Like an old friend inviting you to come inside.
Familiar. Comforting.
It will grasp you in its arms and hold you close;
And when you're ready to leave, it wont let you go.
You will beg and plead to be happy,
and it will put up a fight.
It will make you think that the only way to escape it is to take your own life.
If you are lucky, you can break free;
and it will sit and watch you from afar.
Calling your name.
Welcoming you back into it's arms.
It will intrude your thoughts.
Make you think you are worthless.
That you're better off dead.
Just keep telling yourself that it's all in your head.
Keep moving. You will get far.
Depression is not who you are.

You’re so desperate for love that you latch onto the first person that shows you any kind of affection.
That is not called love, darling.
It is infatuation.
You sit in a web of lies, treating a person like they’re someone you despise.
You are not in love,
You are drowning in infatuation.
You are so obsessed with the idea of a person when you don’t even know who that person truly is;
And I may not know a lot about love but I know enough to know that that is not love.
So pour yourself another shot of ***** and complain about how no one loves you.
No one will love you because you won’t give them a chance.
Your idea of love is so warped, you do not own a person because you love them,
And they aren’t required to make you their world.
That is why you are in love with the idea of love;
And you are doomed to be in a relationship with infatuation.
You cannot accept your flaws,
To be honest, you probably never will.
You will live in a world being lonely,
As you cry, saying, “I just want someone to hold me.”
All the drugs in the world won’t take away your pain.
So, keep throwing your chances with someone down the drain.
Because you do not want a person to love you.
You want the idea of a person loving you.
But that isn’t what love is about.
You want all of the good times.
You can’t handle the bad.
You only want someone who only gives you attention,
The attention you didn’t get from your deadbeat dad.
So go home and be sad.
Manifest this life you wish you had.
But you won’t allow anyone to truly love you.
Because all you care about is infatuation.

You were the first man to ever break my heart.
I think I was five.
I always looked at you like you had stars in your eyes.
You looked so tough, you acted so cool.
When I grew up I wanted to be just like you.
Then I got older and the stars in your eyes were dull.
You always smelled like cigarettes and your pupils were always huge.
I didn't know what that meant but I still wanted to be just like you.
I wanted to smell like cigarettes,
and I wanted a skull tattoo,
and when I got older, I wanted to be in a rock star.
Anything to impress you.
You were always gone.
I always wondered why you never wanted to stay with me.
As I got older, I slowly understood.
You had another love, and boy, did she treat you good.
I spent so many nights crying.
Wishing that you would stay.
Asking myself what did I do to make you go away.
So, I looked for you in other men,
and I promised myself that I wouldn't let those men break my heart,
and it didn't really matter what they did to me because I was too high on drugs to care;
and I thought that that was love.
Only because you were never there.
Where were you when my cuts kept getting deeper?
Where were you when I was face to face with the grim reaper?
Why do you only come around when you want to give me another empty promise?
I would respect you more if you were just honest.
Thanks for the talk.
Can't wait to hear from you in another year.
Don't waste your breath.
I wont be here.

September 3, 2013:
I really need to stop drinking because I always say and do things that I don’t really mean. I don’t really mean to do the things that I do, do I? Sometimes I don’t even know who I am.

September 5, 2013:
I saw a man today, he was wearing a grey suit with a red tie. He gave me pills, he said that they would help. I don’t know what they’re supposed to help with but I guess I’ll give them a try.

September 10, 2013:
These pills give me headaches. I don’t like them. They make thoughts really fuzzy. I’m going to see the man in the grey suit tomorrow. He said he wanted to check in with me. I hope he can fix this.

September 11, 2013:
The man in the grey suit told me the headaches are normal and that they should subside in a few days. I hope he’s right.

September 20, 2013:
I think the pills are working. I haven’t had a headache in a week, I don’t even feel fuzzy anymore. I think taking these were the right thing to do.

