I will not change for you.
I understand, I understand, I understand.
You have never once asked me to.
But what you don't understand is that what you want would require me to change.
It would require me to stifle parts of my soul, of who I am to make it work.
I can't silence these pieces of me any longer.
I'm sorry, but I can't make that sacrifice.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, *I'm sorry.

I reflect upon the Father's love -
monoliths in Yosemite.
The eagle screeches far above
a song, "Your love's extremity".

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers
waiting for them to grow back

I've spent months on my knees praying for a miracle  
I've spent months watering flowers that were already dead

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers
thinking of all that could've been

remembering how they once flourished
remembering all that was done and said

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers
unable to move

to scared to leave it all behind
to tired to peruse  

I'm laying in a field of dead flowers

because there's nothing else I can do

God is teaching me
how to not be so
reactive
that it is okay
to walk away
without explanation
that i don't have to
explain myself
to anyone
because he already knows my heart
completely
he is teaching me
to let go
of the things of this world
and hold on tight
to my relationship with him
and not my relationships
with others
because i feed off of
the energy of the people
i surround myself with
and i don't always
surround myself
with positive people
he has taught me that
if i feed off of people
instead of him
that i will always
be left feeling hungry
so this is my surrender.

Take me to where the wild waters vanish...

Love to feel your happiness...

Promise me...
I wish, I wish...

Each time I think I'm falling, I wake...

Floating on a clear lake...

By loving you I learned to hate myself
In finding you I learned to lose myself
Eyes roll back into my head,
Decorated by ugly shades of red
Don't really know if I meant what I said,
If I'd rather be dead

Couldn't stop the shakes
Turned my tears into lakes
Trying to teach myself not to need you here
This is someone trying to disappear

Craving your careful stroke of my hair
That simple bliss so temporary

But in leaving you I've learned to need myself
And in forgetting you I've learned to be myself
They said life teaches you how to live it,
you just have to live long enough to get it

When you're around
Someone slips down the thermostat
Plays it like a violin
Drifting a decent toward
The most poignant Minor cord.
I feel lost within myself
Like an island watching a beautiful ship
Sail by without stopping.

And yet-
You leave and it aches;
Hurts like the thud of pulse
Behind a ripening bruise...
Feels as though my heart is about to
Rend my ribs and squelch
Painfully though the cracks
To slither away in your general direction.

In your absence
I realize that simple things
Can grow into necessity.
Tiny seedlings who take root
Can somehow cross time to become
A redwood with roots so deep
The foundation of the earth is never the same
When it falls.
Air is everywhere
And yet when its gone
Beneath tidal waves
It's more precious than gold;
Riches mean nothing when you're drowning.