It's not that I don't want to live
And find out who my wife will be
Or see my children born
And raise them to be just like me

It's not that I don't love my friends
or hate the adventures and company
They numb the pain and heartache
Even though it's temporary

I know my siblings, my parents,
grandparents, hell my whole family
will cry and weep at my funeral
and the news of "A Self Hanging"

I understand I'm not bad
I know that they love me
It's not about being hated
Or thinking I'm not worthy

I just want the pain to stop

I don't know when it started
Or what sets it off
Or why I'm weak
Or why I cry myself to sleep

I just want the pain to stop

I feel alone
I know I'm not alone but
Knowledge doesn't **** emotion

But I know what will

I raise my glass
To feel numb one more time
One more time before
I never have to feel

Ever again.

You see,
What does it mean to 'be yourself'?
I wonder,
'Set yourself apart from the others'
'Unleash your true colours'
'Be confident! love yourself for who you are'
Is what I've heard.

You see,
What does it really mean to 'be yourself'?
I wonder,
A conformist is what I've become,
Bound by the wall of mediocrity,
And then it struck,
When? Where? Why?
What exactly happened along the way?

You see,
When I was a kid,
I dream a lot,
The things I hate,
The things I love,
Clear as a day,
Showing it, is what I did,
Free as the wind,
I am,

Again,
What happened?
Life happened,
Is that it?
Do we not change?
Can we even change?

You see,
As we grow older,
Our dream,
The things we love,
The things we hate,
Changes,
And so do we,

So,
Embrace it,
Better late than never,
To start,
Being yourself.

-nuraishahazman-

I woke up at 3 in the morning,
With this unquenchable thirst,
For the love I never had,
For the love I have yet to have? Maybe,

Silently, pondering,
Will I ever be in love?
How does it feel to be out of love?
When it does not even come across my way,

This desire,
I suppress,
And the deeper I bury it,
The more I long for it,

The love that never exists.

The surge of emotions,
Like whirlwind they are,
It blows you away,
Swept you along,
Till you fall deep, deeper,
Into it.

She noticed,
The leaves were rustling,
The breeze..
                  gently brushes her cheek,
It feels..
               comforting,

Often, she forgets,
How even in the simplest of things,
The feeling of joy? Love? Hope?
Is there,
                everywhere,

Just a moment,

To breathe in
                 and let it out,
And she feels it, noticed it,
Treasures it.

Love is a stranger,
She tries picturing it,
Grasping the concept of this thing called ‘LOVE’,
It’s everywhere,
Everything she sees, everything she hears about,
Or so it seems.

Doubts, and more doubts,
She’s troubled,
What is love?

Then,
She realised,
How certain was it that what she saw and heard was, ‘LOVE’?
The question remains unanswered,
And still, to her,
Love is a stranger.

I see an ugly side of me that no one else can see,
And I wonder what would they do if they see this part of me,
This ugly, hideous, part of me,
Longing to be fixed, controlled, repaired.

Each time I try to change for the better,
Inevitably, I keep on succumbing myself to it, ****** in it,
Tormenting myself, and regretting what I've done, eventually,
Without fail, again and again,
Repeating the act.

Who am I lying to?
Not the world, but myself,
And who do I put the blame onto?
Not the world, but myself,
It's binding me tightly,
I can't get free,
Will never ever be.