It’s too early in the day for me to feel this helpless
It’s too late for me to say something to change us


The most crushing part
Of you leaving
Is you taking everything I had left
Of us
Of me.

I’m spinning
My nose is running
I can’t feel my throat
And I don’t even care what I could look like

I just want to know you’re here
You can’t even be here.
Now you’re even further than before.

And I’m sitting here wondering what the difference
Between then and now is
Because you actually left long ago
But hearing it
Out loud
Rips me to pieces.

The absolute worst part,
not knowing whether I should expect you to come back

I have never been one to not feel every emotion that came my way
And when I feel  I don't just cry and move on
I ache
My chest fills up with an empty air
that makes it hurt of being filled
The weight of my lungs are enough to drag me under ground
My heart is rocks dropping one by one into my stomach
My organs hit my feet and I look down and see them
I'm feeling too much to pick them up

My eyes are burning and foggy even though my thoughts and confusion are clear
My arms and legs are lead attached to my torso that can't move but wipe the tears and sweat of feeling from my face

When I feel
it's not only a sadness but the heaviest blow to the stomach
a punch that won't heal too easily

My feelings are bruises that are blue and black, thick and deep, and they aren't forgiving like I am

I will forgive and move on,
but my feelings...
not so much

I didn’t think I’d lose myself in you
Hesitating to fall,
It was a brave conquest
At the edge of it all
Looking down into a pit
And so I went without looking
Convinced that you’d be at the bottom
To crush my fall
Who knew you were the one to push me.

Every night since you left
I haven’t gone to bed sober.
Every night since you left
I found it hard to sleep.
Every night I open my eyes
and stare at the dark walls in front of me.
Every night I go through the script of questions
I still don’t have the answers to.
Every night I think of a new memory
that is destined to never repeat.
Every night is a pattern
of hopeful and hopeless thoughts.
Every night I consider where to go from here
and your face appears every ******* time.

I wish I stole something of yours
So you HAD to come back

So I could show you that it’s not me
That’s it’s the timing and the distance

This empty feeling of unknown
And wondering what is worth holding on to
Or when this knot in my throat will one morning be gone

I wish I took something of material
Because it doesn’t mean a thing to you
But for me it means everything

One more time to hear your accent
And play that hard to get routine I have down pack by now
To compare languages, and thoughts, and sayings
That we both know and don’t know
To inspire each other to change our ways of thinking
And to challenge each other
That we do have this connection
And we do have a reason to
Fall harder and deeper
Instead of remain on the surface
And be shallow
like material things

When I think about it,
I feel your skin on my fingertips.

In every line of my fingerprints I feel your skin sinking in
the little bumps, the hair on your arms and roughness of your back.

The coolness of your shoulders
and warmth of your sides.

Hot and cold
I can feel your skin
As if it were just yesterday.
It’s been exactly 100 days.

I hear the vibrations
Of my name in your voice
Of my nickname in your mouth.

It’s almost too palpable to accept
It’s not real anymore.

They say it takes 30 days to break a habit
You’re no longer a habit
But I can’t help but feel the stain of you on my skin.

You’re a drop of permanence
Left as a stain

I knew it was coming
I held on by a thread
Waiting for time to cut you loose

I want to promise myself
That this won’t last

I want to promise you
That it can still be us

Somewhere in a distant place
That it will let us be

I am an empty vessel*
You have taken all I had left
To give

Closed off and unsure
The gates had creaked open
Just a crack of darkness peering through

As a match was thrown in
Igniting everything in sight
Tearing down walls
Burning through dust
Bleeding with fire and ash
I escaped

I wish I could say unscathed
But now I bleed that fire and ash
I try to rebuild the walls that have crashed down onto me

Walking through the rubble
I look at my feet
There is the match
It’s small and almost insignificant
But it has done so much damage

I hope your eyes sting
And your throat is sand paper
When you think of what you did
To me


But of course you won't
Because you win
And I lose
You win her
*And I lose you.