October 1, 2013:
I saw the man in the grey suit today, only today he was wearing a blue suit. A blue suit with a white tie. I finally asked him what his name was. He said that his name is Steven. He said that he wants to discontinue the pills. He thinks that they’re not right for me.
Steven is a nice name.

October 6, 2013:
I woke up covered in a sticky, red liquid. I don’t know where it came from. I don’t remember anything that happened last night. I think I need to visit Steven.

October 6, 2013:
Steven didn’t answer. I’ll try again tomorrow. I should clean up.

October 9, 2013:
I finally was able to talk to Steven. He asked me if I was drinking again. I haven’t had a drink in weeks. Now that I think about it... I never told him about that problem...

October 13, 2013:
I woke up with covered in a sticky, red liquid. There was a girl sitting at my kitchen table wearing a white dress and a trail of sticky, red liquid that lead from the girl to my front door. What a pretty girl. How did she get into my house?

October 21, 2013:
I haven’t been able to ahold of Steven for two weeks. I keep having dreams about the girl sitting at my kitchen table. She won’t stop screaming at me. She’s such a pretty girl.

October 25, 2013:
I need to stop drinking because I always say and do things that I don’t really mean.

October 30, 2013:
I woke up in a room today. A room with white walls and a white bed. I’m in clothes I’ve never seen before. I spoke to a man in a grey suit with a red tie. His name wasn’t Steven. He won’t tell me why I’m here. He told me that I should stop writing for a while.

They say that suicide survivors are usually relieved when they don't succeed their attempt.
Some are even happy.
I am not one of those survivors.
I don't like having to explain why I have such deep scars on my wrist;
Or apologize when I slur and stumble over my words when I'm sober because all of the pills that I overdosed on effected my brain.
I don't like having to live with the realization that I'm even a failure at killing myself.
I have to live not seeing a future.
When people ask me where I see myself in ten years, I have to lie.
I make up some stupid, cliché response like "married with kids." or "super rich with my **** together."
When really I'm actually thinking to myself, "I don't see myself anywhere in ten years because I plan to be dead before then."
I may of made it 18, and to 21, and to 23 but I will be ****** if I make it 30.
There is no future for me.

I always find myself looking back at my life and being thankful that I'm not sixteen anymore.
I think about all of the drugs I was high on.
I think about all of the men that I let touch my body because I was so desperate to be loved.
I think about how mean and angry I was.
I was so desperate to fit society's idea of perfect.
There was no one on this earth that hated me more than myself.

I always find myself looking back on my life and wishing I was 16 again.
I think about all of the adventures I went on.
I think about all of the people that I let touch my heart because I was so desperate to love.
I was so happy and carefree.
I didn't care that I wasn't society's idea of perfect.
No one loved me more than I loved myself.

I think about all of the thing I would change if I was sixteen again.
I think about all of the things I wouldn't change if I was sixteen again.

I think about all of the things I know now,
And I wonder why I'm still struggling to change myself.

Love is letting them wear your fuzzy socks because their feet are cold.
Love is going to get ice cream at 3:00 in the morning because they had a craving for a hot fudge sundae.
Love is making sure all of the blanket are even before you get into bed because they can't sleep if they're not.
Love is sleeping with the fan on even though you hate the noise.
Love is watching the same TV show with them even though they've watched it a million times.
Love is falling asleep to the sound of their snoring.
Love is waking up to their messy hair and naked face and still thinking they're the most beautiful person in the world.
Love is when being with that person feels like coming home.
Love is being someone's home.

When you experience intrusive suicidal thoughts 75% of the time,
You really forget what it feels like to not feel suicidal.
Having those thoughts there consistantly becomes apart of you.
Waking up in the morning and not thinking about ending your life is a breath of fresh air.
Like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.
But there are some days when not feeling suicidal feels strange.
Like a part of me is missing.
And I find myself wondering why I haven't had any intrusive thoughts in days.
Not that anyone actually wants to have suicidal thoughts.
You see,
I always talk about getting better.
How I want to get better.
But what is ¨better¨?
I didn´t hurt myself today.
I took a shower.
I went into society and talked to people.
Is that being better?
Has my mental illness completely disappeared?
No.
My brain chemicals are still imbalanced.
Today I was just able to function more than I did yesterday.
And maybe tomorrow I will function even more than I did today.
Every day I am growing,  and learning,  and coping.
But I will not ever be better.
I will simply be a different person than I was the day before.

