Love is letting them wear your fuzzy socks because their feet are cold.
Love is going to get ice cream at 3:00 in the morning because they had a craving for a hot fudge sundae.
Love is making sure all of the blanket are even before you get into bed because they can't sleep if they're not.
Love is sleeping with the fan on even though you hate the noise.
Love is watching the same TV show with them even though they've watched it a million times.
Love is falling asleep to the sound of their snoring.
Love is waking up to their messy hair and naked face and still thinking they're the most beautiful person in the world.
Love is when being with that person feels like coming home.
Love is being someone's home.

The universe has it's way of treating us.
Giving us love,
and hope,
and happiness.
The universe has it's way of testing us.
Giving us hate,
and loss,
and sadness.
Lessons.
Everything we experience is a lesson.
To help us learn.
To help us grow.
Sometimes people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever.
Hold on to the ones that are.
Fight for what you believe in.
Know when to give up.
In the end, you will find your balance.
You will find yourself.

I've cried myself to sleep every night this week.
Even when I sleep, you are in my dreams.
I dream about you kissing someone that isn't me;
And I wake up gasping for air because that dream makes it hard to breathe.
I keep replaying everything I've done wrong,
to try to figure out why you have stopped loving me.

Blood smells strongly of iron.
Who would of thought a surface cut would bleed so much.
I can't feel pain.
I can't feel anything.

I wish I had a time machine.
I would go back to our very first dinner date,
that time I took us out for a sushi and you held my hand from across the table;
And I got nervous because no one had ever done that to me before.
I would go back to the night I fell in love with you,
and I would watch myself start to cry because in that moment, I knew that you were the one.
I would go back to the night you asked me to marry you.
When I asked you if you were serious and you had a big, stupid grin on your face when I said yes.
I would go back to our very first fight.
That silly fight of me getting mad at you because we made plans and you had to cancel at the last minute because you had to babysit your brother.
I would take a million canceld plans just to call you mine again.
I would go back to when we got approved for our very first apartment.
We went to Panera bread, and you ordered mac and cheese, and we celebrated the beginning of our life together.
We were only focused on how much we loved each other.
I would go back to Thankgiving last year.
I would watch how happy we were.
I would watch you interact with my family.
I would watch how in love we were.
I would watch my dad tell me that I found a good one, and how I better not **** it up.
I would go back to February 16th, 2017.
I would pick myself up and I would tell myself to get back to work.
I would tell myself that I would lose my home, and I would lose the most important person in my life.
That I was going to lose the only person that I have ever truly loved.
Now I am an empty shell;
And I know I have to find myself.
But how can I find myself when all I see is you?

I am a monster created by the thoughts in my own head.
I will make you feel like you are the most important person in the world,
Then in the same breath I will make you feel like you are worthless.
I will tell you all of the things that make you beautiful and then point out all of your flaws.
I will take up all of your attention,
and then I will threaten to **** myself if you decide to leave.
I will love and cherish you,
I will hate and despise your existence.
I will do something wrong and pretend I am the victim when you confront me about it.
I will take everything you have,
And I will leave you when your world crumbles.

They say that suicide survivors are usually relieved when they don't succeed their attempt.
Some are even happy.
I am not one of those survivors.
I don't like having to explain why I have such deep scars on my wrist;
Or apologize when I slur and stumble over my words when I'm sober because all of the pills that I overdosed on effected my brain.
I don't like having to live with the realization that I'm even a failure at killing myself.
I have to live not seeing a future.
When people ask me where I see myself in ten years, I have to lie.
I make up some stupid, cliché response like "married with kids." or "super rich with my **** together."
When really I'm actually thinking to myself, "I don't see myself anywhere in ten years because I plan to be dead before then."
I may of made it 18, and to 21, and to 23 but I will be ****** if I make it 30.
There is no future for me.