I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
I’m trying
I’m really trying
believe me
I gave in again
I gave in to the voices again
I—
cut myself again
please
please forgive me
please—
I didn’t mean to—
no, I did
but not like that
not to hurt you
but now it feels like I did
please don’t leave me
not like she did
please
stay a little longer
just a while
just—
forever?
I’ll get better, I promise
I promise
I just—
I can’t be alone
not in this house
not in this war-zone of a home
where voices break more than silence
where hands break more than glass
I—
I can’t stay here
or I fear—
no, I know—
the darkness will take me
please,
my love—
forgive me
you said
you’d never leave
you said
you’d stay
but what if one day
you get tired?
what if you see
I’m not something
you can fix?
what if
I never mend?
I don’t want to be like this forever.
but I’m scared
because all I’ve ever known
is hurt
instead of love
they were supposed to be better—
the ones who took us in
but the mother had fists like storms
and the father—
I don’t want to say it
but it stays inside me like rot
and now—
no, now I sound like I want pity
like I want someone to look at me
to see me
social media says
I’m an attention seeker
for saying this
for feeling this
for needing someone to listen
even my own therapist feels like a lie
what was I even talking about?
…oh
cutting myself
I got carried away, didn’t I?
I always do.
I’m just—
I don’t know
I don’t know how to stop
I don’t know how to let go
the grudge I hold—
it’s eating me alive
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
I—
I put more scars into my body
again
again
again
if they find out
they’ll send me away
they’ll—
please
please don’t let them
please help me
please—
Maryann,
help me.
At first, it seems
I write for love—
a plea, a whisper,
“stay, forgive me.”
But as the ink spills,
the truth unravels—
these words aren’t for them.
They are for me.
A cry I cannot speak,
a confession I cannot hold.
The more I write,
the more the lines blur—
between seeking comfort
and fearing that no one
will ever truly stay.