You are like the ocean.
Beautiful and mysterious.
I want to explore every inch of you.

You are like the forest.
Calm and quiet.
I could get lost in you for hours.

You are like the breeze on a summer day.
Warm and comforting.
Let me soak you into my skin.

You are like a flower.
You have rooted yourself into my heart.
Let me help you grow.

Bars.
Footballs.
Blue.
Peach.
Green.
Enter my bloodstream.
Help me forget,
All of the things I don't want to remember.
The demons within.
Grasp me in your strong arms. Don't let me go.
My eyes are getting sleepy.
Time is moving slow.
You make me forget my fears.
I've forgotten how to function without you.
You're always around when I'm in my lows.
You bring me up so high.
I don't want to come back down.
You are like my best friend.
With you it's hard to wear a frown.
I would let you ruin my life.
It could be just us two.
Without you I am nothing.
I am always feeling blue.

She is a monster in the back of my head.
Every bite of food fills me with dread.
“Don’t eat that, you’re already so fat.”
“0 calories a day will make your stomach flat.”
She comes to me in my dreams,
So sickly, so thin.
Her name is Ana.
She is the demon within.
She will pretend to be your friend
Just to get inside your head;
And she will hold on tight.
She will cover you in darkness.
She will mock you out of spite.
She does not forgive.
She does not forget.
Letting her in will be your biggest regret.

The universe has it's way of treating us.
Giving us love,
and hope,
and happiness.
The universe has it's way of testing us.
Giving us hate,
and loss,
and sadness.
Lessons.
Everything we experience is a lesson.
To help us learn.
To help us grow.
Sometimes people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever.
Hold on to the ones that are.
Fight for what you believe in.
Know when to give up.
In the end, you will find your balance.
You will find yourself.

I wake up just in time to watch the sun set on the horizon.
I stay up all night to watch it rise again.
3:00am is when I demons start to roam,
And before I know it my sadness becomes my home.
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol that I know I don't need.
I do it to stop the craving of wanting to watch myself bleed.
I look at the scars that cover my skin.
They mock me, I'm trying so hard not to give in.
I sleep all day so I don't have to fake a smile.
I wish happiness was a mood that stayed for a while.

I wake up just in time to watch the sun set on the horizon.
I stay up all night to watch it rise again.

I never used to believe in marriage.
I always thought that it was a silly piece of paper.
I thought that is was ridiculous that you had to sign away your life to someone in order to prove that you loved them.
But then I met you.
I now understand what it means to want to devote yourself to someone for the rest of your life.
I understand why people spend most of their life searching for something that not everyone is lucky enough to find.
Love is painful.
Love is complicated.
Love is so ******* beautiful,
And powerful.
Marriage is not just a piece of paper to me anymore.
It is a bond that you are meant to share with one person for the rest of your life.
The person that you would do anything for.
The person that you want to see every day when you wake up in the morning;
And who you want to fall asleep next to when you go to bed at night.
The person that you would die for.
Who would you die for?

Hello my friend,
You have been gone for too long.
A hug that was once so warm and comforting has left me hollow and cold.
You have latched yourself back onto me.
Your grip is so strong.
I do not want you here.
So, please, please be gone.
I cannot hold onto you the way I once did.
You are so toxic to me.
It's getting hard to breathe.
I will not let you control my life,
not like you did before.
You do not own me.
Get out of my head.
This temple I have built.
I am stronger now.
I will not be filled with guilt.
You are a small part of my life,
you are not my world.
I refuse to let myself drown
in the darkness that you are.
I will come back on top  
and you can watch from afar.
One day I will be strong enough to not fall back into your arms.

