I want
to put a card in the spokes of my bike
and ride
until the sound drives me crazier

the road is long
but the sky is calling
take my hand
and we'll go exploring
until the day we die

Sleek winding metal under my fingers
Squeaks at the tip of the frail hair
Subtle rattles of the pegs
Such a marvelous weapon I hold in my hands

Sweet cherry woods
Sings to me as I draw the bow like a
Sword
Swing, Pop, Rock, Classic
Such a marvelous weapon I hold in my hands

Stage lights make the details glitter
Sound resonates full and clear
Sharp and flat
Strong and proud
Such a marvelous weapon I hold in my hands

So I make this magic
Sad or joyous
Such a marvelous weapon I hold in my hands

Children grow up
with jump ropes
barbie dolls
and suckers tangled in their hair

Children grow up
in daddy's shoes
and mommy's dresses
and Pixy Stix sugar in their laps

Children grow up
feeling the boom of fireworks
wading in the cold pool water
and pop rocks dancing on their tongue

Children grow up
with secrets kept from them
and told to them
and pockets filled with smarties wrappers as bribes

Children grow up
with dirt under their nails
and rain water soaking their clothes
and taffy between their teeth

Children grow up
with the wonders and horrors of the world
all on a sugar high
so they never learn the difference

If my freckles are stars
that make up my galaxy
Then are my eyes
supernovas
black holes
that have pulled you into my universe
and decided not to let you go

I like the fire
because some day
I'm going to burn the world down

You've helped me grow up
You stood quietly in the background of my life
Silently fixing all my problems before I even knew they were there
I have always been
and will always be
a daddy's girl

It's all the same girl
with 20 different faces
it's an actress
a girl lost in her world
and in her mind
she skips through the days on dainty toes
with no place to go but home

Grow up and compromise
because you can't win every time
you can sure try
but sometimes you have to share the victory
and let me tell you that feels pretty great too

Grow up and shut up
not everyone is going to love you
and there is bound to be at least one person you hates you
for no particular reason
but fighting with words
behind their back
will only make you more angry

Grow up and listen
your opinion is fan-frickin'-tastic
but do you know you just regurgitated the quiet child's words
someone else may have the solution
and you would know that if you just took the time to hear it

Grow up and stop listening
find right and wrong for yourself
stop caring what the girl behind you or the boy down the hallway is saying
guess what, newsflash, it probably isn't about you!
develop selective hearing
so when people are being
flat
out
dumb
you can dance over their words

Grow up and grow up
it's fine to be a child
but don't be stuck in your childhood
there are better things ahead
if you just
compromise
shut up
listen
stop listening
you'll find your place
and it will feel amazing
and all those sickening words in the back of your head won't matter anymore

Grow up

She dressed like Easter,
And Halloween all wrapped up in one.
She cooked like it was always Thanksgiving.
Her love was sweet like Valentine's,
And she tasted like Christmas.

Excitement ran through her like the Forth of July fireworks,
And the countdown of New Year's Eve.
She was the trickster of April Fools,
And the kind stranger of May Day.
         She Was My Holiday

Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Who's The Fairest Of Them All

You My Darling
With Head Held High
You My Darling
With Eyes So Wide
You My Darling

Mirror Mirror How Can It Be
That The Fairest One Is Me

You My Darling
With The Future In Your Hands
You My Darling
From Right Where You Stand
You My Darling

Mirror Mirror It Is Me

Love is never feeling obligated to text them back
but wanting to anyway
Love is wearing watches to make sure you don't break curfew
and then driving too fast to get home on time
Love is awkward hand holding in front of parents
and giggling about it later
Love is never actually saying the words "good bye" as you part at the doorstep
Love is racing thoughts as your head hits the pillow
Love is clumsy hugs and clumsy words
Love is pounding hearts
Love is nonsense conversations
Love is realizing that all your poems are probably about them
and those love songs are now what you blast in the morning

And most importantly, love is what I want to give to you

3rd degree burns
pierce my chest
every time your name plagues my phone
I'd rather sell my tongue
than talk to you again
chemicals wash my throat and
needles fill my mouth
when I flash you a smile
or have to tell you
one more time
to be good to yourself

it's the kind of crush
where your heart leaps out of your chest
with marionette strings
attached to the rest of your body
and it pulls you tumbling behind
your head screams no
and yes
and no
until you don't even know how you feel anymore
it's marionette strings
on my heart
and they win

When you can communicate
With only "that look"
Something must be going right

When conversations can start with rants
And end with adventures
Something must be going right

When you can't remember
A time when you weren't friends
Something must be going right

When texts are serious
And nonsense all in one
Something must be going right

When the future is vast and scary
But you promise to never drift
Something must be going right

