tonight my mind is like
the vacuum of outer space
black black
& devoid of life
but full of infinite possibilities

if i swallow the
lies or
the truth or
the pills

will they fix me or
protect me or
or ruin me?

charcoal
oxblood
poppy
pomegranate
maroon
cranberry
cherry
creams­icle
orange soda
saffron
lemon
egg yolk
buttermilk
sunflower
olive
forest
lime
mint
ice
blueberry
royal blue
navy
bubblegum
fuschia
salmon
grape
lavender
wine
chocolate
espresso

ANXIETY

why is this the only thing i can think (feel) now?
please make my words come naturally again

"blood
dark
tongue
***
****
bones
eyes
teeth"

my favorite words are swimming in my brain
& refuse to coagulate

they stick like glue to the roof of my mouth
& i can't seem to spit them out
flashes of nonsense recycled:

"BROKEN TEETH
secondhand smoke
i wAnt tO BREAK you
weightless in the dark"

my own fragmented reality
protecting my soft underbelly

anxiety breeds cowardice
or maybe they are just synonyms

either way all I can think (feel) is
*******

i'm filled with the dull ache & cautious optimism of desire
my belly, usually home to skittish swarms of beetles,
is now a butterfly habitat

suddenly my bed is so lonely &
my skin so untouched...
hazy dreams
of clothes tossed carelessly aside,
the weight of your body on mine

then afterwards
when our limbs tangled together like vines
& our sleepy words hung weightless in the dark
i imagine there would be a stillness inside me,
like calm waters where there used to be a hurricane

i see beauty in the terrible &
i see perfect harmony in ugliness
shock pain destruction ruin,
the truth: the above is more whole and juicy between the teeth
than years of singing sparrows

& i see the perverted beauty in damage
- wreckage & shrapnel -
broken cracked stained objects
have their own crooked appeal

i lust for bruises, broken hearts, broken bones, addicted tongues
for the red eyes born of insomnia, sorrow, substance abuse
i want the literal & metaphorical dirt under your fingernails  
there's a sick sweetness in awful secrets
but factory fresh is bland & tasteless

i feel like i'm on the cusp of... something
just waiting for my stars to align
there's a hot buildup
tension in my tendons
my hands itch