A cloud sits upon my brain.
Blood runs down the drain.
I cannot feel any pain.

My stomach is tied in knots.
Food in the cupboard rots.
I am a product of negative thoughts.

Sleep until the sun sets.
Waking up in cold sweats.
Keep smoking those cigarettes.

Blood runs down the drain.
I cannot feel any pain.

I love him and he loves me.
He doesn't mind the scars that cover my body or my crooked teeth.
He takes care of me when I cry for no reason and when I can't get out of bed in the morning.
He doesn't mind that I complain about everything and anything.
He makes me laugh, he makes me smile,
He helps me get through the days where all I see is darkness.
He tells me I'm pretty even when I don't shower for 3 days because I'm too weak to stand.
He loves me and I love him.
I love the way he looks at me when we're getting ready to fall asleep.
I love how bright his eyes get when he talks about his dreams and ambitions.
I love the way he laughs.
I love how angry he gets when he's hungry and how cute he looks when he eats.
Being with him is like coming home.
He is my home.

He says he likes coffee but if you really knew him you would know that his taste for coffee is actually cream and sugar with splash of coffee.
You would know that he hates the taste of tea because it reminds him of ***** dish water.
He always gets mad when he falls asleep early because he thinks he's going to miss out on things.
If you knew him you would know that when he says he's going to lay down and relax, he actually means he's going to take a 6 hour nap.
You would know that he likes to turn every single light on when he comes home;
And that he hates to take his shoes off.
You would know that he's terrible with directions and he gets super annoyed when he gets lost.
Don't get upset with him, though. He hates it when he feels stupid.
But he's not stupid.
He is so intelligent and ambitious.
He is the most caring and genuine person you will ever meet.
His eyes are like chocolate and his smile could light up an entire room.
His skin is like caramel, warm and smooth.
He has a voice that is calm and comforting; Like a lullaby that will put me to sleep.
He puts his heart and soul into everything he loves.
And I am the one who was lucky enough for him to love the most.

I wish I had a time machine.
I would go back to our very first dinner date,
that time I took us out for a sushi and you held my hand from across the table;
And I got nervous because no one had ever done that to me before.
I would go back to the night I fell in love with you,
and I would watch myself start to cry because in that moment, I knew that you were the one.
I would go back to the night you asked me to marry you.
When I asked you if you were serious and you had a big, stupid grin on your face when I said yes.
I would go back to our very first fight.
That silly fight of me getting mad at you because we made plans and you had to cancel at the last minute because you had to babysit your brother.
I would take a million canceld plans just to call you mine again.
I would go back to when we got approved for our very first apartment.
We went to Panera bread, and you ordered mac and cheese, and we celebrated the beginning of our life together.
We were only focused on how much we loved each other.
I would go back to Thankgiving last year.
I would watch how happy we were.
I would watch you interact with my family.
I would watch how in love we were.
I would watch my dad tell me that I found a good one, and how I better not **** it up.
I would go back to February 16th, 2017.
I would pick myself up and I would tell myself to get back to work.
I would tell myself that I would lose my home, and I would lose the most important person in my life.
That I was going to lose the only person that I have ever truly loved.
Now I am an empty shell;
And I know I have to find myself.
But how can I find myself when all I see is you?

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like loneliness.
It reminded me of when we broke up.
And when I cried myself to sleep for days because you weren't mine anymore.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like sorrow.
It reminded me of that time when I was eighteen and I saw that you moved on.
And I drank until I couldn't walk every single day that week because I knew you weren't coming back.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like anger.
It reminded me of the way you didn't care when I walked in on you sleeping with another guy.
And I chased an entire bottle of sleeping pills with a glass of wine because I would of rather died than replay that image in my head.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
And I will drink an entire bottle of wine tomorrow; and I will pray that one day I won't have to drink an entire bottle of wine to forget you.