And that's what a best friend is for

I don't want to
talk
to her
because these things shouldn't be a problem
how do I tell a girl who
literally whispers
about mental illness that she gives me
anxiety
every time I go back to the room and I don't know if she will be there or not
I'm not
afraid
to talk but I'm afraid of confrontation
I
try
to talk to you in the easiest way
by sending a text
and you don't reply

we are living in the same cubical sized
space
so we're gonna need to talk
and you're gonna need to speak up

Thank you for telling me my garbage can
full of paper
was getting molding
because you're trying to find an excuse for being sick
Thank you for never making your bed and
leaving your own two bags of garbage on the floor
Thank you for talking to your mom about me but not talking to me about me
Thank you for asking me about my schedule for next semester to make sure we aren't taking the same classes
but never telling me what you're taking
Thank you, actually thank you, for no longer locking the door when I go to shower
but not actually thank you for not making sure the door is locked before we fall asleep

It's not that I hate you
I just can no longer live with you

Four little letter
should not make
my heart jump

Sometimes
quite is all you need
Silence
is as comforting
as the warmth
of one thousand voices
You don't need to speak
Quiet
says it all
Emotions flood
ebb and flow
with your eyes
locked on mine
Talk to me
in other ways
We can mumble
through the night
another night
For now words
are difficult
Quiet is all we need

Dear... well, me

when you read this again
many years will have passed
and i want you to laugh at the grammar
so you can see how much you have learned
from your mistakes
laugh at your diction
so you can see how much youve grown up

when you read this again
i hope you have fallen in love
and gotten your heart broken
danced with strangers
and danced with your best friend
kissed a girl youve only known for two hours
rescued a damsel in distress
just to wake up to a thank you note on your pillow in the morning
and then i hope you solve your problems
with too much ice cream
crying with your roommate
and one night stands with the cutie down the hall
and then i hope you find "the one"

when you read this again
youre going to be well-read
successful in all you do
and a marathon runner
or maybe just a coffee runner
either way you must remember to be happy
because that is exactly where you are suppose to be
dorm rooms, office jobs, baby steps, dreaming big

when you read this again
write another letter to yourself
tuck it in a shoe box for another five years
find it when you move to your own shabby apartment
read your scratchy words
look back at all the things youve done
call your best friend
call that damsel in distress
call the cutie that lived down the hall
then kiss your lover
show them these letters
laugh together
and know this is exactly where you are suppose to be

One wrong step
in something you love
and your world comes crashing down
shatters and scatters
you only hope you can gather all the pieces

You explain to friends
family
and almost family
we will all take care of you

The pounding persists
for hours
days
how much longer?

I wish I was a fortune teller
could see into our future
know the exact moment when we find the last piece
to put you together again

We have accepted that you
will never be 100% the same again
but I love you 100% the same way

She's a formless figure
With the sweetest laugh you have ever heard
She's a mute photograph
With the best pick-me-up lines ever uttered
She's a face on a screen that you've only seen twice
But you wait by the phone for her words just the same as if they we're coming through on a phone call

Someday,
we are going to be looking back at yearbooks,
notes we've written,
other cursed things from the high school years,
and we will find something,
that reminds us of that girl.
We are either going to laugh,
or cry,
or set the thing on fire.
And my god I hope it's all three.

I now know why I get invested in people.
People are interesting. Interesting in the ways they talk, the ways they step, the ways they carry their shoulders as others pass by. People are quirky. Quirky... but not explainable. We all grow up in the same ways, but with our own little twists that seem to twist us too. People are ordinary... but so very unique. You can generalize all you want, but you'll never be able to describe two people in the same way. Not accurately, at least.
I now know why I get invested in people.
Everything is my own little case study. In my brain that works like a psychologist and makes sense out of the abstract and the patterns of people... everyone is my own little case study. I don't take down data. I don't try to fix people. I don't choose who becomes a case study... because everyone does, and that's just the way my mind wraps itself around the world.
I want to understand people.

cats respond to
squeaky toys
the way you respond to
me

Day 1
hours of driving
and winding cords to backseats
so I don't disconnect just yet

This place is strange
and sleep refuses my proposal
so hours away
you talk me into dreams

Day 2
wake to a whistling kettle

run down bars
and thrift store
beckon the coins from my pocket
bag the treasures

Scan the local stores
burn dinner... almost
card games are seeds for laughter
and I befriend sleep at 11

Day 3
Rise early
read
read
read
shower with water that is metallic in my nose
read
hours of driving to big(ger) cities
experiment with knobs and shutter speeds
$40 wasted to see bears in captivity
good lunch
bad cake
happy aniversary mom and dad
how guilty would I feel to reconnect right now?
Read
sleep early?
the gears in my head turning, fast

this is a fairy tale
a children's story book
but the pages keep turning
no flourish of "Thee End" in sight
just a plot twist in every paragraph

the damsel has been rescued
prince charming took her hand
together they went off with the setting sun
but the story doesn't end there

it's magic
it's perfect
it's unexpected
so I'll keep reading
a children's story book
this is a fairy tale

