Was that his step that sounded on the stair?
Was that his knock I heard upon the door?
I grow so tired I almost cease to care,
And yet I would that he might come once more.

It was the wind I heard, that mocks at me,
The bitter wind that is more cruel than he;
It was the wind that knocked upon the door,
But he will never knock nor enter more.

Hold me close again,
Don't tell me this is the end.

Alcohol on your breath,
How did we get into this mess?

The nicotine clings to my bed,
Just like the lies you said.

You took my fragile heart,
And filled it with your art.

The masterpiece of your lies,
Spoken right to my eyes.

Lie to me one last time,
Tell me it's all going to be fine.

Isn't it?
The Unpredictability of life,
The spontaneous nature of people,
The will to do more,
So much to be grateful for.
So much to look forward to.
So much to love.

I'm having doubts again. See, I don't last very long with a good thing before I overthink and over analyze and over anticipate and overwhelm and suddenly it's a poison that's eating me alive. I felt alive and that was all that mattered, feeling love and loved at last, after time and time again where my heart and brain teamed up to destroy my iridescent hope and it was so good that I didn't even see the flaws, looked through them like glass. Except now, his glass is half empty-- but only for a split second before its half full and then totally full-- and he's not a mean drunk but he drinks so ******* much that it makes me sick and I'm sick of my own hypocrisy because God knows I drink more than I should but I'm not throwing my life away with every shot. I know we have a shot at fixing our problems before I let this love spiral down the drain but I just can't seem to make it out alive because self sabotage is so much easier. Maybe I should stop looking around, maybe I should wear blinders when I walk so I don't see potential replacements with "no flaws" and of course I know they're all flawed but... But... I didn't lose my train of thought I lost my conscience because how can I look elsewhere? I spent so much time wishing I would be loved back and now that I am I want nothing more than the freedom of watching a different back walk out my door whenever I want. It's just a real chin-scratcher, how on one hand I want forever with him-- his drinking problem and his floppy hair and his long distance and his standoffish-ness-- but on the other I want out.

You are
    memorable
       to me
              and
        I was
          probably
                      just
          another face
                in the crowd
            for you.

I just want to put out a little message for everyone who is struggling right now:
You are not worthless. You're not. Even if people are leaving you and you feel alone, you still have friends and family in your life who would care if you disappeared. You may feel like no one would even blink an eye if you were just gone, but you'd be surprised by how big of an impact it can really make. It's like tossing a pebble into a pond. The ripples spread all the way across the surface.
Don't give up on love. Don't give up on friendship. Don't give up on life. There is always hope if you search for it. There is always someone in your life who holds you close to their heart, even if you don't know it.
Keep living, and don't give up now.

For over two years, every day, I've dreamt of dying. Historically, I've always hated change but I'd certainly consider killing for some now.

I look around and all I see
Is a war of pageantry and vanity
Everyone striving to define "pretty"

Waking up to put on a show
Painting on their faces before they go
Start their day with lies, fake smiles, glitter and bows

They have no direction
besides following their own reflections
Spreading their disease of insecurity
and superiority complex infections