my birthday is in one week.
i don’t care about my birthday.
i don’t want people focused on me.
i just wanna drink my *** and light up.
i don’t want anything.
i don’t want people to remember me.
i just wanna vanish.
i don't know if i can vanish if people care about me.
i don't know if i can escape if i'm gonna hurt them.
i’m just glad that i’m getting closer to the day where i have permission.

i can feel you letting go.
i can feel your tight grip around my hand loosening.
i'm afraid of how cold my palms will be when you let go.
i'm afraid of not feeling your soft skin against mine.
i'm in so much pain watching you walk away.
i'm in so much pain watching you lose interest.
when you were gone, we both learned to be independent.
when you were gone, i finally managed to restrict myself from missing you.
when you were gone, i think you finally managed to do the same.
when you came back, i think i was okay without you. until you told me that the only thing you were certain about was me.
when you came back, i think you realized you don't need me anymore. that it's easier without me.
if that's the case, i hope you'll just tell me.
if that's the case, i hope you'll help me get over you.

i really want to do it.
i can do it.
it's not worth the wait. i don't want to wait so long.
it's mine, anyway. so it doesn't matter.
when i do it, it'll be over.
i'm just afraid that maybe i'm wrong. maybe it isn't mine.
that maybe if i do it, it won't be over.
and it'll be worse. not for me, but for them.
it'll be good for me. but i don't know what will happen to them.

god, i can't stop thinking about how it feels to be in your arms.
your big bear hugs. where your muscly arms wrap around my ribs. and my cheek rests against your chest. i'm so small, wrapped up in you. when you hold me it feels like a golden fire crackling.
like the warm buzzing in your chest after taking a  shot of spiced ***.
like rolling yourself up in a blanket and dozing off.
like the smell of rain.
like when the sun is at the edge of the horizon and bleeds fuchsia.
like the sound of fireworks popping in the black sky.
like the feeling of warm sand in between your toes.
like safety.
i wish i could stop craving that comfort.

"one day i'm going to break down those walls of yours"
that used to sound comforting. that you would save me from myself. allow me to be vulnerable and be safe.
but now that sounds like a threat. you're going to crack me and watch me crumble. you'll pull out my guts and hold them in your hands. you'll have power over me now, and i'll be vulnerable. you know i'm scared of that.

i'm mad at you.
because you vanished for five days.
you didn't apologize.
and you told me you knew that i would worry. that i would act out because of it.
if you care so much for your angel, why'd you torture her like that?
you've got this evil habit of leaving me on a cliffhanger. leaving me and making me scared.
you left me wondering,
"did he **** himself?"
"did he try and end up in the hospital?"
"did he get arrested for fighting again?"
"did he and his father argue?"
"did he get sick of me and decide to leave me behind?"
and eventually what made the most sense was that you'd get bored of me and that's why you would've vanished.
but you reappeared this morning. no apology. i had to ask for you to explain. you never told me you were sorry for scaring your angel. never reassured me.
yet again, i'm trying to make things work. giving you another chance to redeem yourself. i know it's hard for you. but it's not fair for you to scare me.

when you tell me how bad i am,
i start to shake.
i'm nauseous and i have goosebumps.
i didn't try hard enough for you and now you don't want to waste your time.
i need a cigarette.
i don't expect you to accept my apologies.
i didn't change before so why would i change now?
because you're threatening to leave?
because you're making me guilty?
why won't you listen to me?
i told you why i'm having a hard time.
my head doesn't want us to be happy.
my head is convinced that you're ******* with me.
my head is terrified.
the world is making this so difficult.
i'm going to *****. please give me another chance. don't leave yet.