Every day I am changing.
I was so lost.
So far gone.
Then there you were.
You saved me.
When I needed to save myself.
Every ounce of effort that I put into fixing myself was for you.
And instead of fixing myself, I broke you, too.
And you poured yourself into me, hoping to fix all the cracks.
And I had nothing to give back.
And soon enough, even you didn't make me smile anymore.
Everything went black.
Instead of falling in love with you, I fell in love with sadness.
And the sadness consumed me,
Like it hadn't eaten in years.
My eyes didn't light up anymore.
My skin became dull.
But there you were,
And you still tried to save me.
But even you became tired.
And you couldn't try to save me anymore.
And I'm sorry.
Today I will save you while I try to save myself.
And tomorrow I will only save myself while you try to save yourself.
Because every day I'm changing.
I am changing for you.
But I am mostly changing for me.

Every day I wake up feeling like a different person.
I have different thoughts.
Different feelings.
Different goals.
Some days I am unsure of who I am.
Some days I feel like I am exactly where I need to be.
Some days my body aches and a simple task like brushing my teeth exhausts me.
Some days I feel like I can do a million things at once and I can't sit still.
My mind is always moving.
I constantly need a change.
Being capable of doing the same thing for a long period of time has never been normal for me.
Always changing.
Always moving.
I've tried so hard to settle down.
To stay in one place.
To be normal.
What is normal, anyway?
Maybe I'm not meant to stay in one place.
Isn't that what life is supposed to be about?
Seeing new things.
Meeting new people.
Making memories.
So maybe I don't always know who I am.
But if I did know, I don't think life would be as fun.

I am a monster created by the thoughts in my own head.
I will make you feel like you are the most important person in the world,
Then in the same breath I will make you feel like you are worthless.
I will tell you all of the things that make you beautiful and then point out all of your flaws.
I will take up all of your attention,
and then I will threaten to **** myself if you decide to leave.
I will love and cherish you,
I will hate and despise your existence.
I will do something wrong and pretend I am the victim when you confront me about it.
I will take everything you have,
And I will leave you when your world crumbles.

The days are shorter and the nights have grown cold.
I pick myself apart because I'm tired of getting old.
I thought I pushed those demons down to my core,
but I'm still searching for that next score.
I guess that makes me a liar.
I thought I was getting better but what is getting better, anyway?
I'm just another sad kid from a ****** mid-western town;
and the winters hurt my bones,
and I'm so tired of feeling alone.
I spent so many summers planning my future.
Where will I go?
Who will I see?
Searching and searching for a better part of me.
Constantly fighting with the dark side of my brain.
I tell myself that I will do better,
and I wont let those demons win.
But my demons always win.
I guess that makes me a liar.
Counting the scars that haunt my skin that was once so clean.
So pure. So beautiful.
I search for that version of me that is so clean.
So pure. So beautiful.
She is no longer here.
She wont ever be.
How am I supposed to let people know who I am,
when I don't even know who I am?
I've worked so hard,
with nothing to show,
and I'm losing sight of what's in front of me.
Unsure of what direction to go;
And I'm so lonely,
and love isn't enough,
and I don't really know what love is, anyway.
People always leave when times get rough.
They stay around for the good but never the bad.
But what happens when I'm always bad and never good?
I ******* needed you.
But I'm still a liar.

Your eyes are like pools of honey.
You keep me warm like the skies are sunny.
My soul burns for you.
You are my love story
Basking in our glory.
Oh my love,
My soul burns for you.
I am the locket, you are the key,
You opened me up and set me free.
Love me like the sky loves the sea.
Set my heart on fire,
Tell me all of your desires.
My soul burns for you.
Wake me up like a cup of coffee
On a cold winter day.
Wrap me up,
Let’s sleep the night away.
My soul burns for you.

I am a storm that destroys everything in it's path. I will love you and obsess over you and then I will push you away because I will get bored of you.

Dear Future Partner;
I am like the sea. I am calm and beautiful until something becomes difficult. I will drown you in my sorrows and force you to feel my agony.

