I regret a lot of things,
But the thing I regret the most is letting her go.
Having her in my hands,
And releasing her,
Letting her slip away.
Because I was afraid of the oppression,
And hate,
That might come,
If I was to call that pretty little,
Tom boy girl,
With the brown hair and the green eyes,
"mine".

I'm strong.
I am strong.
I will not,
And can not,
Let this take me over.
No, not again.
For I fear that I am only one relapse,
Two at most,
Away from my final demise.

Why is religion a bad tool
Used to turn a general nice person
Into a raging political *******?

God should be used as love
And a light for your path
Not as a weapon.

Lets go back to the beginning,
Back to before I knew you,
And before you knew me,
Back to when you were just a familiar face,
Back to when we were practically strangers.
We need a reset.

How does one sleep?
Because apparently I dont know how.
I lie here awake,
Thinking,
And day dreaming,
About everything.
Never letting my brain shut down,
And get what it desperately needs,
Rest.

I try to write a poem,
I try to make it rhyme,
But with every passing line,
I ***** up time after time.

Love is like a ribbon.
In order to make a bow you have to have the other side there too.

You become annoyed by a flash,
make a rude comment,
and go on with our day.
A wasted breath,
The pictures you hate are the ones I savor.

Let me tell you a little story.
A story of a girl named Rose.
She was my best friend.
The quiet girl with the kindest soul.
She never spoke in public but once we were alone she would never shut up.
She was the prettiest girl I have ever laid my eyes upon, the prettiest girl I have ever laid my hands on.
The prettiest girl I have ever loved.

When I met her, she was cliche.
She had stick straight red hair, glasses, freckles, skinny, and always had a book in her hand.

When she died she looked like death was her personal designer with a gay sidekick.

I could spend years describing this beautiful girl I called Rosie, but you would never be able to fully comprehend her beauty because I have no proof of the girl she once was.

A beautiful red rose.

Every time you take a blade to your skin,
You flirt,
And play with death.
You toy with it,
Likes its a thorn on a beautiful,
Blood.
Red.
Rose.

I want to play a game of Russian Roulette,
But I dont want a partner,
So honey sit down.
This way,
In the end,
I'm the winner,
No matter what.

It was my sanctuary,
My place of peace,
And love.
It was my safe haven.
It WAS,
But it's not anymore.
It was the one place where my thoughts were free of turmoil.
I didn't have any bad thoughts,
Not one...
Until tonight.
The thoughts came creeping up on me,
They surrounded me,
And my world shattered.
It is still my sanctuary,
But its not the same...
Its not as safe.
Its tainted.

Running in sand is like chasing your tail. You're not going to get very far but you're gonna waste a lot of energy.

The light that was hope at the end of the tunnel,
It just got blew out by Satan himself.

I like my body when it's with you. You make me feel perfectly imperfect. You're my greatest cheerleader and my worst critic. You know me better than anyone else. You've seen me at my worst, and somehow still want to stick around to see me at my best. You hold the roadmap to my body, knowing every curve, taking some at 110 miles per hour. You know my boundaries and you push my limits. I feel on top of the world when I'm with you. There are days where I'm starved for your touch, the same one that makes me feel loved. You took the quiet girl and made her scream. "Scream for daddy." I've told you once, and I'll say it again. You've got me ******. I've tried. I can't kiss anyone else without thinking of you. You're my best friend, and I wouldn't trade you for the world. But you've got me ******. You make me want to scream in frustration, in excitement, in moans of pleasure, in gasps of pain. Your hands feel like lightning and they're just as powerful with each strike. You take my breath away in a heartbeat. Each shake of my leg is beg for your touch. Is that what I have to do? Beg? Please daddy, harder. You make me want you in every way.

Perhaps if we are to meet again it will be in a different a life and a different body. Perhaps you'll look at me and smile, have a serious case of deja vu, and try again. A true example of second chances.

No one knows,
Whats secretly going on,
Behind the locked doors of your mind.
You're the only one with a key.
If you keep it in,
It will go crazy...
Let a bit out,
Dont fight the secret war alone.

I am so tired.
I wake up every day more exhausted than the last.
I’m tired of fighting my body,
Through a war I know I cannot win.
I feel like I’m constantly fighting gravity just to stand on my own two feet.
I don’t trust myself when I’m alone,
And I only feel alive when I’m with you,
So please don’t get mad if I hug you a little bit longer,
Or ask to hold your hand,
Because I am so tired
And you are what I’m fighting for.

You have to learn to be content with sleeping on your own,
With sitting by yourself,
With singing by yourself.
You have to learn to be content with thinking on your own,
With singing by yourself,
With fighting by yourself.
You have to learn to be content with being on your own.

How is it possible...
To hate yourself as much as I do?
To look down at yourself,
And break out in tears because of what you see.
And there's nothing you can do about it,
But try to change,
And be somebody you aren't.
Try to be the same person,
With a different shell,
And be perfect.
How can you hate yourself to the point you want to get rid of yourself,
Or to the point that you cut and bruise,
And starve.
How can you hate yourself as much as I do?
How does one be happy?

