the light of my life
the cool glow coming from the
refrigerator

I shun happiness not voluntarily
but in the way one's covers
slip off in the night
I never chose this misery
instead I awoke
cold and alone
aware I was unprotected
but in a sleepy haze of apathy
I accept my fate
vulnerable to the darkness
that surrounds my every thought

I am carved from marble
my features wrought in stone
I am cold
I am stubborn
I am unfeeling
but I am stronger than you will ever know

If I am a planet
then you are my sun
my centre
my light
you keep me safe
grounded
without you I drift
you are comfort
you are warmth
you sustain me
my sunshine

when I was a little girl
my mother always said
"a boy is only mean when he likes you"

after all these years
maybe that is why
I cut and burn and bruise

I am loving myself
the only way I know how
in the way my mother taught

I have made a home
for the sadness living inside me
I have fed it with my fears
it has grown strong on my doubts
in return it gave me nothing
instead taking all it could;
my smiles
my strength
my sanity
until I am left barren and empty
a shadow of myself
a crumbling shell of a house
that depression claims as home

The fire in my heart
burning bright
with lust and passion
I conquer love unknown
my soul aflame
sparks fly
and ashes rain
I am lit up from the shadows
a phoenix
reborn
ignited by your love

the glasses through which I see the world
are painfully smashed
I see fault lines wherever I look
the faces of loved ones
blurred into anonymity
my own identity
blown to pieces
barely recognisable

I am lost in my own skin
seeing no way out
only broken glass
and shattered dreams

will you still love me
if I don't smile today?
if my tears fall like raindrops
and my world tears at the seams?
if my voice breaks when I talk
and I seek the comfort of dreams?

will you still love me
if I don't cheer up today?
if I sit rigid in silence
and spend the whole day in bed?
if I find solace in cigarettes
and don't keep myself fed?

will you still love me
if I don't laugh today?
if I keep my thoughts hidden
and don't say what I mean?
if I curl up in darkness
and stare at a screen?

will you still love me
if I don't calm down today?
if my patience wears thin
and snaps like a thread?
if my eyes no longer sparkle
and are absent instead?

will you still love me
if I don't smile today?

my emotions lurch
like a boat in a storm;
violent and unrelenting.
the time has come
to abandon ship
and sink to the inky depths
*calm at last

I pick at my sleeve
until the wool unravels
and think to myself
how much would it take
for me to unravel along with it?