Dear Future Partner;
I am like a flower. I will plant my roots into your heart and I will let you rip off my petals one by one until I have nothing left to grow for you.

Dear Future Partner;
I am the wind on a cold winter day. I will suffocate you. My bite will chill you to the bone; and like the winter, my grey days will make you grow tired of me.

Dear Future Partner;
I am the sun on a warm summer day. I will give you my warmth. I will wrap you in my arms and let you soak me into your skin.

Dear Future Partner;
If you want to fall in love with me... Don't.

You can have everything you've ever wanted and still want to end your own life.
That is not beautiful.
How do you build a life for yourself when all you've ever known is darkness?
How do you make yourself happy when it's so comforting being sad?
That is not beautiful.
You decide when you're fifteen years old that it doesn't matter if you succeed in school because you wont live until you're eighteen.
You based your entire adult life on the chance that one day you are going to succeed at killing yourself.
That is going to be the one thing you're successful at.
That is not beautiful.
Having to explain why there are deep scars on your body is not beautiful.
Having the people you love and care about visit you in the hospital and seeing the sad and tired looks on their face is not beautiful.
It's sad, and it's awful, and it's exhausting.
It hurts. It ******* hurts.

Self love.
Two words that are practically foregin to me.
I have never been known to love myself.
Someone is always better.
Thinner.
Smarter.
Prettier.
Always comparing myself.
Always self loathing.
I wanted to be better.
Thinner.
Smarter.
Prettier.
So I stopped eating and I stopped going out in public with no make up on.
And I pretended that I knew about all of these different places and things; even though I really had no interest in those things or places.
And I would go home and cry and I started leaving scars on my beautiful, clean skin.
Because no matter how much make up I put on my face,
Or how many days I went without a bite of food;
Or how many things I pretended to know;
I still wasn't better than someone else.
There was still always someone better.
And now I look at the body that I destroyed.
And my skin isn't beautiful and clean anymore.
And my teeth are stained yellow from all of the cigarettes.
And my eyes have dark circles under them from the nights I spent crying;
Trying so hard to be perfect.
And that's okay.
I am finally okay with not being perfect.
I am ready to love myself.

There are days when being alive feels so good.
For a while it was what I looked forward to.
Every time I had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, I would tell myself that one day I’m going to wake up and love life again.
I’m afraid it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.
Living for other people is exhausting.
Why would I stay alive to let other people love me
When I can’t even love myself?

"Sometimes the people we're close with aren't meant to be our lovers; that's what ruins it. I guess that's pretty sad, too."

"You are so lovely and I am such a mess. But you love me, and that is enough for me."

"I don't see the point in waking up if I'm not waking up next to you."

"I crave kissing you the way people craving drugs. I am addicted to you."

"You are what is on my mind when I am drunk and alone."

"I still think about her and it ******* kills because if she were to talk to me, I would talk back in a heart beat."

"Self destructive people do self destructive things, babe."

"Sometimes I wish I killed myself before I started getting better because now that I'm better, I live in the fear of getting bad again."

"And if you hear me talk about her now, you won’t believe me when I tell you that I was in love with her. Even the thought of her makes me want to *****."

You think the world owes you something.
Well, honey, life don’t work that way.
Always walking around with something negative to say.
You talk about your life being a drag
Rolling a joint with your last zigzag.
Wondering why the universe didn’t give you the life you think you deserve
When you didn’t even try to put in the hard work.
You’re nothing but a ****.
Oh, poor me,
Wallowing in your self pity,
Cracking jokes that you think are witty.
Tired of living in this city.
You can run from your problems but you can’t hide
From those demons that are trapped inside.
Still searching for a free ride.
Who let your head get so ******* big?
Acting like a pig.
In a hole that is getting deeper
Still running from the grim reaper.
Your soul is getting weaker.
No one likes an attention seeker.

But how do I be happy
when I'm so comfortable being sad?

