ,
in the hope that you might just say yes...

I'm having a love affair
Multiple if you get down to it
The sun, he kisses my cheeks every morning
My coffee frenches my mouth
My clothes caress over my body
At night
The stars whisper sweet nothings into my ears
And the moon penetrates my being
And they all become jealous when he is near
For he gives me all of this
He adds the butterflies that wreak havoc within
I am having a love affair
One I will not quit

Everything in the air was toxic
The smoke consumed us all
Grey and green and black
My eyes barely open and my legs
Shaking, head completely cloudy
The smoke was even inside my mind
It swirled inside my brain and
Fogged up my vision as I inhaled
So much smoke
Everything in the air was toxic
Including your lips on mine for a second
Everything was grey too
The dim headlights on a gravel road
The trees were grey too, the sky
The poisonous exhaust in the beams of the headlights
The smoke coming from the four cigarettes on the ground and the smoke coming out of my mouth and yours
It was all toxic and it was all grey, and I don't regret doing it because I learned from it
In a way it was a poisonous kind of beautiful, that night
But the kind of poisonous that would **** you,
So I must not do it again

I wear messy buns to school
And a silver cross neck less my best friend gave me
I enjoy strumming the same four chords on a pink ukulele  
And enjoy staying late after track just to hang out with the coaches
I am now always listening to Jimmy Buffet and putting on sun screen
And am obsessed with plants, especially my new garden
I pray the divine mercy novena prayers at night
And I spend my school days looking up future mission trips, going on ifunny and taking personality quizzes
Catch me shipping superheroes and being obsessed with Deadpool
Or reading the newest Louis T conspiracies
I spend my free time in the hot tub or on a jet ski
My favorite time of day is around 7:30- 8 AM when the sun rays turn bright yellow
My favorite season is spring because I love green a lot now
I'd say I'm fairly happy, but am prone to depressed moments throughout a day
My family is tense and awkward but I love them all
And my life is very enjoyable

you looked at me today
Oh how my eyes I want to hide
I try to turn away
but never see the same
my heart pounding to the sound of your name

Your laugh adorable
When you speak
nothing else matters but you
Your eyes so blue
As the ocean and sky
May your deepest secrets hide

Do you even like me?
I want to know the truth

I want to know if my feelings are real
Or should i just continue to feel

I like you for you
Your not afraid to show the real you
You speak with great manner
So why i feel this way?

I dont know
I know i dont want to be in this alone.

You love me. You don't. You care. I think. Ignore me. Love me. Confuse me. Ignore me. Confess your love. Make me smile. Take it away. Sleep with someone else. Make love to me. Let me cuddle you. You choose me. Ignore me. Cook you dinner. This is nice. You're nice. Ignore me. Rip me apart. You miss me. Walls come down. "I feel hurt". Ignore me. Begging again. Take me back. One night. It's not over. It's over. My reaction. His reply. "This is why." Ignore me. Soul cries. Love me.