If I had died..
you would have to live with the guilt
the guilt of knowing
you killed me.
maybe you’d eventually
forget me
replace me
let go of that guilt.
but maybe,
when you look at her
in just the right lighting
you see my face
instead of hers
or you look at your daughter
and remember that you helped me pick
what ours would have been named
or maybe when you see roses or the moon
you’ll remember my tattoos and how badly I wanted them and how I always wanted more of them
and maybe you’d feel guilty again.

what we had was not love
what we had was insanity
it was rough kisses
hair pulling
pushing and pulling
taking what you wanted
and giving what I needed
it was obsession
calling and texting
checking in
finding me when I wasn’t lost
making sure I wasn’t getting over you
it was heartbreak
you leaving in the hardest time of my life
leaving me alone to mourn the loss of two people

This anger slithers up to me
From across the room
I am helpless as it sinks it’s fangs
Right into my heart.
This is the violent anger.
The anger that boils my blood,
The anger that makes me want to tear my own skin off,
The anger that makes me want to break all the mirrors in my room and play in the glass.
This is also the anger that makes me want to punch you in the chest, so you can feel that pain just like I did,
This is the anger that makes me want to hit you in the stomach so you throw up, just like I did at 3 am, and 6 am, and again and again even though there was nothing there to begin with.
This anger leaves me clawing at my own skin
Chewing my lips until they bleed
Biting my fingernails until there is nothing but blood in my mouth.
But as this anger dissipates,
I remember why I could never hurt you
And I remember that hurting me is hurting you too
I don’t want to hurt you

let me explore
let my fingers find
your scars,
your beautiful imperfections.
let them leave goosebumps behind.
let my cold feet find yours,
under blankets, but still shivering.
let my lips find
your soft lips,
your ears
and your neck,
to gently kiss you
again and again.
let my hands
run through your hair
and steal your hat,
claiming it as mine for awhile.
let my legs
wrap around you
and be prepared for
surprise attacks for piggy back rides.
let my mind
understand yours
and know how you feel
just by one look.
let my eyes
see all of you
and know that it is mine.

i have finally realized
why
why i stayed
and told you i loved you
again and again
after you ****** me over
again and again
its simply because
when i felt like
i was 25,
you brought me back
down to being 16
when you partied
i stayed home
with a baby
and you were my party
you made me drunk
even if i was drunk on jealousy
it didn't matter
because
i was your princess
i was your munchkin
i was your only one
until i wasn't

i find myself curious about a boy
that stares at me as if he knows
i don't know what he knows
but he knows something
i think its about me
but he stares
and be blushes when i catch him
which is quite often
he has big sad puppydog eyes
and honestly
i would like to see happiness in them
i want to see a smile on his lips
that would match his eyes
he looks at me
behind square glasses
and white earbuds
shoved into his ears
playing loud music
and i am curious about him.