My sexuality is more fluid than water
And cannot be defined
By simple
Text book definition terms
Created by man
To force me into a mold
And put me in the freezer
To stay there frozen forever
As if I was water
My sexuality is not me
But it is part of me
And did I not just say
My sexuality is more fluid than water.

The shadows are beautiful,
Amazing,
Little creations.
They can hide what we want hidden,
But they also hold the key to our fears.
The shadows are all knowing.
They have our secrets.
Secrets of love,
Passion,
Mistakes.
They also have our worst nightmares.
The nightmares twirl around our secrets,
And keep them captive.
The shadows,
So dark,
So lovely.
So dangerous.

Shame is an odd and curious thing.
It makes you feel like the lesser,
But it's a figment of your own imagination,
Put onto you by someone no other than yourself.

I write as of nobody listens
As if nobody cares
My soul within the words glistens
And yet I continue to share.

I was sad,
And broken...
I felt alone.
I felt like no one understood the way I felt.
But she did.
She let me know-
That I wasn't alone,
And that she loved me.
I felt a little better.
There was now a possibility that someone knew how I felt,
And knew what the demons were whispering in my ear.
Shes there for me.
Shes my love.

Tear drops run down her face,
She craves you,
And your soft,
Warm embrace.
She misses you so much,
But she knows you had to go,
Still,
She wants you.
Nothing can change it,
It was forbidden love,
Every single bit of it.
But it doesn't matter,
She only wants you.
Her parents,
They scream,
And rage,
About all the wrong,
And little things.
But it doesn't matter to her,
You are all she wants.
She wants your soft chest,
To lay on,
She wants your eyes,
To stare at anytime she wants.
No matter what anyone says,
Or the looks they give,
She still wants you.

Shh,
Dont speak.
Treasure this moment,
Hold on to it,
Then file it in your memories,
You never know when we will have the possibility of this moment again.
So dont speak,
Just shut your lips,
And come in close.
Treasure this moment,
Forever and always.

You actually like my poetry?
Why?
Its just the words of a broken nobody.
Its ****.

I chose the steps as my place to write
Because the steps are my place where I sit and think night after night.
My never ending thoughts of blood pouring from my arm
Physically inflicting myself with enough harm
To end this life all together
Because let's be honest nothing lasts forever.
But tonight my steps are an analogy
For everything that could possibly be
Because although they are nothing but a stairwell
They paint a mental picture for me of descending into hell.
I know it's only to the basement that they lead
But I panic and begin to plead;
"Dear God if you would
Free my soul from only the things that you could.
I feel that my sins have caused too much heart ache
That maybe it would be a mistake
To help me at all."
Because I'm just a simple girl who took a great fall
Out of my saviors hands
And into the corrupted land.
Night after night I say I apologize
But I feel that it's nothing but lies
Because I only repeat the same sins
Without change time and time again.
And yet I still ask for forgiveness
To create this temporary internal bliss
That will flee my heart
Faster than a flying dart.
Because my mind is black
Tainted too much to ever go back
To it's original form.
Therefore I am stuck in a dorm
With death as my lover and roommate
And a nightly date.
Time to get ready
Because me and death, we're going steady.

Be strong, be thin, be smart, be small.
No food.
You're not really hungry you just think you are.
Don't eat. It's not worth it.
You're at fat ***. That's what you see and what others around you see.
Your image and how others see you is worth more than a meal.
Be an actress.
The greatest act you will ever put on is making people think you're happy living life this way.
100 down.
100 more to go.
Strive on and stay strong.

Tell me something darling,
Can you please tell me this?
Why?
Why does God hate some of his children,
And love others?
Why,
According to you,
Does God hate his gay children?
He made them,
Just like he made his straight one's,
Did he not?
What ever happened to what the good book says?
It says that we who believe,
Are God's children,
And that God loves all his children.
You scream that we are sinners,
You say that we're going to Hell.
Aren't all people sinners?
It's in our nature.
And will you please,
Oh please,
Tell me one more thing.
Why is a person who sees past gender barriers,
And doesn't judge,
And is happy,
Who loves another person,
Why does that condemn their soul?
And make them a sinner,
When hating someone doesn't?
Tell me this,
God,
Why is love a sin?

I'm sitting here,
In the dark,
In the corner,
Singing.
To me,
Its comforting.
But to someone who the scene is new to,
The scene of a child,
Rocking back and forth,
Singing.
That wouldn't be comforting,
Creepy instead.

What evil sin did I commit
To deserve this Hell?

Alcohol calls me like a siren to the sea.

You started out with me,
You were part of my family.
You called me *****.
And then you got ****** away from me.
I didn't see you for 3 and a half long,
Agonizing years.
And then all of a sudden you were back with us.
You don't remember me anymore,
I used to be your favorite person.
You stayed for a few months,
Long enough to get to know me,
Start to love me,
And call me ***** again,
And then,
You got ****** away.
Its been a year now,
And I've barley seen you.
I hear you're coming back,
To stay,
Possibly for good.
I hope you do,
I fear that if not,
One day the memories of me will fade,
And I'll be nothing but a stranger.
Your big sister will be nothing to you,
But a semi-familiar face in old photographs.

