It's been a while
I know
I remember
It's just that time flies so fast
And somehow I lost myself
And my bearings
And my visions
These days I wake up and I forget to pray
My thoughts immediately flying to all the things that need to be done
Problems that need to be solved
But in the midst of it
It became too much
So I ran
And now I'm back

I missed you
You were my source of release
The lifter of these burdens
Did you miss me?
Did you miss hearing me whine?
About every little thing?
Did you miss the way I would twist my words until they sang a deliberate melody?
I hope you did
Cause I missed you
And hopefully I'm back for good.

Everything feels incomplete
Like one part just keeps going on repeat
Same old story told in different ways
Halfway in, that's where the story ends
It just feels like something's missing
I can't get the thought out of my head
Even when I thought we were finished
I still wait for replies from you
All day
All night
I try not to look desperate
And so I count
The seconds
The minutes
Until the ache becomes too strong to ignore
My heart is torn
We're growing apart
And I can't tell if this is the good or the bad part
Probably the good
Cause when you finally leave
It'll be much harder

21-06-2020
© R.S.A.

It's funny how I love to hear the words;
When you say you love me,
My heart beats so fast - it's abnormal,
My smile gets so wide - it's illegal,
My mouth has to be covered so tight,
Cause saying "I love you" is a normal response to you.

It's funny how I love to hear the words;
But I can't say them back to you.
It's a promise that's too difficult to keep;
A commitment that I can't get trapped in;
And I'm sorry you have to suffer for my insecurities,
But I guess you should find consolation in the fact that it hurts me;
Cause that's the only gift I can currently give,
And that *****.

Your texts brought with them
Little busts of joy
I'm sorry I acted so coy.
Reading those words;
"I love you"
Boosted my self-esteem.
If I could be loved by you,
Then I'm worthy to be loved.
But then you destroyed me,
And now I constantly seek love and approval
From sources that don't even matter to me.
And that *****!

I hid behind that mask again;
That makes me look human enough to be loved.
All that time I thought of;
How repulsed you'd be if;
You caught a glimpse of the real me.
The more you express your love,
The more my heart sinks;
My smile dampens;
My mind freezes.
Cause I can't help but panic as I think,
"I must be a great actor,
Cause you can't see what's beneath this."
What happens when the acting stops?
That will probably mean the end;
Because the mask you love is too hard to keep up,
And eventually it will come off.
The real me is undeserving of your love,
And truly that *****.