How I know she didn't "love" me
(How I know she wasn't meant to be my lover)
She was cleaning off her books shelves
told me of all the stories that she loved
and how she was boxing them up
getting rid of them
and never once did she ask if I would keep some safe for her

She was picking paint colors for her bedroom
a room five minutes walking distance from mine
and never once did she ask me to come paint with her

She liked to be close
with everyone
in ways that she never once told me explicitly
baby, that's consent

She made lists of things that were important to her
to have in a lover
so I memorized how she takes her tea
but never once did she have tea with me

Never once did she call me
skype me
show up with a surprise
it was all texting
the rare date
she once let me borrow a book
so sure we have good memories too
but never once do I think back to her
and feel loved

P is for pulse
racing pulse, pounding pulse
like the first time we laid in the grass
noses pressed together
a comfortable silence
and an awkward tangle of our hands
because we don't quite know how we fit together yet

I can't even count
the number of times
I have been told
"You're too nice"
"You're so sweet"

In the last 24 hours
I've even gotten the
"You're my favorite person"
and
"I admire you"

Now don't get me wrong
I'm not really complaining
But when you say
"You're too nice"
Six. Times. In. A. Row.
That's where I draw the line

F is is for friends and friendly

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
and blue
and sunny
and when it glows magenta with the fading sun
and when the stars leave speckles like freckles and the moon is an eye
You'll never know dear
How much I
Really really like you
no doubts
except you definitely already know this
So please don't take my sunshine away

Hello Ed
We meet again
With your dull brittle teeth
At my throat.
You coax me out
From hiding places
Just to smash me down.
You beat me
With words
And you drain me of life
All the while telling me to smile.
I just can't fight you off.
But with sword in hand
(In mine now
Not yours)
I win this battle once again
And come out better on the other side.

Hello Ed
We meet again
With your tongue of lies.
You sing to me sweet
With tricks of how to live
But I'm dying inside.
And can't you see
That this is a terrible way to be?
With a grip too tight
And claws too sharp
You latch onto my thighs
My hips
My mind.
But with sword in hand
I win this battle once again
And come out better on the other side.

Hello Ed
We meet again
But I cannot put up a fight.
I lay down my sword
And I lay down to die.
You shrunk me
To merely skin and bone
With thoughts not even mine.
An abusive relationship
With myself
That could only end so many ways.
You win.
And I can come out
          dead
on the other side.

I can tell you where we use to hide candy in the summer
Pick flowers in the spring
Throw snowballs in the winter
And rake leaves in the fall
I can tell you where you first hugged me
And I can tell you where we both fell apart
But put each other back together again
I can tell you when I knew I wanted to be with you forever
I can tell you, I can show you
But will you listen?
Will you come?

I get a better high from you
than I ever could
off any drug
passing through my veins

The fog in my head
is greater than the effect
of the strongest concoction
of soda and *****

All I crave
is the sunshine
your hand in mine

I am what is known in the world of the unsubstantial....
as an almost me
an almost you?


are we both dreaming?
living in our heads?
cue existential crisis

It's a mystery
It's reality
god I hope it's reality

everything clicks
in theory
concepts are logical
time is linear
the earth is a perfect sphere that travels in a perfect circle

we live on laws

Let's go back to the questions
    to not knowing each other but wanting to so badly
Let's go back to nonsense conversations
    to not having any pressure to be anything, do anything
Let's go back
      
But we're just friends now
     and that's okay because that's what we agreed on
But it still hurts
     and I think we can agree on that too
But I don't know where we stand
     and we walk a thin line of the boundaries we never talked about

I still love you
     just not in the same way
I still think you love me
     just not in the same way
I still believe that that summer was great
     just not what we expected it to be and not something we can go back to

All we really want back is a sense of normal
                     A sense of love

I want to be the pretty girl
The happy girl
The smart girl
The look-at-all-her-talent girl

But that's not the girl I am

I am clumsy with words,
But graceful on my feet.
I am clever,
But with only somethings and sometimes.
I am quiet,
But also loud.
(With all my thoughts shouting)

I am a walking contradiction.
And I can only hope that one day,
I will stumble into another contradiction.
And we will fill in the gaps,
Until we are whole.
And we can both be the pretty girl,
The happy girl,
The smart girl,
The look-at-all-that-talent girl...

(Do I even need to write this one? We all know who it's going to be about)

I kept the bracelets
And I kept the rose
Each the match to what you will have eternally

I watch your favorite shows
And I tell your old jokes
Because then it feels like you're around

I've written you letters
And visited you
But I know that won't bring you back

I hold on tight to the memories
And make friends with your friends
We will keep you alive forever

Someday when we meet again
And you call me Rika
We will share stories between laughter and tickles

We will be ninjas
And it will be just like what you "trained" me for
Except this time when I ask if you are dead you will spring back up, ready   for another round of running and silliness

Until then I will look back at pictures
And I will read the old messages
(Except for the ones that my phone auto deleted)
Everything will be okay... and we wear our pearls