I love you:
In that park on that bench
On those steps
At the corner of every ******* street
You are sweet nectar and everything feels
Like bitter aftertaste now
Under bright disco lights
To the tune of a melody
That blooms with longing
To be within reach
To be within earshot
To be without distance
Our love can withstand any measure
But my heart is heavy with missing you
And not just our sweaty tangled bodies
Desperate to please each other
Hungry kisses down to our cores
But all of you
The softness of our hands gently collapsing into each other
Like being elsewhere would **** us to an eternity apart
The softness of our bodies gently leaning into each other
Like support as if we where fragile vessels that would break
The softness of your love displaying in varying ways
Like each person received a unique part of you
Like everyone was special
Most of all I miss the gentle time we spent on the train in the city
An alliance of mutual love and adoration
I did my best to take it all in and stay present
But here we are a week later
And my memories are all I have
I miss you, I love you
Please come see me soon my love
I can’t bear to be apart so long.

This feeling,
of wavering uncertainty,
of overwhelming doubt and warning.
This feeling,
its whispering in my ear,
to run 100 yards in the opposite direction.
This feeling,
is grabbing my heart,
and squeezing it so tightly I don't know
whether I'm living or dying.
This feeling,
is playing all the right notes in my head,
despite every warning bell ringing in my ears.
This feeling,
this feeling is telling me to love,
to risk, to give, to trust, to taste
like never before.
This feeling,
is teaching me how to love you,
all in.

I guess we never had a resolution, no obvious end. I never was quite sure whether to be happy or sad.
Now I know,
I am angry I am furious I can't even formulate just how heartbroken I am.

Losing you was losing the one person who kept me sane, you understood where I stood…or so I thought.
And friendships are never 50/50 that I understood quite well, when we first met I was there for you with everything I was there
And yet I can't say the same for you.
I always pulled my 80/20 without complaint because I wanted you to be there; alive and well.

But so it seems, I couldn’t be given the same courtesy. Because when I was lying on my bathroom floor about to down a bottle of pills you weren’t there, and you weren’t there when I needed to release my thoughts, and you weren’t there you weren’t ******* there.

Apparently when I gave you my all my love apparently when I allowed myself to be drained of everything that was me Apparently that wasn’t enough to convince you I was worthy of you, apparently I hadn’t done enough to be able to fall apart within your grasp and for you to ******* notice and not let me shatter on the floor. Apparently, I wasn’t clear enough when I said I wanted to die.

And now I’m destroying everyone I love because nobody ever taught me how to love that.

And now I’m destroying myself because nobody ever taught me to love that either.