i stand and watch you leave
the doorway fraMes your unsteady form as You walk out of my life
the whole scene reminds me of a haPhazardly taken polaroid pIcturE
in my white-knuCkled fingers
as i hold onto your mEmory as tight aS i can
for deAR lifE
because this moment here
is the breaking apart
i have Spent months grieving your loss
before it even arrived
and yet
this is harder than i Could even imagine
because watching you go is easier than seeing you gone
because the gentle ambiguity of your not-goodbye
is nothing like how you lived your dAys with me
fast-paced, breakneck speeds
every breath thaT flowed from your open heart sTormed right through the walls around mine
and without those i am suffocating
i am shattEring like a broken mirror
and you were the light i once reflected
every one of my fractures spreads and cRacks like a spider-weaved web
and i am the fly
i am too weak to say goodbye
so i let your “see you later”
shatter mE
because the you i may see later
will not be the same you that i know right now.
so i shatter and splinter and crack
as you slip out of my hands
and all my pieces are shattereD across every memory i have with you.

true faith is rare
how lucky am i to have found it already
though to me, it is not a man on a crucifix
but belief that the sun will rise again in the morning
that love conquers all
that things will be how they are meant to be
belief in yourself
belief in others
when friends become family
that’s only because you have so much faith in eachother
that the word “friend” couldn’t have the power to contain it

life has a way of kicking people down
honey i know
and watching people i love fall hurts like hell
so i will extend my hand to you in support
will you take it?
or will you ride out the waves of pain as they come
and go
will you raise your eyes to the sky
not in prayer
but in stubborn rage against god
for making life so **** tough

i’ve drowned in sorrow regularly
as if you couldn’t tell from the saltwater tracks running down my cheeks
or the gasps of air that i pull into my lungs before the suffocating starts again
but i’ve suffered
my personality is secretly drenched from sorrow
every grandiose display of life is soaked in tears
and yet
i still say that i’m okay
because i am
and i will be
because i will learn to lie on my back
admire the thunderstorms raging around me
and just float