It's so easy to become comfortable with the highs and lows.
So comfortable that feeling level feels so forigne sometimes.
Like going outside in my underwear.
Like sleeping without a blanket.
Like walking around with your shoes untied.

I feel like I'm suffocating.
I can't get enough air.
Every inch of my body aches.
I say I'm coming down with a cold,
But I already know that's not what it is.
I know this feeling too well.
Depression.
I feel like a plastic bag has been put over my head and I can't get it off.
I feel like I'm stuck in a pit of quicksand.
Like I've been covered in honey.
Like a weight has been placed on my chest.
I sleep and I'm still tired.
The highs are too high and the lows are too low.

When I was young, I became infatuated with a girl.
She had hair like the sun and eyes like the sky.
She was in love but she was not in love with me.
I did not understand why she stayed around someone who made her so unhappy.
At the time I had no experience when it came to long term relationships.
I didn't even know what love really was.
I didn't believe that I was ever going to find it.
So, naturally, I was crushed when she did not choose me.
I did not understand why she was with someone for so long who seemed to make her unhappy.
She is now married;
and I now understand why she did not give up everything that she built with that person.
Love is hard.
It is ugly.
It is painful.
Oh, but it is magical;
and when you fall in love, I don't believe you ever truly fall out of love.

I miss the nights where we could fall asleep in each other's arms.
You tracing circles with your finger tips on my skin.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and rolling over to give you a tired kiss.
Most nights are so lonely without you here.
I don't feel whole without you by my side.
I miss staying up late in our home.
The home that we built together.
I know it wasn't perfect,
But it was perfect for me.
I miss laying in bed with you half naked.
Making each other laugh until we cried.
I miss coming home to your sweet smile and those hugs from behind.
You made me feel wanted.
You made me feel safe.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I've never felt more alone.

I should be thinking about how great my future is going to be but instead I’m thinking about ways to **** myself;
and that’s not beautiful or poetic.
It’s sad.

Every year I spend with you is like writing a new book in my head.
New adventures.
New challenges.
New moments.
New memories.
There are arguments, and pain,  and words that we didn't mean.
But we always came back to each other;
And our love was stronger every time.
No relationship is perfect because no human on this earth is perfect;
But I swear, when I'm with you, everything feels perfect.
You are perfection to me.
I never knew loving someone unconditionally could be so easy.
Loving you has become as easy as breathing.
And even after all these years of trial and error,
You still give me butterflies,
Just like you did when we first met.
You make my heart beat fast,
And every kiss feels like our first.
I don't want to wake up next to anyone that's not you.

I miss staying up all night with you.
We wouldn't even notice the sun rising because we were too focused on loving each other.
I miss when I would get drunk and you would laugh at me because I would stumble over my words.
But I wouldn't care that I looked like an idiot because nothing warmed my heart more than seeing that smile of yours.
I miss arguing with you about where we should go to eat.
And I miss when you would get mad at me when I said "I don't know."
I miss how your eyes would sparkle whenever you tickled me.
I know I always said I hate when you do that, but I secretly enjoyed it.
You never realize the things you would miss when they're not there anymore.
I miss kissing you at red lights,
And resting my hand on your leg when you drive.
I miss how comfortable you made me feel.
You made me feel like I was capable of achieving anything.
And I knew I could do it because I had you by my side.
I would give up everything to have you here with me.
I sleep with my fan on now.
I only use one blanket.

