I remember that dreadful day
when my life was changed.
my happiness
my freedom
all taken away from me
I lost the little independence I had
your intimidating posture was overwhelming
I didn't have the strength to defend myself
my body would flinch
at every touch
I was out of it like I was drugged.
I was paralyzed with panic.
you gained pleasure
I gained pain.
my expression was dark
yours unsentimental
after the unthinkable
my arms were covered with scars.
I feared being alone
I went to war with myself.
I became an unrecognizable monster
I wasn't strong enough to handle the pain.
two years later,
I remember that dreadful day
when my life changed.

thoughts darker than night
smile faker than barbie
happiness is rare
i hardly
see it
i use to be able to hide my depression
but now i can’t beat it
it’s consuming my life
i can’t run away
joy is playing hard to get
and sadness is playing easy to stay

yes lord
help me out
i don't wanna continue my life on this route
im trying to change
i wanna be a better person
tell me what to do so i can stop hurting
this is all too much for me to handle
im cracking under pressure
im losing my mind
im only 17
why the **** do i already want to die

society standards make me feel like i ain’t ****
so i look in the mirror and see ****
i walk around feeling like ****
no self-esteem
no confidence at all
at school i feel like everyone’s judging me as i walk down the hall

it isn’t fair that we have to live like this
depression, loneliness, sadness is becoming a trend
hospitals and therapist’s offices are filling up again
nobody seems to understand the problem is within

we’re society
we allowed this to happen
we didn’t speak up until it was much too late
now everyone is on the brink of breaking
everybody is wishing this was the last breath
they were taking...

distance.
I wish I could take the pain away
but I live too far away.
I fell in love with your mind and your soul.
now I want to rub my hands all over you, from your head to your sole.

I want to do all the cute things together.
dates, pictures, and just random movie nights.
everything could be so right
but distance.

Those random nights when I crave your presence, I wish I could reach over and grab you.
but distance.
every mile between us is another to my heart.
staying up late thinking about our meeting in the dark.
the anixety is in overdrive because there's no set date when I get to lay my eyes on your beautiful face.
I just need you here with me
but distance.

I'm trying to say patient and calm.
I'm trying to keep the faith.
I'm trying to stay happy and keep a smile on my face.
I don't care how long it takes.
just know no one will ever take your place.

distance is hard.
distance is ****.
but distance..
it made me love you more,
if that makes sense.

when I told you I loved, I meant every word. my feelings haven't changed or strayed. if anything, they get stronger every day. I was weak and picked distance over love. if feelings aren't there over messages, they won't be there face to face. your name is written on my heart, it has a special place. I won't go back and forth, I can't put you through that pain. I just hope you can open up to me again. I was stupid not to see you were the one for me all along. I couldn't prevented this sadness and feeling alone. I never stopped loving and I never will. I just hope you feel the way you did. I don't care how long I have to wait, just know I'll never let you ago again. I can't make the same mistake.

How did I go from the heartbroken to the heartbreaker?
Every time I see a girl, I think I can take her.
Once you've been hurt so many times before, you refuse to be hurt anymore.

Are my player ways a reflection of my last?
Fell in love with someone, then you find out they're an ***.
Am I becoming my exes?
Already thinking about the next while I'm with my present?

I can't pinpoint my change.
It's kinda strange.
I did a complete 180,
because I never felt this way.

But does this make me a bad person?
Am I afraid of healing?
Maybe it's the fear of commitment that I'm feeling.

I can be so distant.
Not grow attached.
Back-to-back relationships,
I don't see nothing wrong with that.

I just don't get feelings.
Is it so wrong that I've become numb?
It's like I don't have any remorse for what I've done.

So..
Am I becoming my ex?
Am I a bad person?
Am I done healing?
Or..
Am I still hurting?

what's wrong with having your cake and eating it too?
I want the best of both worlds.
I thought that's what everyone was trying to do.
give me love
give me lust
give me ***
give me hugs
what's wrong with having your cake and eating it too?

I want my lover in my best friend
and my best friend in my lover.
I have my lover
but my best friend is in another
so I'm not committed
relationships ain't for me
I'm really just trying to have my cake and eat it too.

so now I have to hurt someone again
pull the famous line, "we're better off friends", "it's not you, it's me."
but if you put cake in front of me, I'm going to try to eat it too.

isn't that what everyone would do?

I'm in love with my best friend.
not the sister type of love.
the love where I want her in my bed.
I want to be in the most intimate parts of her life.
I've seen her hurt so many times before,
I just want to be the one to make it right.
how do I deal with this?
where do I go from here?
thank god she's far away,
bc it would be a done deal if she was here.
I'm trying to forget these feelings.
trying to push them aside
but is it healthy to keep this all inside?

but I feel like **** for feeling this way bc we'll never be more than friends.
I'm way in over my head for thinking something can change.
it's funny bc I'm taken and I feel this way.
isn't it strange
that I would leave the current one
just to be with her.
she doesn't understand.
she doesn't feel the same way,
so I keep my mouth close everyday

why did I even put myself in this position?
someone is going to be hurt in the end.
it's probably going to be me bc I'm in love with my straight best friend.