I shun happiness not voluntarily
but in the way one's covers
slip off in the night
I never chose this misery
instead I awoke
cold and alone
aware I was unprotected
but in a sleepy haze of apathy
I accept my fate
vulnerable to the darkness
that surrounds my every thought

the glasses through which I see the world
are painfully smashed
I see fault lines wherever I look
the faces of loved ones
blurred into anonymity
my own identity
blown to pieces
barely recognisable

I am lost in my own skin
seeing no way out
only broken glass
and shattered dreams

my emotions lurch
like a boat in a storm;
violent and unrelenting.
the time has come
to abandon ship
and sink to the inky depths
*calm at last

I have made a home
for the sadness living inside me
I have fed it with my fears
it has grown strong on my doubts
in return it gave me nothing
instead taking all it could;
my smiles
my strength
my sanity
until I am left barren and empty
a shadow of myself
a crumbling shell of a house
that depression claims as home

I am carved from marble
my features wrought in stone
I am cold
I am stubborn
I am unfeeling
but I am stronger than you will ever know

when I was a little girl
my mother always said
"a boy is only mean when he likes you"

after all these years
maybe that is why
I cut and burn and bruise

I am loving myself
the only way I know how
in the way my mother taught

I pick at my sleeve
until the wool unravels
and think to myself
how much would it take
for me to unravel along with it?

The fire in my heart
burning bright
with lust and passion
I conquer love unknown
my soul aflame
sparks fly
and ashes rain
I am lit up from the shadows
a phoenix
reborn
ignited by your love

the light of my life
the cool glow coming from the
refrigerator

If I am a planet
then you are my sun
my centre
my light
you keep me safe
grounded
without you I drift
you are comfort
you are warmth
you sustain me
my sunshine

will you still love me
if I don't smile today?
if my tears fall like raindrops
and my world tears at the seams?
if my voice breaks when I talk
and I seek the comfort of dreams?

will you still love me
if I don't cheer up today?
if I sit rigid in silence
and spend the whole day in bed?
if I find solace in cigarettes
and don't keep myself fed?

will you still love me
if I don't laugh today?
if I keep my thoughts hidden
and don't say what I mean?
if I curl up in darkness
and stare at a screen?

will you still love me
if I don't calm down today?
if my patience wears thin
and snaps like a thread?
if my eyes no longer sparkle
and are absent instead?

will you still love me
if I don't smile today?