I've been reflecting a lot on life recently;
And I never got to thank you.
I also never got to tell you that you were right.
I did find a life partner and he loves me a lot, and I love him.
I got a pet with them and we shared a home.
I don't hurt myself anymore,
And most days I feel alive,
And I feel happy.
I've been thinking about how I got here,
And how hard it's been for me to recover.
But even through the darkest of times, you were there;
And I know that you're still here regardless of how often we speak to each other.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for believing for me when I couldn't.
Thank you for letting me share my deepest, darkest secrets and for sharing yours with me.
I'm so glad you talked to me on that day in April many years ago.
I miss our Skype calls,
And when you would play jokes on me.
I miss staying up for hours and losing sleep just to talk to you,
And when you would show me the beautiful art you created.
I'm sorry I got distant.
I wish I could go back in time.
Change some of the things I did.
You are so beautiful.
Every time I see a post of yours, I can't help but smile.
You've overcome and accomplished so much.
I'm so proud of you.
And every time I look back on that part of my life, it's always you that I think about.
You were the one who helped me fight.
You were the one who made me feel like I could achieve anything.
We made it.

You are the stars and I am the moon.
Patiently waiting, knowing I’ll get to see you soon.
Your voice is the melody to a song that I can’t get out of my head.
I could get lost in you;
just the sheets, our bodies, and a bed.
So let’s go somewhere we can quietly roam.
I don’t want to be found because when I’m with you I’m already home.
We can conquer anything, just you and me. You can be my sky and I’ll be your sea.

I am swimming in the sea.
The water is warm.
The sun is kissing my skin.
I am floating.

               I am drowning in the sea.
               The water is cold.
               The sky has clouds.
               I am sinking.

Some days I feel like I am under water.
Some days I am afloat.
Some days I am a mixture of both.

I've cried myself to sleep every night this week.
Even when I sleep, you are in my dreams.
I dream about you kissing someone that isn't me;
And I wake up gasping for air because that dream makes it hard to breathe.
I keep replaying everything I've done wrong,
to try to figure out why you have stopped loving me.

Woke up.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Cleaned the bathroom.
Cleaned the living room.
Cooked food.
Didn't eat.
Cleaned the kitchen again.
Got uncontrollably angry because I couldn't get a stain out of the carpet.
Punched a wall.
Laughed hysterically at myself for 20 minutes.
Had a panic attack and cried hysterically for no reason.
Forgot to eat.
Can't stop pacing.
Can't stop talking.
And talking.
And talking.
And talking.
Thought about killing myself.
Decided it would be more fun to stay alive.
I wouldn't die anyway.
I'm invinsable.
It's 4:00am now.
I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to.

You wear a mask like it’s some sort of disguise;
And you shift back and forth with sadness in your eyes.
The only thing pouring out of your mouth is a web of lies.
You lay in bed,
Voices in your head,
Wishing you were dead.
The saddest story I have ever read.

I was thinking today,
About how funny life is.
I was thinking about the struggles;
And how lonely this world gets.
I was thinking about the sun rising every day;
And I was wondering what has kept me here.
We get so lost in the chaos and the catastrophe
That we forget about what's beautiful.
The sun rising every day is beautiful.
The moon that sits in the sky at night is beautiful.
Being alive, it can be beautiful.
And most people are too bitter to remember that.
Fall in love with life.
Embrace what the universe has to offer.
Embrace what the universe can take away.
It's okay to not feel okay.
It's okay to be alive.

I'm not going anywhere.
I'm running in circles expecting a different outcome every time.
I try so hard to make myself change yet everything stays the same.
I focus on the negatives but it's hard to focus on the positives when there's not really anything to be positive about.
People love me?
People will miss me if I died?
But I would be dead so none of that would effect me.
What's effecting me right now is what matters to me.
And as of right now, I'm struggling to keep going.
And I really don't care if I died.
And if I knew I wouldn't throw up all of the pills I want to take,
If I knew I would bleed out when I leave a hole in my wrist,
If I had a rope to hang from,
Or a high place to fall,
I would do it.
And I would be gone.
And I wouldn't matter anymore.
None of this would matter anymore.
And people who I know don't give two ***** about me will attend my funeral,
And they will pretend like they're sad.
But none of that would matter because I wouldn't be here.
Because I don't ******* matter.

I look at myself in the mirror and I do not recognize what I see.
Those eyes,
They are not mine.
They are empty and cold.
I am not who I once was.
Maybe I am in a dream.
This person is not who I am supposed to be.