maybe
when you left
those scars
on my heart
i became
a beautiful poet.

and making me want to die was something you were always good at.
not in a bad way
because for someone who has been suicidal since age 11,
that means you made me feel something.
feeling something has been a problem of mine for a while now
i either feel it all or nothing
and my therapist tells me that's
"black and white thinking"
and i tell her
"no, it's realistic"
and she laughs and tells me i must be colourblind
but the world has so many different tones of grey
and i tell her i know
i just can't see them yet
and she sends me home with a worksheet to fill out
she says bring it back tomorrow for our next session
but the worksheet asks me questions i don't have the answer to
"what's your favourite shade of grey"
almost arbitrary
could be written off
but i feel the breath catching in my throat
because i don't think about grey anymore
grey reminds me of the colour in your eyes
a colour chart that ranges from silver lining
to solitaire
you've ran off again
and i have to be honest
i'm glad that when
you left
you left
me colourblind
because i can't see grey without thinking of you
and i can't see your note so it's another night of feeling nothing
feeling something
feeling it all

I haven't really faced these feelings yet
They've been hidden deep in my soul
Because it'd be easier to be heartless
Than to acknowledge the reality

I know I broke up with you
And I know the way things happened was not ok
I keep replaying where things changed
Trying to pinpoint that moment where
Everything stopped feeling right
And I think I finally found it

We were doing great together
So much love
We thrived together
And then I told you I'm polyamorous
And then I didn't listen to you
I didn't recognize my problematic behavior
And you were scared

I assume you felt like you were losing me
And I was finally feeling free
But I wasn't gone yet
We were still trying to be ok
But you shut down, understandably
And I got scared and distanced myself
You needed me more
And I felt trapped by that
So we both slowly changed
And neither could keep up with the others needs
I am not trying to justify this
I am just trying to understand

Because I still miss you
When I'm laying here alone
Cuddling my Nemo
And all I can picture is how you guys cuddled on the couch together
Or when I'm out doing something
And I think about how much you'd like it
Trying not to wish you were with me
But sometimes I do
I can't even play video games
Or watch love it or list it
Without these haunting memories
So I just avoid it and do nothing instead

Maybe if we lived closer it would have been different
Maybe if I would have paid more attention to your needs
We wouldn't have ended up this way
I know I said we weren't compatible
But we were once upon a time

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough
You deserve so much more than I gave you
I'm sorry for not being enough for you
Because you really deserve everything good
You're a good person
And I care about you
I hope you find happiness one day
I know you will
You're good
I'm sorry for taking that away from you

you left me
two years ago

what made you change your mind?
i look back at all our memories
how happy we were
and how our love seemed perfect
then suddenly you told me
that your feelings faded

years later
i'll admit, i haven't fully gotten over you
but now, i look at you
the person who once loved me
the person who changed her mind
the person who left me

i recall in my brain
the woman i loved
but i look at you now
so much of you has changed

this is not the soul that i used to know
this is not the same person
that i loved two years ago

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why
society chose to ignore our cries.

Rather than saying we would be alright
they told us to look in the mirror,
and find a reason to survive.

You’d think it’d be easy to find a reason why,
to continue down the hall with a smile oh so wide.

But in reality, our demons never really die.

No matter the circumstance,
Negativity plays a role in every life.

i thought maybe if I looked at you the way the stars see the moon

then maybe you would look at me the way the earth follows the sun

but the only reaction I received was
how the moon saw the sun when it first rised

fleeting and without a second glance

I knock it out of the ballpark
by expressing myself with
just a few words.

I write poetry to show my emotions
that I have trouble expressing
through my actions.

I am autistic and my brain is wired differently than yours.
Emotions are like the ocean,
my tides might rise higher than yours.

I have learned how to ride the waves,
like a pro I surf as I ride with pride.

I am a poet not by choice but
by chance because I am an autistic poet and emotions are my tool.

**© 2017 By Amanda Shelton