When you're sixteen you have the illusion that your invincible, that life never ends and you cant be touched, a weak since of morality. But the fact is, everyone's being is riding on a pulse. Death is inconsiderate of age, no matter if he was only sixteen and the other only eighteen.

I hope you're up there playing football with the pros, you used to tell me that was your dream,
before you passed...at only sixteen.

Oh, so I'm the ****?
How's that?
When the only person I've slept with
Is the one you call darlin
You know the one
My batman
How is it that I'm the ****
When you've slept with everyone
On Gods green earth?
Watch what you say ***,
I'm not your mirror.
****.

You see,
When you grow up in a place such as I have,
And you're a person like me,
You start to have a special kind of hatred for small towns.

In my town,
In the land of the brave,
And the home of the free,
Things are messed up.
Our motto should be-
Land of the cowards,
And the home of the free (if you're like us).
...They wouldn't even know how to spell you're correctly.

In my town,
Bibles are thrown,
Names are called,
Cars are keyed,
And people are beat...
All because they're different.

Its not necessarily the different that you would imagine.
If you're red headed,
Or anything but Christian,
If you're a yank,
Or a gay,
You're hated on.
I can promise you this.

At the red heads,
They accuse them of witch craft,
And being in line with the devil.
Some have even went so far,
As to burn down ones house.

If you're not a Christan,
Run as far away from this town as possible.
Its not the place for you.
On the road I live on,
There are 7 Southern Baptist churches,
JUST on my road.
Southern Baptist are a little crazy,
Run boy,
Run.

If you're a yank....
You'll be excluded,
And yelled at.
Everything bad that goes on in this **** town,
It will all be blamed on you.

If you're gay,
Oh lord forbid that you're gay.
Don't be gay in this town,
Just dont.
You wont survive.

As for me,
I am a red headed girl,
Who comes from out of town,
Who isn't a yank,
But is still treated like one.
I am a Christan,
But not as much as I need to be,
And I am not quite straight.

I dont like this small town of mine,
But its the place I call home.

Throughout all the pain,
I still stand there,
Smiling.
I cant be weak,
I cant show how scared I am.
I have to stay strong,
Hold back the tears,
And smile.

Do you ever have that one song stuck in your head?
Its stuck in there for weeks and you dont know why...
You cant remember all the lyrics,
So you go look it up,
And you learn,
And then you understand.
You understand why its been in your head,
Its the story of your life.

Music is my escape,
And my way out of the world.
With every emotion I feel,
There's a song that's just right for it...
Except for one emotion.
There's all these songs about love,
But only a few about girls who had loved other girls.
I'm in search for the perfect one,
Something I may have to create myself.

There are so many ways,
So many empty ways to say 1 word.
Sorry.
Am I sorry?
Do I really mean it?
I want them to think I mean it.
I dont mean it.
If I did,
The act would feel shameful,
But it doesn't.
Only their faces...
When they stare at me.
They stare like I'm a monster.
Am I?

When you're up on stage,
It's like time slows.
Your breathing is more focused,
Your heart beats a little faster.
You go out there and own it and do your very best,
Because there's no point in embarrassing yourself,
With a little pity thing called fear.
The rush of adrenaline pours over you,
And like that you're addicted.
You crave the curtain opening,
And the applause at the end.
Your heart drops when you miss a line,
Or fumble on a word.
The stage becomes your life,
And consumes you,
As if acting was a drug.

My heart aches for you, and she’s out there broken into dust, floating among the stars. If you ever go out looking, she’s sitting just above the tree line on the horizon of the place where I fell in love with you. I hope you find your heart, I hope you find your peace, I hope you find the one that you kiss like you care, even if that ones not me.

I see you staring from across the room
You think as of I don't notice
But what you have yet to figure out
Is all the while you've been staring at me
I've been staring at you.

"I could stare at your eyes all day."
She says.
I wish she would.
Because at the same time shes staring at me,
I'm staring back at her.

Starvation feels like recovery
And food feels like relapse

-and if you choose to stay,
come to accept the things I say,
as the surface of everything hidden,
because my heart can tell you what my mouth didn't.

Quit asking me whats wrong.
If I wanted to talk about it,
I would talk,
but I dont talk about things like that,
I write.
So if you really want to know whats wrong with me,
Poetry is my journal.
Go read.

Quit your crap.
Quit saying gay is okay,
Because it obviously isn't.
If it was then it would be accepted,
It would be normal.
Things aren't okay.
It feels right,
But I feel that I'm being brain washed,
My mind being manipulated to think that its bad.
I'm being told its wrong,
That I'm an abomination,
That I need to change.
I don't want to change,
I want society to.

The year began with another funeral.
**** and ASL. That was it. That was the future.
By now, extremely adept at finding excitement even through second hand experience
I didn't want to make this any harder for him than it already was.
Once my father made a decision,  there was no stopping him.
I swept back one side of my hair with a comb and pinned the white flower over my right ear.
I felt like I was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares.
Life is bracing with all its peaks and valleys.
there just isn't a whole lot you can say while waiting to get mugged, so I kept my mouth shut.